A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been dating this guy for the past 5 weeks and although we are not officially in a relationship things have moved fairly quickly between us. I had been a dancer/stripper for the past 2 years and when I had met him I had actually left the industry and hadn’t been back for a couple of months. I am working on setting up a new business that is launching next month but I had a couple of financial issues and have been working 2 nights a week just to keep me going until my business is up and running. He has no idea about this and I didn’t tell him when we first met that I used to dance and I just feel terrible! He so far is the most amazing guy I’ve ever met and I feel like I am really betraying him and feel so guilty for lying. A guy I dated previously ended things with me when I told him I was a dancer so I feel there is no way I could ever tell him as I am scared of losing him but at the same time I also feel like a fraud and like he doesn’t really even know who I am. He is a very traditional guy who comes from a good family (as do I) and I just couldn’t see him being ok with it. I’m only planning to dance for the next month or so until I have money coming in from my business then ill never go back but am I wrong for not being 100% honest with him?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 March 2017):
 Honestly I think you need to be honest with him, if he cannot see past it then it is his fault not your own. You should be proud off who you are and what you have achieved. I can understand why you would keep it from him but their comes a point where you need to tell him the truth before he hears it from someone else.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2017): How about finding a job that is more acceptable socially if it is only for a short time till your business takes off. After that you can tell your bf of the previous works you have done including the dancing? If he doesnt accept it,then that is that. You cant change it.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (9 March 2017):
 I'm not going to judge you. We all have our means of survival. In fact, I read not too long ago an article from a high-end escort who said that her life was a very lonely one, despite having slept with well over 1,000 men and making more in a month than most men did in a year.
And that *is* making my point. If you misrepresent yourself, you will be found out, and your deception will destroy every relationship you will ever have with a guy, more than even being a dancer ever could.
Let's think this through to its logical conclusion:
The guy you were with before ended his relationship with you because he found out you were a dancer. You did the right thing by telling him, and he considered it a deal breaker.
You can't take shortcuts with this! There are far fewer guys out there who would be okay with dating a woman currently or formerly of your profession, although working as a stripper isn't quite the same shock as working as a prostitute or an escort. The real double-edged sword is - for you to even BE a dancer means you're a beautiful woman, which also means that these same guys who get all choosy with their potential steady girlfriends are your clientele, and they line up for lap dances while telling women they date that they wouldn't date a stripper. That hypocrisy burns me up, and I'm sure it does the same for you too.
But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't live with integrity. Being a stripper and being honest about it from the start *IS* integrity, and while you may shorten the prospective guy pool, the ones that are okay with it will care for you on honest terms, and you'll have no fear of some "truth" coming out and destroying what you have with a guy after getting attached to him.
My other point is this - you ran back to what you know. Again, I don't judge what you do to survive, but you are running back to a skill that will run out before you know it. You are mid to late 20's, and as you and I both know, a stripper's sexual market value starts dropping after a certain age, and depending on how you care for yourself, drugs, smoking, alcohol, and childbearing speed that "wall" up.
And - to be honest, unless you're with a guy who accepts that this is your profession (a bonus for meeting a boyfriend at the men's club you work at - he knows you do it to pay the bills), there are things you can do when you're single, and things that you can't.
It is not too late to learn a new skill, or a new trade. You're opening a business! Your body isn't your only asset, though I envy people like you, as I think I'd give myself a concussion trying to use a pole, and I'm not making fun of you!! You dancers are athletic, graceful, and amazing at making people happy! You need to think beyond your past, and consider building up a skill that will take you past the "wall" and earn you money without being something you feel badly about doing when you have a boyfriend.
So, decisions decisions. Either come clean and tell the guy and let him decide, or end things now before people get really hurt. Deception is BAD. What if you really get attached to him, and 2 years later, you marry and have a couple of kids, and then you're outted? That's much worse and completely avoidable.
One thing you have NOT thought of, at least it didn't sound like you did, is - as a business owner, what if your clients recognize you? What if you do so well, you get featured in a small business magazine, and then someone recognizes you from that?? Think it won't happen? Become a success story, and you'll be interviewed before you know it, asking to offer advice on employment to other things.
You're from the UK. Are there resources like small business grants to women or minorities there??? There are here in the States, which I know firsthand exist. Many states, towns, municipalities and such consider this money to be an investment in the economy, and they're right. If you get really successful, you'll generate a lot of tax revenue for the nation and locally.
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A
male
reader, Phil052 +, writes (9 March 2017):
 Hi there. I think your past (and to a certain extent present) is bound to catch up with you at some point, so I would advise that you sit him down and explain to him what you do, why you do it and what your plans are for the future. Give him the full story. He will probably either accept it, not accept it, or accept it subject to you giving up the stripping. I understand it is a difficult situation but I think in this case honesty is the best policy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2017): Well, how would you prefer he found out? How long do you think you can keep something like that a secret?
You wouldn't want to be recognized by a patron in public; who just might call you out and expose you. You know as a performer in that industry; men are not always on their best behavior. That's why bouncers and security are required. Your money depends on their satisfaction, and they are allowed to be boisterous and crass.
How tolerant are you of things being kept from you that could affect your opinion of who you're dating? You have your own standards and deal-breakers. No one should be denied the truth, either way.
Trust and honesty are the most important things in a relationship. In this case, you must tell him. I disagree with waiting until you see where it's going. That's selfish and unfair. You're a grown-woman and don't need his approval. It is what it is.
You've been seeing the guy for a month now. It's odd that the question has never come-up regarding what you do for a living, or where your money comes from. When you date someone, it's important to know how the rent and the bills get paid. You wouldn't want to get entangled with a drug-dealer or career criminal.
He will eventually want to introduce you to his friends and family. It would be tragic if you were recognized by one of his buddies; or a random male member of his family who may have been one of your patrons. It's the guy-code to warn your mates and bros. If they knew you hid it from him, it would make the worst impression of the kind of person you are.
Lying by omission, or hiding the truth, is an indication you are ashamed of what you do. Are you ashamed? You know the general opinion of your profession; so you should be prepared for any reaction by someone you're dating. He should be open-minded, self-confident, and very liberal in his thinking.
If you're misleading him to believe you're the girl next-door, you're being deceptive. You don't want to do that, because he may be attaching his feelings to that kind of girl. You hate to discover that someone you're very fond of is a liar.
Compatibility is based on the true identity and personality of the person you have chosen as your mate. That encompasses their core values, and trustworthiness. His anger and disappointment would be justified; because you were not upfront with him.
If he does judge you harshly as the other guy did; then the truth is one-step ahead in guarding your feelings. You can move on. Even if he accepts what you do, and things go on as hoped; you'll still have to face his family and friends. Now that's whom you should avoid over-sharing your business! If he already knows, he can run spin-control on the situation.
You need him to accept you and your past; or he should be on his way. Don't catch feelings and continue lying to hold-on to him. That could have disastrous results, and would cause such a bad break-up.
You know that you can't continue to use dancing as a fallback plan while you're dating him! I don't think that will go over well at all. Keeping it secret will make it harder on you the longer you withhold the truth. You don't want to hurt him; or yourself.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (9 March 2017):
 I am torn on this one. On the one hand your past is YOUR past and it is up to you how much of it you choose to share. On the other hand, if you don't tell him and it comes out years down the line (assuming your relationship turns into something long term), it will appear far worse and he will feel betrayed.
I would perhaps hold off mentioning it for the time being and see how the relationship progresses. Not making a decision for the time being is ok.
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