A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is so upset and mad with me right now because we had an arguement because of me. Bassically I got annoyed at him because he didn't give me much time since he was busyt with his work. So I got very frustrated and then just started ignoring him on purpose so he'd miss me and know what I went through. Its all my fault now because while I was ignoring him he was apologising and said sorry and tried talking to me properly and asked why I'm behaving like that. But I just didn't behave properly. Then he had a massive go at me n then I realised I really hurt him. Now that I'm talking to him properly he's avoiding me and saying you've really hurt me. He won't talk to me properly its all my fault I've tried nearly everything to make him smile n forgive me but he just won't. Really don't know what to do now please help! Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (20 September 2011):
If someone hurt you, you'll naturally feel yourself want to pull back from them and withdraw. If they apologize and say sorry, but they don't actually try to understand how you're feeling, and take responsibility for their part in causing you hurt, then no amount of apologizing makes you feel any better because such apologies without acknowledgment or taking responsibility for what they did that hurt you, sound fake and more about wanting you to get over your hurt for their benefit, just so you'll stop treating them coldly already.
so you continue to be cold towards them because their apology doesn't change anything for you. But eventually they feel angry and frustrated that you're not "following the rules" which is they apologized and you're supposed to forgive them and be nice to them, and yet you're not. But part of it is because they never took the time or the effort to understand and actually HEAR you out.
Then this situation gets reversed. Now he's angry and withdrawing from you. And you're the one apologizing, but without taking the time and effort to try and understand his side and acknowledge what you did that hurt him, so your apologies fall on deaf ears because he thinks you're insincere.
Another thing is that even though you were the first one to be feeling hurt (when he was busy with his work), you were also the first one to behave badly by ignoring him on purpose. If he needs to work, he needs to work and you need to respect his boundaries and that he has a right to not give you as much time as you would want if he has other things he wants or needs to do.
If he was inconsiderate in making plans with you and not bothering to inform you that he couldn't make it, or something like that, you do have a right to be upset and hurt. But it was "wrong" of you to deliberately ignore him just because you were feeling hurt. You should instead have talked with him about how you were feeling lonely or disappointed by his recent lack of attention, then maybe the issue could have been resolved earlier. Ignoring him deliberately just to hurt him, is basically trying to punish him but without explaining what he did wrong and why you're doing this and what your intention is.
You were thereby setting this chain of events into motion where you're hurt and behaving weirdly to him, he apologizes but doesn't "hear" and acknowledge you so his apologies mean nothing to you and you continue to behave badly towards him until eventually he gets frustrated and angry so now he's hurt and you're apologizing without hearing him out and he's ignoring you and behaving badly to you the way you did to him...
so you're right it is your fault for setting this pattern up of silently punishing without saying why. That doesn't do any good all it does is create resentment and hostility. So you have to take the initiative to try and break this pattern, by not just apologizing to him but actually acknowledging to him what you did wrong, and to allow him to tell you how he felt and give his viewpoint equal weight to yours.
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