A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a continual habit of pursuing unavailable men. I just broke up with my boyfriend, who fit the unavailable mold. We were friends for 2 years. I told him I had feelings for him twice, to which he rejected me twice but wanted to stay friends. I became obsessed with the idea of winning him over. As friends, we would text often and sporadically hang out (platonic only). He shared his concerns of not being able to have a healthy relationship, dating “psycho” women only, caring more about looks than quality, and his parents’ bad relationship. His parents did everything separately and don’t even share a bed. I started to notice red flags during our friendship, but I guess they were spread out enough that I didn’t pay as much attention. He liked to spend a lot of time alone. I had to make all of the plans in our friendship and we didn’t hang out often. He barely had any close friends and was content not to see them often. He was critical of people’s looks, weight, choices, everything. I found him to be quite bigoted and close-minded. He insisted on being a tough alpha male and teased me about having so many feelings. He seemed consumed with making more money and living a lavish lifestyle. Several months ago, out of the blue, he said he thought we should try dating, saying he thought “I’d be good for him and it just made sense.” I was hesitant but agreed. His walls were way up and my needs weren’t being met. Despite living less than a mile apart, we saw each other only weekend nights. We rarely had sleepovers and the sex was infrequent. He never told me I was beautiful, that he loved me, no flowers/wine/candy or thoughtful gestures. I like sappy comments sometimes, and I never got any. When I asked for more, he rolled his eyes and said he complimented me plenty. When I asked to see him more, he groaned and told me how busy he was. This became a pattern of him dismissing my needs, me being afraid to bring anything up, swallowing my feelings, and withdrawing. I always felt insecure. I cooked for him every week, wrote sweet notes, encouraging texts, would drop off his favorite drink or snack as a surprise, and helped with household chores. I didn’t receive this in return. I’m noticing this habit in myself that I’m afraid to speak up about what upsets me. I don’t even know if I’m allowed to be upset about these things or if I’m just being needy/dramatic. I just think I’m lucky to have someone stick around and I better be easy going and constantly in a good mood or they’ll think I’m too difficult and leave. Eventually I’d had enough and broke up with him. Things had just built up and he was starting to spend a lot of time with his friends and prioritizing me less. He made some decisions that really upset me and showed me his character. I expressed my needs and emotions, to which he told me “I’m just not a sappy or emotional guy. This is how I am, and you need to think long and hard about whether you can handle that.” No attempt to work together, compromise, help me feel better. After years of putting him on a pedestal, I got to truly know him and did not like what I saw. After I broke up with him, I got a text about how well I treated him and how I was something he really needed for a long time. He said he was sorry he wasn’t enough and that he tried his best with me. Then, I felt like a terrible person. I’m not usually in a position where I do the breaking up. But I feel like I constantly get the short end of the stick in dating. I’m always bending over backwards, minimizing myself or squelching my desires to make these losers comfortable or accept me. I’m so tired of it. However... when a guy comes along who seems REALLY into me (this happens very rarely), I am immediately nervous and turned off. I don’t understand their interest in me or eagerness. It makes me feel smothered. I’m realizing that I don’t pick available men, and this backfires. How do I find the available guys and actually give them a chance? I typically overthink it and feel like there was no “spark” with the available ones. Does anyone have any advice? Thank you.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 July 2020):
 I think this is really a YOU issue. YOU don't have much self-esteem or perhaps you just don't really KNOW what you want or maybe more... HOW to get a partner who has the qualities you are looking for.
And I can tell you this, there is no magical solution.
It will take a LOT of work. Work only YOU can do.
Yes, of course it backfires to pick unavailable men, because you pick men you really don't want. You want them to CHANGE and be the guy YOU want them to be, that is unrealistic. just because you bend over backwards to have a relationship doesn't mean a partner will or should (nor should you). Some effort, sure. Some compromising, sure. Some give and take, sure. But I think until YOU have really found out who YOU are and what YOU are looking for you will fail in the relationship department over and over.
I'd suggest you go on YouTube and look up Matthew Hussey and watch some of his videos. He has a lot of them.
Secondly, take your time being single a while. Figure out who YOU are, what YOU like (like interests, hobbies etc.) and what you would like in a partner, and what YOU have to offer a partner. (and no, not the bending over backwards, that is a mechanism not a quality).
Find things that make YOU happy. Meet new people (and not for the purpose of dating any of them but making new friends and acquaintances).
Lastly, LEARN to listen to your gut. Your own instincts. If you make friends with a guy and he tells you I'm not into you, just want to be friends... YOU need to decide IF you can be a friend of if you WANT more. If you want more, wish him well and cut all contact because it's not good for you to stick around and it's also FAR more likely that someone seeing you as a "friend only" will take advantage of you IF he knows you "like him, like him".
Try not to BE so consumed with finding a guy. Because you obviously CAN find a guy, just not someone who is RIGHT for you.
I have known girls/young women like you( I was one once), who will bend over backwards, give give and give and think they are showing SO muck love this way and how can guy not WANT that? The thing is, you also EXPECT them to return the "favors" - while many couple DO DO nice things for each other it's NOT to get something in return, it's an "investment" in the other person. IF you try to DIAL the "I'm the BESTEST GF EVER campaign" down to an EVEN footing, such as you PUT in as much effort and HE does it won't feel so one-sided.
How do I know that? Been there done that.
You NEED to pay attention to someone you think you want to date, while getting to know them. Honestly? a guy who has a HEALTHY relationship with his parents, especially his mother (without being a totally babies momma's boy) is often (in my experience) a healthy guy who has healthy boundaries and respect for a partner.
It's easy to sit and look back and nitpick ALL his flaws later, when they don't really count. Learning to see them in the "getting to know you phase" is better. ACCEPTING that you might NOT be with the right guy and walking away SOONER rather than later is another lesson to learn. Doesn't mean you don't give them a chance to be a good BF, just means if you bring up thing you would like to see more off and he is unwilling (no matter his excuses and his BS "I'm an Alpha and Alphas don't XYZ") then IF your NEEDS aren't met, HE isn't a good fit. BUT with that said, a GUY shouldn't change himself to please you. YOU shouldn't change yourself to PLEASE a guy. There ought to be some " I can love you JUST as you are" because I'm not perfect either. AS long as it is with non deal breaker items.
For instance, I would NEVER EVER date a cheater. For me that is a deal breaker. Now if I don't know before dating him and he then cheats on me, THAT is on him, but I would simply END it. Not give him a second chance.
Take some time to work on you. BE a person YOU would like to date (so to speak). Don't try and be this "super awesome GF", BE you. YOU are "good enough" for someone to LOVE you. Be good and love yourself too.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2020): You lack self-esteem. Going after men who don't want you is just a way to prove to yourself that you are worthy, because if you could convince those men who do not want you to change their minds, well then you must worth something, right?
You need to redefine everything you think you know. The example you have given is "spark", or the lack thereof between you and the men who seem interested in you. So, what do you think "spark" is? And if you say that it cannot be explained, that it either is there or isn't, that's not an answer. It's avoiding facing up to reality.
For some people "sparks fly" when they need to fight for something, when there are obstacles, because for them real passion is shown when people just "can't help themselves". They see this as passion in other and themselves. So naturally, when there's no drama, there's no passion.
You are still young and have time. You have seen a pattern and asked a question "why". That's the first step. The second one is facing with your own projections, preconceived ideas... You won't be surprised to see that all that you think you know is based upon what you have learned as a child. You have either accepted the behaviors you saw around you, or you have build yourself by doing the opposite. But, no matter what you chose, it's still along the same line, just a different end. More often than not, unavailable parent (in traditional families father) is one of the major causes. if a child keeps witnessing this kind of a role-play between their parents (e.g. mother trying to get some kind of a reaction from her great (ex-)husband) the child learns that they need to please the parent whose attention they long for and the loop is set in place. It's the same if the father leaves a family.
You now say that the men you are interested in are losers, but when you fall for them you put them on a pedestal (you need to do that, because you wouldn't be able to say later when you got them that they are a "prize" and feel good about yourself). You project all the great stuff on them.
Mind you, you do not do this consciously. Those are the mechanisms you have adopted and developed.
There are people with your kind of a problem who multiplied by 100. A friend of mine works as an assistant in the movie business and she always "falls for" actors, directors, producers you know "the important ones". All of them are unavailable, but most of them enjoy her attention and her being available to cater their needs. Let me make myself clear, none of them wanted anything more from her than her fussing about them, boosting their egos. Her preconceived idea is that is someone that big would want her, she must be a catch herself. I don't mean to scare you but she is 43 years old, chronically single and has been trying to conceive a child with a donor for over 2 years.
If you can afford, go to therapy. It does wonders to change one's perspective.
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