A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married 10 years and together 12years. We have 2 girls aged 8 and 4.Yesterday when I picked up our post there was a valentine card from a woman he knew at work about 5 years ago.He could see I was a bit taken back by this as the card was quite suggestive so he proceeded to tell me at that time he had a bit of fling with her .He said at that time we were not getting on too well long silences and rows . .She came on heavy to him and and made him feel good by boosting his ego. But it was short lived a few weeks in total and he realised he was jepordising his marriage for a few in his words gropes and kissses.He never slept with her and as he never crossed that line he was able to put it behind him.I was so angry with him that I told him to go which he didnt and has cried ,begged and pleaded with me to forgive him.He has been a good husband and great father to his girls.I believe every word he has told me and he has never strayed since .I forgive him but it is forgetting that will be the hardest.Am I over reacting.? This was such a shock to hear this and when my husband was telling me this he seemed to think it was trivial until he saw what affect it had on me. He is now in bits to see how It affected me. Again am I overreacting?Sarah
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009): Hi Sarah,you are in a difficult position, it's the not knowing, shock and breaking of trust.I have been in exactly the same position as a man, my wife had an affair and also told me they never went all the way, but got up to other things, yes we can forgive but the forgetting is so hard even when you don't want too, things pop into your head, I have constant images and flashbacks,fears,I have lost so much off myself due to what she did. Like your husband she was a great wife and this came as a major shock to me. I have doubts about what went on as it seems to be the case when these things come out that they always say they never went all the way.When I am with her I never feel adequate or good enough anymore and get uptight and nervous. Like you I have forgiven but like you it is the forgeting that is the hardest.I hope he has learned by his mistake and if you need answers he should be prepared to take the time to sit down and answer you truthfully. Good luck and all the best for the future. Stewart.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (15 February 2009):
 Why is she still sending him Valentines cards?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2009): No you are not over reacting. He seems remorseful and knows what he done was wrong. Unfortunately you will never forget but you can choose to not hold a grudge. Its baby steps I’m afraid, and as time passes so will the hurt and disbelief too. When you feel yourself dwelling on the negatives step back and take a deep breath and focus on what is good and right in both of you. It will help you to focus and become aware of what’s going on. Stay positive and calm.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2009): Sounds like this woman tried to get a reaction by sending a valentine card to your home. Perhaps it is a little bit of revenge because he didn't have an affair with her. Don't give her the satisfaction of letting it come between you.
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A
female
reader, Artistry  +, writes (15 February 2009):
 Hi Sarah, I think every marriage has its ups and downs. You two seem to be making a go of it, even with the rough patches. I know you have heard of men who have long affairs, and their marriages are going fine. At least your husband had an excuse of sorts, does't make it right, but. The other thing is, he probably would not have gotten into the affair if the woman had not been so aggressive, some women only want to try to flirt and carry on to see if they can. Your husband loves you from what you have related, you love him. Do not put this marriage in jeopardy by beating your man up, he realizes his mistake, I don't think he will do it again. The most important words in your letter were, "good husband, good father". Those are very hard to come by, you have a right to be upset, but he is with you, he wants to be with you, thank your good fortune, for recognizing that he is a quality person. As my Aunt used to tell me when I was younger "cleve to your man". Build on this incident, appreciate what you both have, let this be a growing process in the marriage where you become closer and bond more. It takes two willing people to make a marriage work, and it appears that both of you want that. Be happy, time will help you to forget, don't dwell on it, we are all human. Take care, I hope that I have been of help to you.
Hang tough, be good to yourself.
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