A
female
age
36-40,
*urebliss
writes:My boyfriend and I (24, 23) have been together for around 3 months. He tells me he is crazy about me and it shows with how he treats me. Really loving, really gentle and affectionate and cute and sweet all at the same time. We spend a lot of time together and spend most nights together. However... He isn't that big into sex. I always have to start it, and I am always the one getting him off. He only touches me when I ask or mention that its been awhile, and he gets really quiet when I ask him why he doesn't like sex. He says it isn't me, and he wants me and finds me beautiful and attractive, and he isnt sure why he doesn't want to have sex al the time. He isn't the cheating type, and he doesnt have time with cheating between seeing me and his work. I know I have a massive sex drive and love having sex, but all of my past boyfriends have as well so this one is throwing me off.. I really really care about him and have never been treated so well by a guy before, and would really like this one to work out.What is going on? Don''t all 24 year old guys want to have hot sex? Shouldn't he be all over me? Is he lying about wanting me? Confused and sexless.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009): Give him tons of time. Don't let it become your problem. You'd not like it if he has sex just because you need it... so it is not really your problem. It is his problem. And if there is an issue it'll come out if you are silently patient. Give it time and pretend it does not bother you. Everyone is aware of the fact that sex is an integral part of a relationship. If you bring it up often, he may convince himself that he has a demanding girlfriend instead of the fact that he maybe needs some advice or help.
A
male
reader, Illithid  +, writes (13 December 2009):
 It could just be that he has a very low drive. Not all men are horndogs, just like not all women are frigid.
But barring that, he could be worried about something, whether work stress, or money, or even a relationship issue that's holding him up. Or, as others have said, it could be some insecurities from his past that are holding him up. He's a 24 year old male, but he's a human too, which means there's going to be a lot going on in his mind.
I'd suggest talking to him very calmly and patiently. People don't always open up about sexual hangups (like my ex, who never talked about it with me even after three years), but that's the first step.
If he will not or cannot talk about it, and he is unable to bring himself to initiate sex or fulfill your needs as you want him to, you ultimately have a choice: 1) Live with it as it is now, knowing that it very well may never change, or 2) Look for someone else.
If he's great in other ways, you may wish to choose option 1, but just don't sit there hoping he'll change. He MAY, but you can't count on it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009): could also be a closet gay or watching too much porn so he is finished by the time he gets home
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A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (13 December 2009):
I would suggest that you tread carefully. It is entirely possible that he either has had some very bad experiences with sex with his previous relationships, or was abused as an adolescent / child by an adult he trusted.
Not that this is necessarily the case, but this is an issue you don't want to make big mistakes around.
I would suggest taking things slowly, gently, and also openly and frankly. This isn't the easiest combination to pull off, and it will require some patience, care, and understanding on your part. Open frank discussion of sexual issues is difficult enough with psychologically healthy partners. If (that is an IF, not a because) he doesn't fall into that catagory, you want to be sure not to push the wrong buttons too hard.
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