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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: hi,im just after a bit of advice. i am 23 and ive been going out with a 20 yr girl for about 3 months and we have been spending most of our time together since meeting, but she is originally from stockport so has gone home to stockport, about 100 miles from where i live (she lives local to me), for the xmas period to be with her family, i have been to see her on boxing day, new years day and the 2nd. As far as i was concerned everything was going great, but she told me on the 2nd january that her ex boyfriend who is now her best friend and has found out that she has a boyfriend, he has had an argument with her and said to her that he cannot be her friend while she has a boyfriend so it is either me or him. She told me this, but implied but contuously saying 'sorry' to me and she wanted space to decide, i did not contact her for 2 days. Then she contacted me saying she really likes me and did not want to hurt me but had to tell me what happened. she then told me that she is greatful that we are together and she has chosen me instead of him, as he cannot blackmail her like that. but since then i have offered to see her, etc but whenever i text her to tell her my emotions or saying i want to see her, she does not say anything, she only replies to me if i ask her trivial questions like 'what are you doing', then just get a short reply. i just dont know what is going on, i feel iam in a catch 22 situation where if i pester her, i make things worse, but im scared that if i ignore her then i am pushing each other apart. maybe it is because i am older and i am taking things too fast and serious, but i really like her and want to know that. i scared of slowing things down. afraid i will lose her either way.i have tried to speak to people at work who just say to forget about her and leave her alone for her to contact me, but im just so used to seeing her and being in contact with her, that i cant stop checking my phone and thinking about her, i feel ill because of this and cant distract myself in anyway.regardsdavid
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2007): I think you should back off until you hear from here. Stop texting and don't phone. I wouldn't be too chuffed if a bf that to me. You have feelings too. why should you have to wait until she decides which one she wants. Take the decision out of her hands and finish it with her. Then they can get back together and be happy ever after. Sorry to sound so harsh but she needs a wake up call. she can't love you or she wouldn't even be thinking about choosing. Exs have only one place and that is right in the distance. They are supposed to be the past, dead and forgotten. Get rid and get a gf that doesn't run back to her ex!
Take care
xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2007): Hi David,
I have a suggestion for you, stop using text messaging and waiting for replies and then guaging the health of your relationship based on what you get....I HATE TEXT MESSAGING IN RELATIONSHIPS because it is problematic in that it turns you into a text addict, you have the patience of a crack addict and it just feeds on any insecurities you may have....just get the confidence up to phone her and ask her out, set a date, she said she chose you, now get on with it and start dating again....don't pressure her with all of your feelings about it, don't send her nuemerous texts....technology is really a tool, use it like you would for business...only use it when you cannot connect by phone to set up a future date for speaking in person or to give directions to a pub or something, otherwise, have real live one on one conversations only....texting is a very unreliale technology for one, she may not have even received half of your texts and does not know you sent one, often people don't hear the phone, don't check their in-box and it is just a nuisance!
You don't have to throw in the towel because she needed time to think about her feelings about losing her ex for good, she needs to if she is going to have a new boyfriend, they call them ex-es for a reason, that is where they need to stay gone.
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A
female
reader, Juliette  +, writes (7 January 2007):
 It is a difficult situation for you but you have to realise this girl has been thrown into a dilemma where she has been forced to choose bwteen you and her ex. Rationally, she would be better out of his way but then he may not have realised his feelings until he thought he had lost her to you. Being in such a triangle relationship is not healthy for you and as long as you hang around for her she may keep you on a string, always in reserve in case he dumps her. It is just human nature, she obviously cares for you but also has ties to him. Hard as is sounds, you would be best to give her space for her old relationship to run its course. You could tell her you care about her and she is welcome to contact you if she decides once and for all her old relationship is broken, but that in the meantime you have to get on with your life.
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