A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My bf and I dont see eye to eye sexually and its now causing major issues. Been together 4 years. Love each other immensely, but I'm down about the whole relationship because of the sex. its not an overnight thing, and has been going on for a while but has been made worse by my trying to talk about it to him, he thinks im going on about it and its now a chore.He does have a high sex drive, no probs with erections or anything like that and hes not cheating its just we dont have sex as hes always either tired, stressed, masturbated that day, busy, so on... We always used to have a regular sex, but over time its dwindled down.Now it didnt matter at first as I know he loves me, and shows me this all the time. We do alot of things for one another and thigns are in the main great. Its just this glitch that has gone on far too long now and i dont know what to do. He thinks that all i do is moan that were not having sex and cant see what the big deal is. Lets see, last time we had sex was 4 weeks ago. I tried to make an effort last night, and suggested we go to bed together, he knew my intentions, but he skirted around the issue.. he did come to bed with me, but had the hump as he had broken something beforehand, so wasnt really approachable. So no sex, All i was trying to do was get us on par having sex again but somehow went wrong again, as obviously he felt pressured. The only way i can kind of make a date for sex with him is to pre arrange it, as i havent the confidence anymore to ask him face to face, so it feels like an arrangement. Even when it wasnt like that, i was often scared of rejection. Have tried dressing up, asking what he wants and so on. He says hes more than happy and that the measure of how much sex we have is not how much we love each other. I know that, but im starting to resent him. Im not ready to give up on a sex life, or him, but I feel ive put so much into this to throw it away... Why shouldnt I have a sex life, why has it got to be so difficult.. But what if i end up cheating... what if i get so fed up with it that it happens.. im not a cheat, and all i want is a healthy happy relationship with my man who i love so very much, why is it so difficult when everything else is pretty much perfect, its just the sex thing... Anyone shed any light, as the longer this goes on the less confident i feel... yes ive talked with him, but he feels got at, so how do fix it... I feel neglected sexually he feels pressured... not sure how long i can carry on doing it, but I dont want to throw it away :o(
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female
reader, dragonette  +, writes (15 February 2007):
 I've had similar experiences with my boyfriend. He has periods of not wanting to have sex. Especially when he's stressed.
I have however noticed that whenever we go on vacation he's all over me.
So maybe you can try taking your guy on a vacation?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2007): Hi I wrote the question. Thanks for your replies.
Im sure he still has a high sex drive. He does masturbate alot and I thought perhaps that was a stress/depressed thing. So the abstaining for me is so hard as how dare he get off without me when im more than willing to help him in that department, its like im all forgotten, ive had to get past that and let it ride, but this has been going on for a bout 9 months. I have told him often enough how im feeling, low, unattractive, etc.. and he simply tells me he loves me, hugs me and tells me how silly im being and of course he fancies me, and then kisses me... and im like for godsake!!! Eve I have also tried the abstaining... all that did was make the length in between sex longer... I kind of thought leave it dont mention be normal and so on and hes bound to get the urge... but no... I guess the fact that we havent had sex for 4 weeks this time round, that if he does come to me then i have to be tough and say no.. but what if i do that and he doesnt try again later down the line ? What if he then thinks ive gone off him ?
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A
female
reader, Carina  +, writes (15 February 2007):
 Are you sure your boyfriend still has a high sex drive? He may have erections but does he still have the desire? Do you know if he masturbates alot and do you think that's because it's quicker and easier than having proper sex? Generally, if everything else is good in a relationship a lowered sex drive is caused by either physical or psychological causes. There are a number of physical reasons: drinking a lot of alcohol, taking drugs or regular medication, or being overweight. All those things can affect a man's libido. If none of those are relevant then (if he will), he could see a doctor to check everything else is okay. Although it's fairly rare, some men have low testosterone levels. A doctor will be sympathetic and help him sort out any of these physical problems.
However, it sounds to me as though there may be psychological causes. It's very common for men to lose a desire to have sex if they are stressed or depressed. If he IS feeling down and tired etc that would also explain why he's irritable about discussing it. Try to talk to him about it at a time when you are unable to have sex so that he won't feel under any pressure...when you're out for a meal, or in the car perhaps. Tell him that you love him very much but that this is making you feel rejected and unloved. He probably hasn't realised just how much it's affecting you because he's wrapped up in his own problems. I know it's difficult for you but you need to be patient with him. The more you pressurise him the worse it will get.
If you're still having sex once a month then try to be content with that for a while. There are many relationships where that's considered quite normal when people lead busy lives. Do you cuddle and touch a lot when you're NOT planning sex? Sometimes it works to agree that you won't have sex for a few weeks but will just hug and cuddle each other. This takes some of the pressure off and starts to promote some desire! Perhaps you could talk to him more about what's stressing him out and depressing him. Your support and help with that will make him realise how important you are to him and that he means more to you than just sex (which may be how he's feeling).
If it continues or worsens and you really can't cope then quietly suggest going to Relate or couple counselling together. Again, don't do this at some time when you're arguing or he's just turned you down. Wait for a good moment when he's relaxed with you and sex isn't on the agenda. This is a complicated problem and might require some outside help. I wish you both the best of luck.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (15 February 2007):
 Okay, if you want to get your sex life back on track then I the best thing to do is abstain! Sounds contradictory? You have tried talking to him and he feels pressured so you know that doesn't work. The more you try to talk about it the more you're seen as "nagging" him right? So say to him... "Look honey, I know I've been pressuring you about sex but you don't need to worry about that any more as I've decided to abstain from sex for a while. You're right, it isn't the be all and end all of a relationship so you don't need to worry about the pressure any more.! Now that's the EASY part. What you need to do now is be patient!
You see it's all reverse psychology. You have put the seed into his brain that there's no problem there any more so he'll WANT to do it. When he does come up to you (which he will, to test you out) then say no, give him a hug and leave it at that. Do this a few times and before long he'll be so desperate to make love to you.
It may take a week or even two or three before the urge takes him, and when it does say no (nicely). This will ALSO let him see how you've been feeling when you reject him in this way. If you feel you're desperate for sex then use a vibrator when you're on your own to take the pressure off you. If he doesn't feel any pressure to "perform" then his libido will rise. Like I said, it's all reverse psychology... and it works! ;o)
Eve
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