A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I'm newly divorced and have been dating a man for 9'months. He has been separated from his wife for 6 years, filed for divorce 4 years ago and the lawyers still have not reached an agreement. I was initially worried dating him since his divorce was not complete and couldn't understand it taking that long. He constantly ensures me that he is not in love with her and he only cares for her because she is the mother of his 3 adult boys and 12 year old daughter. I always felt reassured by him. About the last month, I started to pull away a little, meaning I don't spend every weekend with him. I told him that I'm trying to be smart and put myself first because I was really wrapped up in him and would find myself feel anger towards his "wife" when she would ask him for $100's of more dollars each month and withhold their daughter from seeing him if he didn't give in. He was always upset about her using their daughter against him. According to his lawyer, he pays double in support than he should have. They had a court date set and all seemed good to go. He called me last week at work and was very excited. They had reached an agreement and there would be no need for court. Their agreement was "giving her exactly what he does now and he gets to see his daughter every other weekend". I was blown away by the fact that he gave in when he didn't need to. But I said nothing except " I'm really happy that u are happy. That's great". Last Thursday he sent me a text that he would try calling me later that night because he would have his daughter all day. He never called. The next morning he ignored my calls. He text me later and said he was spending the whole weekend with his daughter and his sons wanted to spend time with him too. He was so happy. I could tell something was not right. Come to find out, he took his kids, their friends and yes "his wife" to disneyland. His wife couldn't afford to go, so he paid for her whole trip as well. I text him and told him I knew where they were and asked why he lied. He said that he could feel me pulling away lately and he wanted to spend time with the kids and take them to Disneyland but they wouldn't go unless their mom went too. I then went to his Facebook page to see if I could see pictures of the trip but I am now blocked. I have a fix of emotions: anger, hurt, jealousy and confusion. How can he bad talk a woman to me for 6 months and then take her on a trip which he paid 100% of?? Do I call him to vent my frustrations? Walk away without speaking my mind?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ Ivyblue....... Thank You. I have already deleted his #, blocked him from social media & have had zero contact with him. Holding my head high & walking away. I appreciate ur advice.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ Honeypie....Thank You for ur advice. I will NOT date any man who is not 100% divorced again. Lesson learned. I appreciate ur input.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 September 2015):
 I am with Ciar. KEEP your dignity and walk away.
Funny that he BLAMES you for pulling away, like that is a GOOD reason for him to lie to you.. it's not.
I SERIOUSLY doubt that he invited the wife because the kids demanded it. I think it was because he wanted to take her.
And I have to say, it IS a red flag when a guy talk a LOT of smack about an ex partner. Because to me it seems more like he felt he had to talk smack about her to "build" you up and make you think that you are so much more special than her. Yet his actions? Doesn't really say that, do they?
I really can't understand why people who are separated are out there dating. THEY are still married, and will continue to be intertwining with a spouse till that INK dries. They might ACT single, but they are NOT single.
Sorry, I know that wasn't what you wanted to hear. I agree with blocking and deleting him and moving on. And next time, DO NOT date someone who isn't fully single.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (28 September 2015):
 If he felt you pulling away then why not bring it up for discussion and sort it out? Sounds more like a cop out and excuse to lay his choices at your feet. His new found happiness should not be at your expense and recent holiday with the ex runs the risk of emotional reminiscing down memory lane. Walk away head held high and get your pound of flesh by moving on to bigger and better opportunities. Unfriend, delete his number etc
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A
male
reader, BE125 +, writes (28 September 2015):
Hi, I will be very honest with you here. The gorilla in the room here seems to be you were becoming involved with a married man who has children. Civil divorce does not necessarily break the bond of marriage. What I see here is you putting yourself in a tough spot and to some extent setting yourself up to be disappointed. You knew he was still "legally" married at least. Depending on your religious beliefs, you may also know that civil divorce has no bearing on a sacramental marriage. Christians don't recognize civil divorce, so that is a variable here too.The other tough issue here is one I wrestle with too. You are getting involved with someone who has children from this marriage. When it comes to dating someone with kids, I think we have to prepare ourselves for what could happen. You may have no problems, or you may have 2 worlds colliding. In your case it seems like a competition for time and attention, and when that happens, blood is thicker than water every time. My best advice to you is to disengage with this relationship as I see it has the potential to be unhealthy for you. Perhaps there is someone out there who's widowed or never married that could benefit greatly from what a lady like you has to offer. Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 September 2015):
 You should walk away and not look back. I think that 4 year divorce is bullshit and something's wrong with his story. There are always advice on this site about not believing a man who is still married. That includes ditching all man who's still not divorced even though it sounds convincing that they'd been working on it. No divorce no dating. Keep it simple. The reason you pulled away proved to be exactly why it's necessary. Make sure you pull away completely.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (28 September 2015):
 Maintain your dignity and walk away.
The ex, be it a husband or a wife, makes a convenient punching bag. He vents with you but he has to keep some measure of goodwill because she's going to be in his life for a very long time. I'm guessing you don't have children.
He has unfinished business with her. His life is too messy right now and you don't need his baggage.
Block him, delete him and quietly move on. Be thankfully you have your life to live and not his.
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