A
female
age
41-50,
*non2011
writes:I've been dating this guy and apart from a few dates at the beginning and the occasional petrol money we split all the bills for the outings about 50/50. He pays slightly more as I am looking for work and he is working. The thing is I don't feel that he is very supportive. I am not earning money at the moment but hopefully soon in the future I will be and I really want to work. However my boyfriend is lazy he tells me he doesn't want to work to earn money. He has a property business and wants to live entirely off property and have loads of free time to do what he wants. I asked him would he work if for example I where to get pregnant (we use condoms but no protection is 100% safe). I recently told him that I would like him to get a more stable source of income as if anything happened I'd like to be supported. He told me I was being mercenary. I told him that he would have to think about getting a stable job or losing me. He said that he wanted to talk face to face. I have thought about a few things I want to say:I think its unfair that he wants to gamble money wise if he wants to stay with me. I want a long term relationship and I want an equal partnership where we both bring in the money to the relationship and support each other. Also I am looking for jobs and going for interviews I am not sitting on my backside waiting for someone to support me and I would n't expect to be with someone I might potentially have to support. He also told me that I am unreasonable if I expect him to change his lifestyle. What do people think?
View related questions:
condom, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): When you complain that he's not "supportive" what do you mean? Do you mean financially supportive?
Why is he "lazy" for being entreprenurial?
Why are you getting ahead of yourself over the stable finances needed to raise an hypothetical child?
I've been laid off before too. It's know it's not easy and I've lost sleep worrying about money and my finanicial security, but I think you are projecting those insecurites on to him.
I think you are not admitting to yourself that you on some level want to be financial supported. You might want him to earn more than you. Or you might want him to earn enough so you can be a housewife. I understand why you might think this way if your parents lived this life.
Please lose this fantasy! Woman being supported by men is the exception, not the rule. You do a diservice to women everywhere when you act this way. Determine your own financial future, don't expect anyone else to do it for you. He is your boyfriend, not your meal ticket. To expect him to be is the height of laziness.
A
female
reader, anon2011 +, writes (5 January 2011):
anon2011 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI should add that he seems like he doesn't want to work to earn money. He did about one weeks worth of work this year and that was it. I think he has savings but I am not sure if he is also borrowing for this enterprise!
...............................
A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (4 January 2011):
I think you are in no position to talk about money whilst you are unemployed yourself. If he has enough money invested in property to live off then fair play to him! Stop trying to change him, or you will loose him.
...............................
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (4 January 2011):
 hi
ha ha, OMG are you with my ex?? i am with you on this, as in for me its not how much money they are making it is the self respect of having a steady job and being able to pay their way that is the most important thing, but maybe i am biased coz i've been in the same situation
xx
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): Your explanation of the situation is a little misleading. You feel comfort in the idea of working for someone else, whereas he feels trapped. By "not work", he means "not work for someone else". To tell you the truth, the property business can be pretty lucrative(especially in residential/commercial rentals), even in a bad economy. Regarding a "stable" source of income, it can be more stable to own property than to trust in the whims of your employer.You can count on him working for a while, since he will have to earn money in order to buy property.By the tone of your explanation, I would say that you should probably leave. Not because he is being lazy(isn't he currently working AND building a business at the same time?), but because you are not supportive of his entrepreneurial lifestyle choice. Doing what he's doing is nearly impossible with those closest to him bringing him down.
...............................
A
female
reader, lovebird1  +, writes (4 January 2011):
Hi there,I think that men are "take it or leave it" merchandise, so to say. If you don't like this man as he is, but the only way to imagine a future with him is to change him a lot, then he's just not the right man for you and you are not the right woman for him. Please don't get me wrong. I am not able to answer the questions "who is right", "what would be fair" etc. here. It wouldn't help anyway. I just say it's impossible to change someone who doesn't want to change without creating negative feelings that will weigh heavy on the relationship. You know what you want in life. And you know what doesn't work out for you. Just tell him that. Listen to what he wants, too, and look at the person he is, without wishing he'd be different.And then ask yourself if you two can be together without anger or grief, and if you have similar hopes and goals in life (does he want kids? does he want a long term relationship?), and decide whether you want to stay with him or leave him.
...............................
|
