A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Here is my situation – my boyfriend and I live together and we each have one child from a previous marriage (ages 3 ½ and 2). We have been together for about a year and a half now. In September (prior to us moving in together – we moved in together in January) he broke up with me 5 weekends in a row. The last time, I had had enough and went on a date with someone else. During my date, he was calling me multiple times and telling me he wanted to talk. I told him I was out with my girlfriends and would talk with him the next day. Needless to say, he ended up coming to my apartment that night and using his key to get in, and I was there with the other guy (not sleeping with him). My boyfriend lost it, and we broke up for good for a few weeks. During that time we still talked and tried to hang out together. We decided to get back together about 3 weeks after we broke up and moved in together (at his request) in January. The problem is, he cannot let go of the fact that I went out with someone else and he saw me with him. He throws it in my face constantly and doesn’t trust me at all, calling me a cheater, even though we were broken up at the time of my date. We have tried therapy and it doesn’t seem to be working. We really want to make this work and don’t want to do any damage to our kids by taking out of the home that they have come to know.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (29 April 2009):
 I'm not going to say you're in the wrong to go out on a date with the other guy, but I feel your timing in doing so is part of the issues you're facing now. I just want to give you a bit of incite with how your boyfriend may be viewing this.
First, you lied to him, and said you were out with your girlfriends. Although the way he found you were untruthful was not appropriate, he did and not being truthful destroys trust and is deceitful. My simple rule is, if you can't tell the truth, you shouldn't be doing it.
Next, from his view of you with this other person, he now sees himself as being easily replaceable. In other wards, not being valued in your life, and may feel a bit as if he's imposing on your freedom to be with other guys.
Have you heard the saying, time heals all wounds? They key is "time". In these situations where there is flip flopping from breaking up to being together, going out with someone else quickly opens wounds that have not been healed. When he called you on your date, your answer created "permanence" in reducing his importance to being less important than the other man you were with. Not your fault, but this is where the jealousy and accusations is created. He's challenging his value to you.
Choose a different therapist. You two need help overcoming these issues. Find one who has mastered relationship issues, and isn't just a general therapist. You need one who isn't going to just listen, but will help you develop a plan to strengthen your bond. You can't erase what has happened, but you can set it aside and start a new.
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