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female
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anonymous
writes: HI ve been with my bf 5 years we have 1 child and live together..trouble is he doesnt work...he blames me and says i nag to much but even when i told him i was pregnant he didnt work i worked full time and now i work part time supporting all of us...im just so angry at him ive tried to help him get a job but the more i ask the more he says i nag and that he doesnt like me an that its prob my fault he doesnt work and never goes out...the more i try to reason that its not me the more angry he gets and says hell leave so i say go and he doesnt and it starts again..i know ive changed but he says ive let him down big time but i think its the other way around..i just dont know what to do and am starting to wonder if it is me...Any advice from strangers would be really appreciated as id like a neutral opinion...thankyou Reply to this Question
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female
reader, smeedle  +, writes (15 April 2006):
 What on earth are you doing with this moron, he is using you and abusing you, just get him out and keep him out, stop his freeloading now.
Yes you have a child with him but being a single mum is better than living with a sponging lazy git who is so bone idle he cannot get off his arse and support his family.
Throw him out!!
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female
reader, Jadzia1127  +, writes (14 April 2006):
 This form of emotional blackmail is very abusive and will slowly deteriorate everything wonderful about you and it will do the same to your children if YOU don't stop it. It is not an easy thing to do but you have a little wonderful soul needing you to do this. You can't change him he has to choose to change so give him a wake up call to change.
Put all household bills in his name. Find a new place to live that will be available on certain day for you and baby or talk to your family about staying with them. Tell your BF he has a time limit (that certain day) to get a job or get out. Put it on your calendar so he sees it everyday, then say nothing else. Up until the limit quietly take important papers, sentimental items out of the house (put them in your trunk or if you have a place at work). Look into other help, such as childcare, social services, welfare, etc. Find a single mom support group in your area or at least church women's group or mom/baby play group (some kind of social/support group away from him). Play it cool, do this all as if it has nothing to do with the impending date.
As history has played out he most likely won't get a job and most likely won't leave. If he does get a job, good for him. You're giving him a chance to change.
The day when it comes, take your child and leave. Don't talk to him, don't look back, just leave. Then talk to legal help about child support.
Don't let him move in or talk you into moving back unless he has a job for more then a month and is in some form of counselling for these abusive tendencies, which may have come from being depressed. Yet life is not easy and he needs to learn better copying skills then to beat you down emotionally.
This will be hard and lonely but remember you deserve better then what he is doing to you, use the social/support group you got involved with to help you through. If he really loves you he will want to be the person you deserve.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2006): Don't let the force of his emotion overturn what you've already made plain to see: The man is not making the effort, and he should be ashamed for letting his pregnant wife support the entire family. No doubt he feels frustrated and angry with himself for not working as well, but to turn around and slake that on you is unfair and immature. Unless you broke his arms and legs personally, you are not accountable for his lack of employment. It may be time for him to accept some job, ANY job, knowing that he'll leave it as soon as something better comes along. At this stage, with a newborn in the house and one parent only able to work part-time, some income needs to be generated, no matter how unglamourous the job is. If he has trouble taking unappealing jobs, remind him that he should just keep one eye on the classifieds even when working.
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female
reader, Danielle934 +, writes (14 April 2006):
 Its definitely not you. While reading this it reminded me of my sister (except she doesn’t have a baby) She never had any money because she had to support her and her boyfriend, and he didn’t have a job for two years. He used to blame her that because she was nagging or bitching at him was why he didn’t have a job too, but I say there would be no reason to nag if he would just get a job. Well, he recently got a job, which was basically handed to him… his old boss called him up to see how his life was and found out he wasn’t working and offered him a job.
I want to know why your man says that you have let HIM down? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? If your man is anything like my sister’s, then your man is never going to change, even if he gets a job he will still complain. My sister spent two years going to food banks so they could have something to eat, so you know she never bought or did anything for herself, I knew if I wanted to invite her to do something that I would have to pay for her! And now that her man has a job, he is buying things for himself while my sister still can’t buy things for herself because she has to use her extra money to pay of debts that accumulated because of her man not having any income for two years. He shows no appreciation for my sister taking care of him and acts like the past two years meant nothing. Well my sister is kind of stuck living with her man right now, but she has already made the decision to leave him. She is just waiting for her best friend (who is also her man’s sister) to finish saving up to buy a car, and then they are going to move in together.
I think you should leave your man too, I know he is the father of your child, but he will just keep on treating you this way because you have let him get away with it for so long! You have to remember once you let someone get away with something they WILL keep on doing it! Maybe you can still patch things up with your man in the future, but at this point it will take you doing something drastic like leaving him to let him know his behavior is unacceptable. This man has a child now who he needs to support, your baby deserves more than this! If you stick around your child could grow up thinking it is okay to treat their partner like your guy treats you… which is totally unacceptable! It is time for you to put your foot down and do something about this, and don’t let anything your man has to say make you think that you are doing anything wrong… the only thing wrong you are doing is putting up with his behavior! You have every right to nag since he has been without work for so long!
GOOD LUCK
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