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female
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anonymous
writes: I'm 24 yrs old and have been with my bfriend for 7 yrs now. I have a son from a previous relationship and now a daughter with my current partner.We have been having problems for the past year and can't seem to get past them. He drinks a lot and when he does he can be physically abusive. When he's sober he can be verbally abusive. His mood changes in a moment.I am desperately unhappy most of the time, but sometimes I see the man I fell in love with. So I'm confused, should I stay with him and see if eventually things will work out, or should I make the break and try and get on with my life? And if I do make the break - how do I without hurting my kids or making him angry? (We don't have helplines or shelters like other parts of the world!)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2006): get out. he's not going to change. he can really hurt you in the end. its not good that the kids are stuck in the middle of this. i know how you feel. i dont know why men are like this with us women. try to get a hold of a family member and let them know whats going on. and if you do leave, dont look back. dont think about him, just move on and look forward to the future and be positive. in the end you'll be much happier and have someone who does truly love and care about you. this man doesnt love you. he has problems with himself. dont ever convince your self that your the problem or always be thinking "what if" i would of done this better he wouldnt be this way. he's not going to change. i know from experience. i had it hard. my own family didnt help me because i was married to such a cruel man, because they feared him. but i hope you find someone who is willing to give you a hand so that you could leave this scumbag, no good for nothing a@3hole! dont let this man take control of you. i hope things turn out well for you. good luck and God Bless!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2006): It doesn't matter how nice he seems during those rare instances, if he ever descends into abuse of any kind, this man isn't meant to be in a relationship with you. You may worry about the impact breaking up will have on the kids, but I promise you they will be better off having a mom who is not physically or emotionally battered to attend to them. You will furthermore teach them a valuable lesson about respect in relationships (perhaps not right now, but by the time they are ready to date). Your kids will adjust.
You should rightfully be the most concerned about how to leave. If you fear an adverse reaction from your husband, it may be appropriate to pack up as many things as you can and leave while he's away from the house, and leave a letter explaining that you can't tolerate his treatment any longer. Make sure you have friends or family you can stay with beforehand, and don't worry if you can't take absolutely everything with you - right now, your physical safety and that of your children is the most important thing. Whatever you do, act quickly, and realize that sticking around won't change his behaviour. You need to send a message that he can't treat his partner this way, and leaving is really the only way to make it clear.
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A
female
reader, matron +, writes (12 May 2006):
 Hi, i can sympathise with you and my advice to you is to get out of the relationship. I too was in your situation, i was married to an alcoholic, he was my second husband, i'd known him 20yrs but never realised he drank so much or had such violent mood swings. We had children but not together, when his sons visited it was me who cared for them as he was either in the pub or passed out.I realised after only a matter of wks that i should never have married him but for the same reasons as you i stayed. After about a year i decided it had to stop, he would accuse me of things i hadn't said or done, the mental cruelty was so hard to take day in day out, in front of people he couldn't have been nicer although after a few he would belittle me, when we were alone he changed into an angry aggressive bully. It took alot of guts but i got my freinds behind me and when he was sober i told him he had to go, he broke down and told me he would change but i'd heard it so many times, i still loved him and always hoped that the man i fell in love with would come back, he denied he had a problem. He did move out and he did go for help but ignored advice and ended up sleeping on the streets (he had once been a qualified engineer!)he was found a flat by social services where he drank himself to death, some people tried to blame me but when they got to know why i had to get him out of my life they sympathised with me. I feel very sad that his life ended the way it did but it could have been me up at the cemetery if i hadn't acted when i did. Kids adapt especially when the environment they live in becomes a happy, calm and secure home.Be strong and good luck.
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