A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing a guy who is engaged. We met about a year ago, and over time we have become so close, we started off being great friends but it just went too far... now we are so in love, we have everything in common and have not once been sick of each other, we cry to each other on the phone almost every other night. We would be together although I am 22 and he is 37. He feels that I have so much more to experience in my life and if I ended up with him I would leave him when I grow older... he feels he is too old for me. I love him to death and he loves me too, I feel for his fiancee so much but when love gets in the way you just don't know how to resist.I keep on breaking it off but we just keep coming back together - I want to be with him and I know if I really tried, we could... I just feel that my parents will never approve, and maybe that fact that we are from different walks of life - it may not work out and I will be forever regretful if he makes the wrong decision.I'm not thinking straight and I really need someone in the right frame of mind to give me the right advice.Thank you so much xox
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (17 July 2007):
 Wise up Chickie, the guy is playing you like a violin. Throw him back to the poor smuck who agreed to marry him. You are right, you aren't thinking straight, try harder.
A
female
reader, Beckto +, writes (17 July 2007):
 How on earth could he be engaged and have an emotionally intimate relationship with you?? (You weren't clear, is it a sexual relationship too?)
He sounds really shady and dishonest.
All of this time he is giving you, he SHOULD be giving to his fiancée who he is going to marry and supposedly build a relationship with...
These are big flags that you are totally ignoring. Can you even imagine being engaged to someone who actually has someone else on his mind? How selfish! And cruel. And immature.
As Mark Twain said, "Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." To me, the whole age thing at your age (21/22) isn't as much of an issue.
But, what does matter is the fact that he is, at the very least, emotionally cheating on his future wife. If he isn't happy being with her, he should stop wasting her time and break it off.
You need to wise up and realize that all of his actions, including the immature, selfish ones, are all part of his character. He is dishonest with someone he supposedly loves, and if the two of you were ever together, he'd do it you too, some how.
Move on. Learn from this person by discovering who NOT to date.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (17 July 2007):
 Having a relationship with someone who is engaged is not correct, and it isn't wise, either.
It's not correct because it's called cheating. YOU are not respecting the bond the fiancée has with this man. You are harming her. Think what you would feel if you were engaged to this man and she were the one having a relationship with him.
Do you think this man is trustworthy? He's cheating on his fiancée. He's not a good man, neither for her nor you.
Then, the relationship is not wise because, in your post, you don't say he's leaving his fiancée. He keeps saying you won't be with him later in life. You know, he's fifteen years your senior, yet he claims YOU have more experience in life than he does? This is bull**** if I have ever seen it. I'm afraid he's using you. You don't mention that in your post, but, maybe you've already had sex?
What is the future of this relationship, from your point of view? You're going nowhere. He will marry anyways.
If he loved you (and I'm sure he doesn't), wouldn't it be the right thing to call off the wedding?
I know you can fall for someone who is engaged, married, pregnant, whatever. This is not wrong; you don't choose to fall in love with anyone. But, you do choose what to do about that love. If the circumstances of life are not right, then it's unwise to follow your feelings. You need to learn this. Falling for this man is not wrong, but having a relationship with him is. You are responsible here (as much as he is).
Rather than "too old for you", he should say he is "too different". Fifteen years wouldn't matter that much if you were older; say, forty versus fifty-five. But here we're talking about a huge age gap. You are in very different stages in life, and he knows this full well. I find him irresponsible towards you.
I think you were doing the right thing when you broke up with him. You know, with your mind, that this isn't right; but you are letting your heart rule.
I'm afraid you will end up very, very heart broken if you continue to see this man. My advice is, don't see him anymore.
My heart is with you.
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