A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been this guy for about 4yrs. The past year has been nonstop fighting between us because he's constantly screwing up but for some reason, I always stay. I'm not even sure if I love him anymore, and most of the time, I absolutely can't stand him and hate his guts, but I guess I'm giving him a chance at this point. My birthday was in April and he completely forgot. Not only did he forget, but he didn't even attempt to try and see me that day. It really was the worst birthday ever and I was so heartbroken and I gave him hell for it, just about every day. And every day, he would promise to make it up to me but I never saw a single attempt until about three weeks ago. I asked to borrow $300 for school. He saw opportunity and ended up calling it my "birthday present." He sent me a plant after I screamed at him during an argument about why could he never do anything nice like send flowers just because. He also bought me a coupon for a massage.Even though he gave me those things, I feel like it's not enough because he forgot my birthday and it took him 5 months to even budge and try to make it up to me. Things are really bad between us right now, as usual. His birthday is on Saturday and he's going away for the weekend so I won't see or hear from him. Ever since he forgot my birthday, I've told him that his birthday doesn't exist to me anymore and that I'm not even going to acknowledge it. But now I'm wondering, should I just tell him happy birthday? Should I buy him a gift?? And if so, what?!?! What do you even buy for a guy you can't stand? Part of me feels like he doesn't deserve anything from me because of how my birthday ended up, but he thinks he made up for it so I guess I owe him something? I don't know..help please!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 September 2011):
 sounds like this relationship is over.... time to walk away
he's going away with his friends
you hold grudges and aren't even sure how you feel.
you probably stay together because it's the path of least resistance.
just walk away now... give him that as a birthday gift.
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (20 September 2011):
 You have been holding a grudge on him since APRIL!? Did you ever talk to him about it?
You asked for a loan (a significant amount) and he turned it into a gift. A NON loan. So, it was not good enough.
You asked for flowers. He sent a plant. So, it was not good enough.
Things are really bad between you. You admit you fight nonstop. You say he screws up all the time.
You make it clear he is not good enough for you and he does not deserve your attention. It is not like this guy is being completely innattentive. He is just not meeting your standards. So, either you standards are unreasonable or he falls below the mark.
That does not necessarily make him a bad guy. It makes the two of you a bad couple.
Do yourself both a favor and break up with the guy. Wishing him Happy Birthday would be insincere/inauthentic.
Do not bank all your happiness on someone else. Happiness is a choice! You say this guy ruined your Birthday. No he did'nt. He was absent! He did not do anything and you were angry because you were hurt. You expected more and he let you down.
You still had the day all to yourself. It was always YOURS and it was your choice to sulk and blame him. You put responsibility of your personal happiness on someone else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2011): I am a woman and I forgot my anniversary with my boyfriend. He was hurt and yes he told me that it hurt and I made it up to him. He forgave me and could see that I love him and it wasn't intentional. If he had of screamed at me and held it against me for all eternity I would have dumped him very quickly. I think if you can;t forgive him and accept that sometimes people forget important things unintentionally, you should break up with him, you will be doing him a favor.
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A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (20 September 2011):
Your bf has planned to go away for the birthday weekend, and you're not going to see each other. It sounds to me that he doesn't seem to care whether you wish him happy birthday/buy a gift or not if that is the case. He's made alternative plans without you so I think you should take that as a signal. After all, you've told him since April that his birthday will be nothing to him so I expect he is counting on you acting accordingly.
You ask what do you even buy you can't stand. Easy answer here, NOTHING! Why are you in a relationship with a guy you can't stand in the first place?
There must be something other than the forgotten birthday to make you have so much anger because I don't think anyone would really make so big a deal out of something like that alone. Was it the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak?
If that's the case, you should just break up with him. Your level of anger sounds very unhealthy and relationship can function properly under those circumstances.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2011): I think the best thing you can do for him for his birthday is to break up with him!!
"He sent me a plant after I screamed at him during an argument about why could he never do anything nice like send flowers just because."
maybe the reason he never does anything nice for you is because you have this tendency to scream at him, hold grudges and point-score and punish him endlessly despite what he does do, nothing is ever good enough for you it just warrants more screaming or at best icy silence, so as a result he doesn't like you very much as a person?
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (20 September 2011):
 I think odds pretty much said it all... You say that you're giving him a chance, but honestly, you're not. As bad a boyfriend as he may be, (and we can't know to be honest), if you're gonna give him a chance, then flippin' give him a chance... don't make him jump through hoops and then whip him for poor technique.
You're either building this relationship up... or you're tearing it down... so which is it?
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (20 September 2011):
 Alright, this next sentence might sting a bit, but I'm saying it to help clarify how out-of-proportion you are making this: if he were writing in to describe your behavior, I would tell him to dump you with no second chances.
He forgot your birthday, it sucks but it happens. He said he would make it up to you, but you gave him hell every day - did you expect that would make it better? That he would feel like getting you a gift when he was still feeling bad about getting hell? Why did you think that making him miserable was going to solve any problems with your relationship?
Is the fact that he took a while to buy you things important? Do you charge interest on late gifts?
Has any of this fighting and yelling and nagging made *you* happier?
The reason you're questioning if ignoring (not forgetting) his birthday is the right thing to do is because deep down, you know it's not, that you're hurting the relationship rather than trying to build it up. God only knows why he's stayed.
What I think happened with the gift is that the two of you probably communicate good feelings in different ways. Some people are wired to really communicate love through words, others through touch, others through gifts or acts given to their lover, and still more just through physical presence. When people try to express love through a way that isn't as strongly wired for them, or when love is expressed to them in a way they are not strongly wired for, the message gets diminished in translation. I think neither of you is wired to express love through gifts, but you feel obligated to because somewhere in life you picked up the idea that "that's just what people do."
Look, I think this relationship is toast, but for the sake of your next one, try to understand that you can't make yourself or anyone else happy by destroying something, only by creating and nurturing something. People make mistakes, but real love is, in part, about building each other up rather than tearing on another down.
How much happier would you be today if, instead of getting mad, you had laughed it off, jokingly said, "I forgive you, but you owe me, mister," then smiled, kissed him, and gotten over it without ever worrying about whether he actually "made up for it"?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 September 2011):
 Wow. You've been pissed off at him since APRIL? Really? He's made some attempts to fix things and all you focus on is the negative. The guy doesn't stand a chance.
Yes, forget his birthday, then call it 'even steven' and just let it go. If you can't let it go, then it's clearly time to let him go.
The level of anger and rage seems disproportionate to his error. At some point, you have to forgive, even if you don't forget. It's not healthy to continue to nurture the fury.
What do you buy for a guy you can't stand? Um, a farewell card?
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