A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My fiancé and I were going to get married this year. Then he got a job that involves being away from home for 4 to 6 weeks at a time. He’s been doing this for 5 months now. He only gets paid at the end of each contract. I’ve got to manage our home and pay all the bills and deal with all the problems myself. We do not have a joint account so I’ve got to wait till he gets back and gets paid before he will contribute his share as he will not leave money with me or send it to me until he returns and goes over the bills. He pays his maintenance for his daughter from a previous relationship without hesitation every month right on time, plus extras any time she or her mom ask. He has also told me we’ll put the wedding off until he’s settled in the new job, which also means putting off starting our family which we were going to try to do once we were married. I don’t like the way things are going. He is not there to support me or share my life any more and I think our relationship is suffering but he thinks everything is ok and tells me I must just be patient. He’s basically a good guy but I don’t think he’s being fair. We’ve discussed it and he feels it’s ok doing it his way because we are “not married yet”. Apparently I need the “wife” status first. He’s doing a very good job of alienating me. No argument or reasoning I’ve presented so far has changed anything. Any ideas out there? Should I just give up on him – they say that past behaviour often predicts future behaviour and I don’t think I can handle this much longer.
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female
reader, largentsgirl89  +, writes (30 March 2011):
 He obviously doesn't trust you enough to leave you with money to help you out while he is away or set up a joint account with you so you can pay what you need to pay, etc and that is a big probably especially since you are engaged to be married.
There is a possiblity that he could change, but it is highly unlikely. People usually don't change past behavior without a grand epiphany. Have you told him any of this? The feeling alienated and on your own? Like he is trying to postpone the wedding?
I would talk to him about it. He seems more interested in himself than in both of you together as a unit.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 March 2011):
You're the first person who's come on this site and written a quote that I totally agree with.
"They say past behaviour indicates future behaviour"
You are together, you have a house together and you have been together for some time now. You were supposed to get married this year, but he's put that off. There is no joint account, and he leaves no money whatsoever to help. And when he does come back, he goes through everything like you're in some way fleecing him.
This guy basically does what he wants, when he wants and doesn't take your views or feelings into account at all. Why does the wedding now need to be put off? Makes no sense to me. Why at this stage do you not have a joint account into which you both pay money, and fro which bills are paid?
These things don't make sense to me. This man offered his hand in marriage, yet isn't contributing.
My bet is that you'll never see that ring on your finger, and you'll never see him act differently. Perhaps this is why his first marriage failed? Maybe he treated her like an accessory rather than a wife.
I would seriously urge you to look at this relationship. It seems to be far too much about him, and not about being together.
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