A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi. Well basically i have been with my boyfriend for about 7 months. We're fine, completely, the only problems we've had are his temper. He has a tendency to get extremely agitated and argumentative and often takes stuff out on me (not physical).He's never been properly violent; he once pushed me but said he didn't mean to. Until yesterday, where he started an argument because i was speaking to another man. He got angry, called me names and hit and shoved me.(My collarbone is fractured)I know i will probably sound naive but is this likely to happen again? He swears it was a one off because he was too drunk but i don't know what to do.Any advice is appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): you oughta stand up for yourself and return the favour. what is it with women who pretend guys like that will change i will never know...
A
female
reader, laura585  +, writes (25 June 2009):
He will do it again, it will get worse and worse until he completely disregards you as a human being. It's hard as hell to leave an abusive lover, (more terrifying than anything else) but if you don't now he will manipulate the situation to have you completely under his control. He will apologise and say all the right words so you don't go. He will have more charm than anyone you know. He will "make it up to you" but he will do it again regardless. Someone said everyone is "different", abusers seem to be the exception. My best friend, and my cousin were in abusive relationships, their guys said and did the exact same things as mine, sometimes using the same words in similar situations. (all 3 of these guys had never met each other) From what you've said your guy is no different. That's why I'm talking as if I am telling you facts because more likely than not - that's what will happen. I cant blame you as obviously I've been there too. You should leave, its going to get worse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): Yes, he will hit you again. And next time more badly.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): I had my jaw dislocated by a guy who wasn't normally violent. He ended up raping me. Watch yourself it starts out slow and then snow balls.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): If he hits you once he may do it again and this time he may kill you. Go to the police and report him. If your collarbone is still in a cast that is good enough evidence and should hold up in court
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A
female
reader, babymama99 +, writes (24 June 2009):
 Ok let me get this straight.
In 7 Months...
He shoved you, then said he didn't mean to.
He saw you speaking to another man, he then procedded to hit you and he FRACTURED YOUR COLLAR BONE and said it was because he had been drinking. (common excuse)
You said "He has a tendency to get extremely agitated and argumentative and often takes stuff out on me".
Re-read your post, and picture your mother or sister or any loved one telling you this what would you say to them.
You would be enraged or their behalf and you would tell them to GET RID OF THE JERK, HE'S TROUBLE!!!
And that's my advice to you. this is not a one time thing it will only escalate. being drunk is a pathetic excuse, has he quit drinking. I doubt it, which means that even if the "I'm a lush head" excuse holds water, the very next time he's drunk you'd better run for cover.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@k_c100 - Maybe i should have been clearer, i never mentioned flirting with another man, i was talking to him because he's my friend's new boyfriend. nothing dodgy.
Thank you for all of your advice it gave me alot to think about. really.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (24 June 2009):
 Well why are you speaking to another man? I know you may think that it is harmless and means nothing but normally when you start flirting and talking to another guy it means that you are unhappy in your relationship and looking for other options. So that to me is an indicator that things are not right in your reltaionship.
With regards to violence, I believe that if it happens once then it is one time too many. I was hit once by an ex boyfriend and as soon as he did it I ended the relationship. Simple as. Men should not hit women, and women should not be violent towards men either. If it happens in a relationship then the 2 people are not right together, they bring out the worst in each other and the relationship needs to end.
He may say it wont happen again, but he also said he didnt mean to push you that time didnt he? And now look, he has hurt you worse this time. So what will it be next? A broken arm? Burns? Stab wounds? You are putting yourself in danger by being with this man - from now on you have no idea if he will hurt you again. Why have that risk? Why put yourself in that situation?
It is irrelevant whether he will do it again - the fact is he has done it already and it is unforgiveable. He has anger issues and cannot handle his drink, he needs to get these sorted (as in anger management classes and giving up drinking). You cannot help him with this, he needs to do it alone.Do you really want to live your life in fear of what mood he is in? Or worrying if you might have done something to upset him and he will come home and take it out on you? Do you really want to hide from him every time he comes home after he's had a few drinks just in case he might hurt you again? That is no sort of life, you are still so young and you deserve so much better.
If it has happened once then there is always a chance it will happen again - dont let yourself be the victim. Dont live your life in fear, and dont let him fool you into believing it wont happen again. An abusive man will always be an abusive man unless he gets proffessional help, therefore you need to get out as soon as you can.
You are young enough to leave him without any consequences (I am assuming you dont live together or have children). He has issues you cannot help him with, only he can realise he has a problem and then get it sorted. He is not your project, he is not your responsiblity. Just get out of the relationship before he hurts you again.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): Often, people take more than one or two mistakes before they learn to avoid further mistakes in the future. Most sane people may tell you to leave your lover at once. However, since you're asking this question, it means you have good consideration in staying. Therefore, I suggest you continue this relationship you have until you feel you are ready to leave.
Of course, it is possible you may face even greater abuse in the future, but again, some people often take more than one or two mistakes before they learn. However, to give your lover the benefit of the doubt, it is also possible that the 'temper' he has put you through is "one-off". What is that possibility? No stranger can accurately give you an estimate, as each person is 'different'.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): In the words of Oprah, "if he hits you once, he will hit you again." Just replace "hit" with "fractures your collarbone." I hate to break it to you but yes, if you stay with him he will most likely break another one of your bones. Being drunk is no excuse, that only makes it worse. I hope you have a safe way of getting out of this relationship, and be careful. And know that there is nothing wrong with you, a lot of women end up in this situation, and I am not judging you because I know how difficult it is to see through what is happening and get up the courage to leave. You deserve better than this.
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