A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My story is kind of long so please bear with me. There is just so much I don't know where to start. I am going to try to make it as simple as possible. I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now. From the start he was never intrested in having sex, although he's had 4 sexual partners before me. For the first 4 months, he was sexual and liked and enjoyed pleasing me. But then I was starting to get frustrated because I didn't understand why he didn't want to take it to the next level. We did everything but sex. We see each other every night. It's like we pretty much live together but don't. He's 25 I am 20. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that there are guys out there who can actually just hang out with a girl without the need to be sexual. No matter what I did, he just didn't want to have sex. He always said he was waiting for something but never really specified what. It would get to the point where we argued about it all the time. He just made excuses like we don't have any condoms but never made the effort to buy them. Well finally 7 months into the relationship I bought condoms and when we finally had sex. But again I had to instigate it. That's how its been ever since. Not only do we barely ever have sex, he doesn't do anything anymore to please me sexually. I please him almost every night but he never returns the favor. We've had sex maybe 10 times in the 1 year we've been together and every time was cause I had to ask for it. That's the first problem. The second problem is I think he's one of those cyber sex guys. I have discorvered hook up websites on his computer, in his history dating as early back as last month to when we first started dating. He has naked pictures of different girls saved on his computer. Once when he left his email open, I looked and it was all emails from random girls naked sending him pictures. I've also found pictures of his body parts that he's most likely sent to girls. I know that he must do this stuff when I leave at night because if he's not with me he's at work. The only time we are apart is if I am at school or at night when I go home. I leave at night after he "falls asleep" but it seems to be that he gets up to chat to girls who undress for him on webcam. I have confronted him about the websites and the emails but he just denies it and gets extremely rude and just ignores me and blows it off. He won't sit there and talk to me. I even asked him why are those emails there and to imagine how I felt when I seen them and he just said well then you shouldn't have looked. I don't understand. I do everything for this guy. I cook for him, wash his clothes, clean, anything and everything he asks for I always do. It's not like I'm not offering sex, I'd love to but he always refuses me. Then when I leave he has cyber sex with random girls he finds on these websites. I am just so hurt. I want to talk to him so bad but I don't want another fight or to be ignored. I can't talk to anyone about this, I just keep it to myself and I am about ready to burst. I just pretend everythings okay. But I am paranoid. I am to a point I dont believe anything he tells me anymore. If I am not around him, I get worried that he's talking to these girls. He tells me he would never risk our relationship to talk to someone online who could very well be a 40 year old man, he says it hurts him that I don't trust him and he says he has no need for that because he's got everything he wants with me. He tells me that he honestly doesn't know what else he can do to prove that to me. But those pictures are still there. And when I tried to bring it up to him he gets offended. I can tell that he doesn't want to talk about it because he knows I am right. I just want him to admit what he did was wrong and promise me he's going to try to fix it. I am just so hurt. I can't contain myself anymore, and the only person I want to talk to about this is him, but he won't listen to it.I just don't understand why he would rather build intimacy with a stranger online, and share fantasies with them but not with me and in the meantime hurting our intimacy? He never lets me take pictures of him and us because he doesn't want me to "broadcast our relationship to the world" but yet he has no problems sending pics of himself and his body parts to strangers online? I just need some advice before I go crazy. I don't want to leave him but if this doesn't stop and he doesn't do anything to change I am going to have to. I just need to know what is the best way to confront him once and for all about this? Because everytime I've tried he got so mad and is a competely different person from the sweet guy I know him as. I don't know if I should just open up the folder and scream at him saying "what is this!?!?" or do I just calmly sit him down and get him to open up to me finally? I've tried the calmly part 2 or 3 times before but he just won't have it. Please someone, anyone... I am in desparate need of advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): Ok Well to be honest with ya i think he wants a scivvy not a gf !! you do every thing for him and yet he doesnt return the favor sexually or emotionally i mean why are you with him?? you can do alot better than somebody that treats you like that and further more cyber sex is practically cheating!! hes sending and recieving sexual images how would he like it if you were to even text another guy? I would dump his sorry ass and find myself someone else because all he is doing is knocking your confidence and making you feel worthless.
A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (6 December 2010):
 "don't understand. I do everything for this guy. I cook for him, wash his clothes, clean, anything and everything he asks for I always do. It's not like I'm not offering sex, I'd love to but he always refuses me. Then when I leave he has cyber sex with random girls he finds on these websites."
What's not to understand? This guy has it great. Why would he want anything to change? You literally do everything for him and he has to do nothing in return! Even the sex couldn't be any better for him. He gets blowjobs from you every night and when he wants to get off more he doesn't even have to take the time to please you or bother with sex; he can just go straight to the computer for eye candy and bring himself to an easy orgasm manually. I know this is not what you want to hear, but this guy is not going to change and you need to get out of this relationship. He will continue to string you along and MANIPULATE you by acting like he doesn't know there's a problem, and like he's hurt that you would suggest there is. Where is the love in your relationship? It's all on your side.
You are too close to your own situation to think rationally, but that's why you sought the advice of others, so we can give you our objective, unbiased opinions. Please listen to Jilly and get yourself out of this mess now, before you develop serious relationship hangups, if you haven't already.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (6 December 2010):
 Jilly's advice is spot on. What is he giving you? You sound like the perfect girlfriend and he gets all this without having to lift a finger until he feels like it.
It's very sad but sometimes nice people don't get their needs met in life because they're too busy pleasing other people for those other people to think of returning the favor.
You need to put yourself first and please yourself. It takes 2 to make a relationship. He's not doing his side of the bargain. Therefore he does NOT deserve your efforts. He'd rather have fantasy sex with tarts on the internet than in the flesh with a beautiful young girl? What a loser! He doesn't even realise what he has nevermind appreciate it.
Sometimes love os not enough. You need mutual values and respect. He is showing no respect for you and your needs.
If I were you I'd try one more time to talk to him and make sure he knows you are serious. If he doesn't change this will clearly show you how little he deserves you. Then you should walk. You are young and there will be many, many men out there who would love to have as much sex as you like. Don't waste your time with a guy who is so sick to choose pictures of women and his hand over a real, actual living woman. It will only destroy your self esteem the longer you stay with him. Give yourself a time limit. If he hasn't changed by them, get out. It may be hard to do but you will feel so much better once you are over him, trust me!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): I'm so sorry hun, but you cannot love this man enough to fix him :) HE has a problem that he is in denial about and he would really like you to stop bringing it up. It is like an alcoholic that calls his wife a bitch because she won't stop badgering him about his drinking.
I highly recommend you visit npsupport.net This is a chat board that has a lot of information on this exact subject. You will find a lot of answers there and other women to support you and answer your questions...you may find yourself reading for hours, the stories of others and also how the men with this problem are dealing with it. Best of luck to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): Oh what an heart-wrenching read your posting, I'm really sorry you feel so lonely and isolated with this problem, and one your boyfriend is un-willing to acknowledge as a problem.
What can I say to you..in words that are NOT going to make you feel even more at a loss, and of course I could do the sympathy ( which you have already) but the shoulder to cry on, the listening ear for you to off-load, and just tell you I'm sure it will get better, I'm sure in time, things between you will be great - the type of relationship you crave and deserve, but I CAN'T and won't, as I have seen this many times before with guys who are hooked on ' virtual sex, intimacy' and although it can be excused at 15, 16 and so on, as it's all new, but when a man is an adult, and should have grown emotionally beyond this, especially when in a relationship, unless HE admits to this, you will not be able to change this behaviour.
You sound an absolutely lovely girl, which makes is so hard to be direct, only that is the only way in the long run to protect you, and what you may find yourself getting deeper and deeper into.
You must STOP pleasing him, forgive me, but you are acting the doormat, and he will know that YOU are trying everything possible to please him when he is doing NOTHING for you, so he has NO incentive to even look at his behaviour, why would he?? I've copied this for you: " I don't understand. I do everything for this guy. I cook for him, wash his clothes, clean, anything and everything he asks for I always do. It's not like I'm not offering sex, I'd love to but he always refuses me. Then when I leave he has cyber sex with random girls he finds on these websites. I am just so hurt. I want to talk to him so bad but I don't want another fight or to be ignored. " READ all that back, and everything is about YOU doing for him, and WHY would you do any of those things for a grown man, why would any woman give a man whatever he asks for..STOP please!
You have to take a step back from this, as his behaviour is affecting your relationship, and it NOT acceptable or nice for a man of 25 or any age to be sending body parts to females he does not know, and them return it - that in itself is 'dysfunctional' even more so as he prefers to have cyber sex with strangers who could indeed be anybody.
Whilst you keep giving, he will keep taking and allow you to be his personal slave - I want you to see, you must put a HIGH personal worth on yourself, and you must have, and I say this on a regular basis, standards, boundaries you expect in a relationship, if a man breaks them, then you walk.
He does NOT have to change, he feels he has you as his real part-time housekeeper, laundry maid, cook, cleaner and offering sex for IF he wants it, and in between he has his cyber connections which means he doesn't have to do anything but what he wants, when he wants.
And personally I'm not sure why you are offering a man like this sex..why oh why? You need have a little more self-confidence, try to talk it out with him, but I'm not sure he is going to listen ever, you may have to make a decision for him..and leave him to his emotionally dysfunctional cyber relationships.
So sorry, but you really do need to STOP pleasing him.
Keep me posted.
Take care,
Jilly x
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