A
female
age
41-50,
*utterfly33
writes:I started to date an old classmate. I will call him Mark (fake name), that I use to date in high school. We met up and started dating for almost 3mths. We both wanted a friends only deal in the beginning since we were both out of hurtful relationships. I was in no rush. Mark has been divorced for 2.5 yrs. His marriage ended because his wife cheated on him. He broke his foot and I helped him with little chores. We spent almost every weekend together. We both said we weren't ready for a relationship. We became intimate. He started talking about marriage, and having babies together. I never brought up marriage and kids, he always did. Then he took me on trips with him and his realtor looking at land for the house he wants to build. He showed me blueprints of houses, and eagerly wanted my opinion. He started discussing sharing our lives together, and he asked could I one day love him. I told him in time if things don't change. Next, I met his grandmother, and bestfriend. The relationship started turning serious. He gave me his house key. Got upset whenever I tried to give it back. We talked about everything. We cooked dinner for each other, and I let my guard down and allowed myself to go with the flow. Before he divorced he lost a set of twins due to premature birth in 2001. Lately, he started working with kids 8-9yrs old coaching soccer. During this time he started behaving strangely, and I asked what was going on with him. Since he started coaching he wasn't calling much, and we stopped spending weekends together. I only saw him once during the weekdays. I felt a difference in his attitude. He was very distant, not talking much. I asked again, what's going on..He then told me he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, and he needs space. I told him I never asked you for one. He told me how he loves me being here, and he feels selfish for asking me to stay with him knowing that his head is all screwed up. He told me he got so many emotions going on inside that he may need counseling. Next, he started crying about the lost of his kids (the twins), and working with the children made him realize that he wasn't over their death. When I tried to comfort him, he kept saying he should't cry in front of me because men don't cry, and its viewed as being weak. I asked him did he want me to leave, and he said he needs space just for the night. I was ok with the space, and wasn't ready for a serious relationship bit, but I hate being in a state of confusion. My issue is this..He refused to take back his apartment key when I tried to return it to him after he told me he didnt want a serious relationship, and not calling me for 2 weeks. I told him you only give a key to a female that you are serious about, why do i need it? He told me that I am special that is why he gave me the key, and he doesn't want it back, and if I give it back it would be for my own happiness not his. I wanted to return the key and get my things because he hasn't called me in weeks. Then, his best friend called me the same night I sent the email about returning the key, and told me that Mark was going through issues, drinking alot on the weekends, and the reason he is pulling away is because he is scared. His bestfriend said that Mark has fallen in love with me, and because of his ex-wife was scared. He told me how depressed Mark was after working with the kids. He told me not to give him back the house key and to stick with him while he goes through this. Then he told me not to tell Mark that he called. When Mark finally called me that day, he said nothing about being in love with me. He kept saying he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, but didn't want me to return his apt. key..Also, he didn't want to lose my friendship because he cared about me. He made me feel guilty for wanting to walk way. We saw each other the day after and it was like a big elephant was in the room. Then I found an earring post in his bed (that wasn't mine), and he tried to say it was his which I don't believe since I never saw him wearing earrings. After that evening, he hasn't called me in 2wks now. He knew that my mom is sick, and hasn't called to say how are you doing or anthing. I sent an email asking for his address so I can send him the key, and he didn't reply. My gut is telling me that he messing with other women, but I don't understand why he refuses to take his apartment key back from me?? Also, I can't gather the strength to go to his apt. to get the blender I love and other items..Why is he refusing to take back his apartment key if he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship with me?? Also, why is his friend calling me to defend Mark?? Feel like I'm in high school (we are both in our mid 30s)..Very confused, and hurt...
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best friend, depressed, divorce, ex-wife, grandmother, hasn't called, his ex, needs space Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2008): Be a friend and make moves to free yourself. I am going through something similar. This guy has been in my life for almost 2 years also. I have no key and he refuses to tell me where he lives...this is all due to me snooping through his myspace page a year ago. I felt neglected and left in the dark so I decided to find out the truth myself. He was very upset when he found out what I did and walked away from our friendship/love affair. I went out of my way emailing and calling trying to talk to him and apologize only to be told he didnt want the association anymore. After 2 months I decided to forget it and drop the pursuit....as soon as I did he changed his tune. He wanted to start hanging out again. Its now been a year and he still wont let me visit him at his new condo YET he claims to love me,care about me and wants us to stay close friends. He also said he didnt want a relationship either because he doesnt wanna share his life even though he does love me. I decided to be a friend and expect nothing from him. I live my life and enjoy who I am becoming and Im learnig to let him be accountable for what he said..not me. You dont owe this guy your life,,,if your in your mid 30's you should not be waiting for him to feel comfortable. If he loves you enough to share his keys then he needs to have an opportunity to be a real friend. Treat him just as you would any other BF you have. He is obviously making you very unhappy with his confusion. Adjust your mind to loving him as a friend would. nothing changes except how you see him. BE HIS PLOTONIC FRIEND!
A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (3 November 2008):
 He probably is in love with you,
but is sleeping with other women to get over you.
if that makes any sense. He got scared gettting close to you so now he's doing everything possible to get away from you. Men are weird that way.
The question should be. How do you feel about him? Do you love him? What you need to do is tell him what you want out of all this.
If you want to be with him seriously, then tell him.
If not, then it's time to cut your losses and move on.
As for the key, it's just a key. So either you throw it away, or put it a safe place...just in case you guys will get serious.
Bottom line is your relationship has passed casual.
Either you take it to the next level, be serious, have a life together or move on.
He obviously has commitment issues, and this is an obstacle that you have to deal with if you are going to be with this man. Don't wait around to see what he wants.
Take a stand and get what you want.
...............................
A
female
reader, babomi  +, writes (3 November 2008):
 give him time and support instead of clinging to this key issue, refusing to see the truth
obviously, he went through 2 very tough life situations, loss of children, loss of a marriage in the most hurting way for him, u ve to accept these things take a toll on a person, especially the loss of children, people never overcome this totally, the wave of sadness and loss can pop any time, you ve to accept that and how he deals with it, and for many men, it s by taking a step back
but about you, yes, he s confused, he would like to make THE step towards you ... he still can t right now, but he does not want to give up, so he wants you to keep the key
it s a time to be sensitive and delicate, not to go like a bulldozer to corner him with stuff like the fact that a key plays or not in a relationship, or the pretext of staying friends while you re involved into something way deeper (moving in, children, family introduction ...)
he s scared, he s torn up between his fear and his desire, he has traumatic experiences haunting him, show some sympathy and patience
(and also, why do you cling so much on the "we re just friends" alibi, while letting the situation and involvement go till there ... u re also out of a bad relationship and u don t want to get hurt, but u need to be honest with urself too and not to focus on appearances only, it seems u can t believe a guy can love you again)
as for the earring, probably means he had sex with sbd else, yes
but you re adamant you re not into a serious relationship, so you shouldn t be bothered this much, first point
second, if he has been consistently loving, caring, and affectionate with you for the time you ve been together as "friends only", i ll put this as a one night stand that is a derivative to him like alcohol
show him the open, trustful, accepting, loving part of you to ease his fears
don t push him away by accounting his deeds and words
and when a friend of a guy calls you to give you advice and u sense the guy is reliable, always listen to it, that s the best info/advice you ll ever get
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