A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:Hi AllI'm 45, in a relatively new relationship (six months). My guy (47) is very religious (Catholic) and believes that sex outside of marriage is a sin. I respect his views and though its not easy, I abide by them (mostly). We have had sex a few times but it's off to Confession for us as soon as possible.My problem is that though he likes fellatio, he refuses to partake in cunnilingus. In fact, he doesn't even want to touch me in that area. I find it hurtful and feel rejected, because to me, touch is a very important part of a relationship. Sex is not the be all and end all of everything but the fact that he doesn't want to touch me at all is rather strange....Apart from that, we get on very well. He is very thoughtful and kind, trustworthy, honourable and honest. I have kids, have been married, he has no kids and has never been married. Any advice? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, hannahmews  +, writes (21 June 2011):
 Hey, My suggestion for you would be to abide by his religious beliefs, i.e. not having sex or giving fellatio. You see, it seems as though he either doesn't have a strong will or just does not fully believe in his religion. What I'd suggest is for you to explain, that if your relationship is going to work, it has to be built on strong foundations- and if his religion is important to him then he will want this also. If he does not want this to happen, and wants sex and fellatio, then try explaining to him that it is unfair for you to pleasure him, if he is not going to give in return. I'd perhaps just tell him love making is a shared experience, and what is shared when all he does is recieve? Explain to him that it is both natural for him to recieve and give, and that for him to give would not only be sexually satifying for you, but would show you that he WANTS you to be happy and feel secure with him. I'd try and explain my feelings, and tell him that it is all or nothing- a strong relationship is an equal one on all levels, and he cannot pick and choose what he wants, nor can he expect you to repent for something he should not have even taken part in if he has a religion that forbids it. I hope this helps
A
male
reader, Organ Donor +, writes (18 April 2010):
 Ditch him, he is a disaster for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): I think the religion is a cop-out. Either he's willing to be relatively balanced in sexual matters or he's not.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2008): I agree with the marriage thing but he has some weird ideas about his religion. I would seriously think about getting a new guy. How can it make any sense where it is ok for you to touch him but he can't touch you?
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (26 April 2008):
 If you like him and his form of religion, then you should just accept him as he is.
I don't think you can change his mindset but you may try .
If touching you is more important , than you need to look for someone else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): Thank you all for taking the time to reply to my question. As far as sin is concerned, yes he knows that fellatio is a sin, but he feels it is less so if he doesn't come, and he has good self control. He says that sex outside marriage causes us to be outside of God's grace, and I can see his point, though I am not as religious as he is. It is not the lack of sex that bothers me, it is the sense of rejection that I find hurtful. We both have a lot of baggage to sort out and that doesn't help. I've a feeling he may have been abused as a child, by a woman, hence his fear of going down... I like him very much and as I said before, he is a very kind, honest, trustworthy person. By the way, he has had thoughts of a vocation to the priesthood!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (22 April 2008):
 Sometimes religion is not the lamb, but the scapegoat. Some people blame religion for things they do themselves. Where I live, some people used to have many children, and the usual explanation was "We'll have as many as God sends". The real explanation was "My husband is afraid that my using contraceptives might let me cheat on him without "evidences" being left". It was true that the Church frowns on contraception, but that was not the real reason why people were not using contraception.
That's only by way of introduction. I think Double M has it right: "he knows nothing about or has little desire pleasing a woman sexually, yet wants his own pleasures satisfied".
Poster, I suggest that you ask him, quite openly, why he won't even touch you. Also, that you tell him you're not buying the "religion" explanation.
Unfortunately for you, I'm sure he's selfish; but I don't think there is a way to press anyone to do something he or she doesn't want to do. Maybe you will have to take him as he is, or leave him. I'm not saying I agree with him; I just want to tell what your options are.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (22 April 2008):
 Quote:
"He is very thoughtful and kind, trustworthy, honourable and honest."
Those are good traits, but the truth seems to me that he knows nothing about or has little desire pleasing a woman sexually, yet wants his own pleasures satisfied. Whatever the excuse, or the basis for the excuse, the result is the same. He wins, you lose.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2008): Hiya,
I know from experience that religion and sex can be confusing, but it doesn't sound like your man is being very honest with himself. If he really takes his views on sex seriously, it sounds like sex, fellatio and cunnilingus are probably no go areas, but he is too afraid or reluctant to admit it. At the moment he is ignoring the issue, conveniently letting himself get carried away and regretting it later. This isn't fair on you or helping his relationship with God, I suspect.
I would ask him about it. You need to know where you stand and it will affect your relationship if one or both of you is feeling guilty. Sex should be fun, not a source of worry.
Also, it might be that he just doesn't feel confident performing cunnilingus or that he doesn't want to? either way you should feel free to ask the question about why he doesn't.
Sounds like he is sitting on the fence and getting the best of both worlds at the moment. However if you really respect his views, offer encouragement to work out what he really believes and how to be true to himself. If he is the honest, honourable man you describe, he will make a decision about where he stands.
p.s. don't forget to tell him all the good things you've said about him and let him know you're not complaining about his abilities in the sack!
sorry this is so long...
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A
female
reader, vsnod +, writes (22 April 2008):
 This is very unfair. You make him orgasm and he gives you nothing? I think you need to explain/talk to him about this and hopefully you guys can work out a better situation. And oral sex is sex. So if he is afraid of sinning... then I'm sorry to say, fellatio is a sin in the Catholic church.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2008): emm okay, if he is so religious he'd know not to engage in any of the listed activities and yeah we do get tempted and sometimes fall but if religion is his excuse for not partaking in cunnilingus,then it could be that he just doesnt feel comfortable going down on you yet OR he just feels guilty because he knows he shouldn't partake in such.anyways my sincere advice, talk to him about it or dont "fellatio" him.,lol. But talking alwayys helps. Good luck
P.S- God is not stupid and can never be fooled as merciful as He is.
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