A
female
age
30-35,
*aukea13
writes:There is this guy in my group of friends that I ended up dating for nearly two months. He had liked me for a bit before finally working up the courage (apparently with alcohol) to text me. We talked almost everyday but never really in person. He then kissed me at a group hang out and then we ended up making out pretty much all night on New Years. A week later we both agreed to start a relationship, keeping things slow. Things were kind of distant, but he's quiet and awkward so I didn't push it.Even through this time he'd tell me how cute I was, or what an amazing person I was. And how he loved my mind and how happy he was that we were dating. Things progressed a bit farther sexually, but also affection wise. He seemed really content to just cuddle and be near me. We ended up seeing each other 4 times that week.He texted me everyday as well. But then on the Monday I went to hold his hand and he pushed it away. I confronted him about this and I got a weird but very apologetic answer, saying he isn't used to it and didn't realize what was going on so he sort of panicked. As a result we agreed to be more open with each other, and he told me he was glad we had that talk and felt the relationship was really working. He cancelled on some plans later that week because he had a family commitment, I was upset. He had cancelled on me many times before, always with a legitimate reason, but it still made me upset because I liked enjoyed our time together. I asked him if he was happy we were dating later that night, and he said that he was. I wasn't so sure. He was so reserved and closed off I felt like he didn't like me. Combine that with the fact we barely saw each other outside of work and him pushing my affection away, I was more than considering ending things myself. Then when we saw each other at our lunch break the next day I was a little quiet, but not completely reserved. We both brushed it off. However after work he came down to my house and ended things. He told me it wasn't working out and that things felt forced. As well as that he had some personal stuff he didn't want to drag me into. And that he's felt this way for awhile. Which was beyond frustrating for many reasons:a) He kept me at arms length by not letting me help him through his personal stuff or seeing me then said he couldn't see things building into anything. b) He had always expressed he liked me and our relationship. And he even told me less than 12 hours prior to him ending things that he was happy we were dating. c) He felt like he wasn't interested for a while but still allowed things to progress sexually. Needless to say I was pissed. We both said a curt goodbye and didn't talk for three days. I had some time to cool down and since we had so many mutual friends, felt I needed to try to clear the air. I explained to him how I felt. Basically how I was blindsided because he always told me how happy and into me he was, and that he was the emotionally distant one and I had tried to be there for him but he really just wouldn't let me. (For some thinking he doesn't know how to act in relationships he had been with a girl for a few months shy of a year and things were fine). He then proceeded to give me new reasons for the break up.a) He said all those things because he felt them, but then his feelings just changed for no reason. He did like me but then stopped. So if he feelings changed like that he didn't see the point in dating. He wanted it to work but it just didn't for him.b) I'm a good friend but that didn't translate into a good relationship.c) I liked him more than he did me. Romantically, the feelings just weren't there from his side, so he didn't want to lead me on even though we were in an actual relationship and usually relationships suggest some romantic feelings.d) He wasn't ready for something serious. Which is weird because he said initially he couldn't see us becoming something more. e) Even though we were in a relationship, we acted as friends and that "threw off how he felt about being something more serious" and he wasn't prepared to do that.So that is where I'm at right now. I am confused and hurt because I just have no idea what happened. I got so many different answers from him about why we broke up. I just let it go and told him that I would have understood if he had just been honest form the start and that we. Which I would have, I would have also been secretly upset but I wouldn't have let him know that. We agreed on being friends because he said he valued my friendship and also because we have so many mutual friends, I decided it wasn't a good idea to split the group. But even though I cleared the air I still feel sad and confused. I want him back because honestly I really like him, and contrary to what he said I never told him that, until our second post-break up text. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else can tell me what happened and if I have another shot? Will his feelings come back, did he really even lose them?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2016): He's just not interested. What happened was he liked you. He found you attractive. Just because you are attracted to someone doesn't mean you are in love with them. He thought you were attractive. That was it. Maybe he was persuaded by a friend to shoot you a text and talk to you and get to know you. Which he did. You two started texting, he told you he liked you etc. and he probably did, but as time progressed he didn't feel the two of you really cliqued. He might not have known how to bring it up because like he said, you were more into him than he was into you, and he didn't want to hurt your feelings. Didn't want to let you down. Or didn't know how to. Things progressed sexually because they just did. But on that end, that is kind of your fault too. You should take your time with guys. They are often very fickle. Pay attention to their actions not their words. Based on his actions, (he would barely ever see you), you could tell he wasn't that interested. You live and learn. Don't worry too much about getting him back. It's not going to work in your favor. I've been in the same boat as you before. It sucks to like someone in your same group of friends who dumped you. And you still have to see that person and handle the rejection in a composed way. But that's what you gotta do. You also have to move on.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 March 2016):
 I have to agree with Anonymous 123
He has given you reason after reason why he doesn't want to date you, trying to "make" him date you anyhow is not going to work.
Some time dating someone seems like a good idea for a while, and then not so good as time pass and it doesn't really progress.
I don't think a BF who cancels a LOT (with whatever "legit" reasons) is all that interested. One or twice I can see things coming up, but overall - either you plan better to not disappoint your partner or your make a new partner your priority. the "legit" reasons are just really good excuses he used to NOT see you.
He sounds like he really isn't sure what he wants, but he is sure dating isn't one of them right now.
And why would you WANT to be with someone who isn't 100% sure they want to be with you?
Don't sit around and WAIT for him to have a light-bulb moment. It's not going to happen.
As much as it suck to be told, "I'm not that into you" - he is doing it for the right reasons. He doesn't WANT to string you along. He tried for 2 months to date you and didn't feel it was right. Being in the same "friendship group" doesn't mean you HAVE to make it work.
Accept that YOU are not "it" for him. Which means... he isn't IT for you either.
Want more from a guy you are supposed to be dating. As in spend more time together, talk about everything, be honest and open. This guy? couldn't and that is not your "fault".
It should not feel like it's a problem being together and hopefully in the future you will meet someone who you will click with MUCH better, and who dating isn't this "problematic".
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A
male
reader, MikeDan +, writes (3 March 2016):
Sorry to say this but he seems to be playing with your emotions. He knows you like him and knows that he can get your attention by acting like a child.
You need to find a mature reasonable guy who acts their age. Thiers nothing wrong with you and you don't have blame in how he is acting or feeling towards you. All you can do now is move on and show him you will not take part in his little games. If he is serious and wants to act his age he will change and start communicating when things are going wrong like normal adults, if not their are plenty of guys out their. good luck.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (3 March 2016):
 I honestly don't understand why you would want to be with someone who's told you point blank that they don't want to be with you.
Maybe for whatever reason he felt that it didn't click with you and wanted out. Maybe there's someone else on the scene. Maybe he felt that there was no point wasting time when there was no future.
Whatever it is, at least he didn't drag it on further and give you false hopes. He could have continued being sexual with you knowing that it's not going anywhere and that would have been worse.
Sometimes things don't go your way. Never mind, hold your head up high and carry on. Don't ever cry for someone who won't cry over you. And there will be a day when you'll meet a boy who'll love you more than you can ever imagine and you'll never have to struggle to be with him.
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