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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi. What do people think of this? My guy says that he thinks all women are beautiful - fat or thin. He says the womanly shape is beautiful, and he has paintings and statuettes of female nudes dotted around his apartment. He also says he thinks sex is great fun, and sometimes tells me anecdotes of sexual experiences he has had in the past. When we are on vacation, he says he likes 'tit-watching' on the beach, and says its a natural thing for a guy to do. Now, I dont mind him looking at women. Hell, I look at men, - I'm only human. But somehow he makes me feel that although I am an attractive woman, I'm only one of many. And our sex life is great, but I'm just the current one. I've lost my sense of myself as an individual, and have to struggle against the feeling that I am just another pair of good tits on the beach! I find myself comparing myself with other girls, and hate that feeling, and hate myself for allowing his behaviour to undermine my self confidence. He says I am being 'female', and 'from Venus' about this, and gets impatient. Am I just being over sensitive? Like I said, I dont mind him looking at women, and even admiring them, but I want to feel that I am special to him. Thanks. I'd appreciate advice and your opinions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys. Well, I had the talk with him. I explained it just as I have on here, but it made no difference. He said again its perfectly natural to look at other people, and to flirt; and if that bothers me then its because I have self esteem issues. Basically, he said its my problem and I should get over it. So I ended it. No big fight, I just said that what he is offering is not good enough for me. So, its over. Dont mind admitting I am gutted. But feel strangely relieved. I know I'll feel bad for a while, but really do think I have done the right thing, and will be glad I did in the long run.Thanks again to everyone who replied. xxxxxxxxxxxx
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (22 July 2006):
 I have to disagree with eyeswideopen - you need to give this guy an ultimatum. Some people are so dense that it takes a rap on the head to get their attention. In this case, the ultimatum is that rap on the head. But be careful - if you take my advice you must be prepared to immediately walk away from the relationship if he does not respond in a favourable manner.
I think you have given him more time than he deserves because every day that you choose to let this situation continue only chips away at YOUR self-esteem. This guy is not suffering due to your delay. Good luck and take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again everyone for taking the trouble to answer. It really does help. xxxxxxxxxxx
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (17 July 2006):
 Just don't buy the "it's a guy thing" that is just a poor excuse for even poorer behavior. Tell him exactly what you told us don't make an ultimatum but if he doesn't shape up then you have at least given the relationship your best shot and you can move on with your life a begin your seacrh for a guy that doesn't fall back on lame excuses for his actions.
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reader, lucee +, writes (16 July 2006):
all i can say is, your worth much more than this. he is under mining you and you don't deserve it. just get rid and find someone who will realise how special you are
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. Everyone who answers seems to feel the same as me, .. this it is not acceptable, and I am not being pathetic and 'from venus' when I say to him, this makes me feel bad. I have tried to talk to him already about this. I dont want to end the relationship, but feel it is not good for me as it is, and will gradually erode my self exteem if it carries on as it is. I would like to try to talk to him one more time, before calling it a day. Please advise me... what should I say to him. How can I help him understand how his behaviour makes me feel? He takes the view that his behaviour is perfectly normal for a guy, and the problem is all in my head. All of your opinions are very much appreciated, and I think its brilliant that you take to time to try to help.... and it does, help, that is.
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reader, willywombat  +, writes (15 July 2006):
 Doing this is killing your self esteem. If he truely loved you and you ahve told him it makes you feel bad AND he continues.....then you ahve a decision to make honey!!
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (15 July 2006):
He is simply showing poor manners in his behavior. Good manners dictate concern for another's feelings which he isn't doing. Learning polite behavior is possible at any age. If you want to stay with him, sit him down and let him know how this is upsetting to you. If he cares he will modify his actions. If he doesn't then you need to move on. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, he's not an artist, although he is interested in art. I just feel that he is immature, and has an immature approach to relationships. We are both over 40. Of course I know he has had relationships and sexual experiences before, and so have I. But I dont need to hear about them,and wouldnt dream of talking about my past experiences to him... at least not in the way he does. I have tried talking to him about it, but if someone doesnt want to hear what you are saying, you cant make them. I'm torn between thinking that this is him trying to keep me at arms length, because he is scared, and this will pass in time. Or, hes just an immature womaniser who I'd be better off without.At least it helps to know that other people dont think I am just being over sensitive and pathetic. To be honest, I wasnt sure. But at least now I know I am right to be concerned.
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reader, AvocadoMilkTea +, writes (14 July 2006):
 He sounds inconsiderate, but then again, he might be a visual artist. Is he an artist of some sort?
I realize that his behavior may cause you some grief, and I think you really need to talk to him about this. If he brushes it off repeatedly, then you need to really consider whether this is the type of guy you want to be intimately involved with. There has to be some sort of meaningful compromise between you and him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2006): I think it's nice that your man admires the female form...most guys do. The difference is..most guys respect their ladyloves enough to be discreet about their glances, as to not hurt her feelings. So...when I hear of anyone telling their beloved of his past sexual ancedotes and experiences, I cringe! Why oh why...do people (men and women alike) have to do this? (groan, groan) If his interest in watching and admiring other women takes precedence over his interest in you or in any way come at the expense of the relationship and your feelings-you have a problem. Best to sit him down and tell him to 'tone it down'. When men are with their women, many men will look at other women..but they do it ever so 'subtley'---not bold, in your face and blatant, with little concern/respect for his gf's feelings. I question a man's sincerity, and his genuine feelings of love/respect when he behaves like this. It may seem to him that your concerns does reflect your insecurity to see his interest in other female forms as a sign of your lack of desirability. But, he's doing this to keep you 'off balance' dear..it's an immature game to make you desire him all the more. This is the type of behaviour you would find at the local high school. So when a man feels he has to do this..it's actually a reflection of his own immaturity, his own anxieties and his own insecurities. Guarunteed...he will lose you if he keeps this behaviour ongoing.
Why don't you address this concern with him in a calm, mature way. This is the way good relationships are built -- by addressing concerns, not displacing them and sitting there, allowing it to erode your spirit. Why are you allowing this! Get proactive and set some relationship boundries here and you need to open your eyes and observe his behavior-how kind and considerate he is to you, how much of an investment of time he is making in the relationship, indications that he factors your love relationship into future plans. Observe, watch, and scrutinize. If he still continues this behaviour.....then is he really worth it..reassess this relationship or it will slowly eat away at your confidence even more. Let him go...no feelings of love for a man who treats you this way is worth it. Women always have to remember one crucial thing. Choose a partner wisely and well. We are attracted to people for all kinds of reasons. But before the chemical, hormonal urges make one lose their sensibilities a woman has to use her brains! Always, always. always....evaluate a potential partner as you would a friend: look at their character, personality, values, their generosity of spirit, the relationship between their words and actions, their relationships with others. Know your partner's beliefs about relationships before you get in too deep. Make the best choice for what's best for you. Take care.
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reader, jezibelinhell +, writes (14 July 2006):
 You're special because YOU are the one he chose to be with. That's alot better than feeling special because you have a great set of hooters. Besides...if he's that hung up on womens bodies, then you must be all kinds of fine for him to give all that up and commit to you. How is your relationship otherwise? Is he honest and faithful? If he doesn't appreciate the "Venus" in you, try being a little more "Mars". Next time you're on the beach together and a bombshell walks by..try saying something first like "Wow! Check her out!" When you hear yourself say it, it sounds much less evil, and it's a reminder that you can compliment a strange female on her looks and still think yourself beautiful (and more special of course) And so can he :) Good luck.
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