A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay, so this is a very long and complicated story, but here goes.I've been in a relationship with this guy for almost a year and a half now. We broke up for three months recently, I 'rebounded' with someone else (as did he) then realised the other guy wasn't right for me and went back to my current boyfriend. We broke up for several reasons - he went to university, I was still in high school so it felt as though we were on different levels to me; we became distant to each other because he was so wrapped up with his new life at university; we argued all the time, and it didn't get anywhere. I also think my feelings for him decreased because of the distance, though this may have been because he went to uni around the average time the 'honeymoon' period wears off.When we got back together, the first few weeks were fine, we were happy to be together again but then the arguments started up once more. We have learnt to communicate better now as before we just used to yell at each other, except the arguments still happen frequently, as in almost every day - I have no idea how they even come about. Recently, he's realised a few of his mistakes and has desperately tried to change them (for example, I've had a pretty traumatic run with my family life and I get a bit down about it sometimes - he used to say "Why are you always so upset about the same thing?". Now he's realised it was wrong of him and he is so understanding every time I'm upset, he will go to any length to cheer me up) - he's such a caring, supportive guy, I've never met someone like him before... except lately, his presence is just annoying me and I absolutely cannot explain it. I think I don't love him anymore... but, he loves me so much and he will actually do anything for me. I've been pretty cold to him lately, I don't know why I'm behaving this way but I can't show him affection, I'm just... blank around him. He's such a good guy, which is why I'm so confused as to why I feel this way - I used to love him more than anything, and that hasn't changed for him... yet it changed for me.For the first ten or so months of our relationship, it was perfection. We never argued, we always wanted to see each other, it was the happiest time of my life. Then the arguments started, yet we wanted to work on it - we broke up because we couldn't deal with each others problems. Now it's the same. As I said, we can communicate much better but we're still arguing, and a lot of it is because of the way I am acting... yet I can't help it.It's not fair on him for me to act this way, yet the thought of losing him terrifies me even though I am doubting my feelings for him. I am still young, it may be because I'm not ready for such a commitment when all he wants is a committed long term relationship; it may be because of my traumatic childhood that I am behaving this way; it may be that I am just scared of being alone. I'm worried that I will break it off with him and regret it for the rest of my life someday because he's such a genuine guy.Sorry about the length of this, but I would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks :)
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (4 January 2011):
 hi i have been through the same and i just think if you are not sure whether splitting up is the right thing to do, don't do it. carry on working at things, like you say you are better at communicating now. do you think you spend too much time together? i think everyone needs their own space or else it gets claustrophobic and annoying and your partner is the one who will get the backlash. talk to him about how you feel maybe and see can he suggest anything. if things are really not working between you there will come a time when you are really ready to give it up and if that day comes, you will not look back and doubt if you made a mistake. you are at an age where a lot of changes happen both in your life and in yourselves generally, so now's the time that you need to nurture the relationship more carefully if you want to grow up together rather than grow apart xx
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