A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My problem is this, I love my Bf. I'm sure He loves me too. We have lots of things in common. But the saying is also true. No relationship is perfect. Thing is, he have this thing that we are totally opposite about. I am a kind of woman who belief in marriage. Marriage for me is the most important in my life. I was married before but now I'm divorced. My marriage with my husband was the most precious time in my life. I wish my husband didn’t leave me. My bf is divorced, his ex wife cheated on him with another man. Meaning to say my bf have a big trauma in marriage, plus his parents almost got into divorce too because his father cheated on his mother. And that’s my biggest problem now. It is loud and clear my bf doesn’t want this word nor idea of marriage which is loud and clear opposite to my heart. I tried to leave him because I can’t see my self getting old with him without marriage. And he said why I’m giving him up because he doesn't like to get married. He said what happen if we got married and then one day he doesn’t love me anymore, shall he stay just because we are married? He even criticizes me. Saying I just want a financial security that’s why I want to get married. From those words, I supposed to have a reason already to leave him. This is already a hurtful word from him. Thing is’ I love him really, I doesn’t Need his material things, god I have my own apartment I doesn’t rent a place. I have money every month even I don’t work. But I love him and this is really not a nice Feeling. And so I stop and stay. But then every Single day I have to deal with this feeling of sadness because of the situations. Please help me guys, I really love this man, but I have a feeling he just want to stay like this so when the time come that he doesn’t want anymore then its easy for him to leave me. I’m not young anymore, and so he is. I don’t play in any relationship, I never play in any relationship. I’m a Kind of woman who wants to settle down and this is 100% opposite to him. I am really sad about this.
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divorce, ex-wife, his ex, money Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 October 2017):
 Both off you have been married before and have been left by your other halves so why is it so important to you to get married again? Surely one failed marriage is enough to put you off? You say he doesn't want to commit to you, but you both realize that even marriage does not mean commitment forever.
I doubt you are going to change his mind, therefore if you have your heart set on marriage and a relationship is not enough the best thing you can do is leave.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 October 2017):
 Yeah, you may have lots of things in common- unluckily not those which really count. What's the use of sharing the same tastes in, say, music, food and sports, if then you have a totally different vision of how your shared future should be and which goals you should attain ?.. I have already quoted Saint Exupery several times here on DC , bear with me and I'll quote him once more : " Love is not staring into each other 's eyes . Love is looking together in the same direction ".
The thing you care about most is getting married. The thing he cares about LESS is getting married. It would seem a pretty much dead -in-the-water kind of thing, don't you think ?
OTH, at the same time, I don't disagree with Youcannotbeserious in the sense that I find a bit surprising that in this day and age you, or any other woman as for that, may consider getting married the be-all and end-all of everything , and the one and only meaningful goal in a woman's life. It's like as if you care more about being called by the title of wife than about being actually loved and cherished by your partner. When in fact there are happy couples too that for whatever reasons chose to not get married. There's life outside
of marriage too :).
Duly aknowledged that,though, your priorities are your priorities, and you have had several years of life and several experiences leading you to determine what works best for you, even if not necessarily works best for everybody. Maybe it's too difficult to try and change radically your priorities after a certain age, or, maybe, more simply, you do not want to try and change them because you are sure about what's the best for you. Either way, I do not think you should try and change them JUST yo make your partner happy, or, worse, to be able keeping him with you.
So, perhaps now it's the time for a serious reflection about what does marriage really means to you, why do you want it so desperately, if it would actually contribute to make your relation better and how, etc.
But if after thinking about all this, you still feel that you need to be married to be happy in a relationship- then alas, you and this man are just not compatible because you do not want the same thing at all.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (5 October 2017):
 "We have lots of things in common."
No you don't.
Be careful why you are in so called love. Loving the idea of having a boyfriend is one thing. Being a love with a man who wants the same future as you, is a totally different thing.
One love the sex you are giving him for free, with no commitment. No cost to him.
The other Loves you and want spend his life with you, have kids with you, a home, and all that come with marriage.
Which do you think you have? And what do you think you need to do?
If you say you do not play in relationships...Then you are getting played.
Make this your rule... No man goes between your legs, unless he is ready to fertilize your eggs.
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A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (5 October 2017):
Hallo OP!
I think you have two clear courses of actions: stay with him or leave him.
Your partner is very hurt from his past marriage and his parent's marriage, and it's not likely that he'll ever change his views about marriage. You are the only one interested in marriage, and it's very admirable. So if you stay, you'll be miserable with him knowing he doesn't wants to be with you in marriage.
If you leave him, you'll get hurt very badly, and will have a hard time to get over him. However, you'll have the chance to look for someone who also loves you and wants to marry with you.
So basically, in both options you end up suffering.
So, I give you a third option: why don't you guys talk this, seriously, in a long, deep talk about what you want in life, and how much you love each other.
If this man really loves you, suggest him that you should both go to couples therapy. You both are going to be able to fix that and any other problems you have.
Also, let him know that you aren't going to cheat him, and you don't want to marry him just for financial security.
Let him know that if after going to couples therapy, he is not able to TRUST YOU and change his views about marriage, then you are going to leave him. This is a deal breaker for you, and you should keep your word on that.
You see, marriage is very important for many people. I'm from Mexico, and for the great majority of Mexicans, marriage is very important. However, for people in many European countries, marriage is not considered that important. You live in one of those countries.
Not only does marriage brings both parties tax benefits, but there are many other advantages. Such as, if some one dies, the state doesn't takes away all of your assets.
Marriage is a way for telling someone that you really want to live a long time with that person (if not for the rest of your life) and that you truly love that person in a deep level. It's more than a legal contract. It's a spiritual and emotional contract to protect each other and to want the best for both of you.
Marriage nowadays is frowned upon, considered uncool, old fashioned, dumb, etc. Yes, I know that. I've thought that when I was younger. But the older I get, the more mature I get, the more I see all the financial, emotional, and spiritual benefits of a marriage.
Marriage can make both of you feel safer, which is a positive thing.
Yes, there are many divorces every day: 50% of all Americans will end up divorced, and the divorce rates all over the world are in the same fashion, but what that means that you have a 50% chance that you don't end up divorcing from that guy, which it's a very good thing.
You have all the right in the world to ask and for marriage, specially at your age, since the amount of uncertainty that younger people have is not there anymore.
I really hope this can help you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (4 October 2017):
 Why is marriage so important to you? You have already had first hand experience that a piece of paper (a marriage certificate) will not keep a couple together, as if by magic. It is down to the individuals in the relationship. Whether they are married is irrelevant.
Both of you have been married and divorced. These days it is not difficult to separate and get divorced, neither is there a stigma attached to it like years ago.
You have a straight choice for the immediate future: marriage or your boyfriend. If you both love each other and he makes you happy in all other ways, then (in my opinion) you would be foolish to throw all that away for the sake of a piece of paper.
You need to ask yourself honestly exactly what you are trying to achieve by getting married. You already know it does not guarantee happy-ever-after, or that you will even stay together, so why is it so important to you? Some of the happiest couples I know have been together years without feeling the need to marry. You CAN be happy without marriage.
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