A
male
age
30-35,
*mm5184
writes:The question i'm posing is whether or not i should leave my girlfriend of almost 5 years.I know that herpes can lay dormant for a long period of time, and i know there is a POSSIBILITY that either of us could have had herpes with no symptoms for the entirety of our relationship.The thing is that about 2 months ago my girlfriend told me that the spark was gone in our relationship. I dont feel that way, those are her words. About the same time she started a new job as well. Now, im not a jealous or suspicious type. But, recently i have been feeling suspicious of a few things that have caught my attention. She seems to be going off all day to other towns on her days off, increasingly distant, and day drinking with her new male coworkers, frequent conversation with specific male over social media etc. So ive noticed the red flags but it hasnt been a huge deal for me. 2 weeks ago she came down with symptoms and right before that happened we had unprotected sex. Today we received her swab test, and she is positive for herpes. We havent had sex since and i am making an appointment to get an igg test. Im being really hopeful that there is a slight chance that i am not infected and am really holding on to that hope. I am seriously considering leaving her if i am not infected as all of my recent suspicions topped off with the test results add up to one conclusion in my mind. Although, im aware that results of the igg will be more accurate 3+ months from now. Thats ok, i can be patient before making a decision.So, are there percentages on how many people show symptoms following exposure?Are there percentages on how many people show symptoms years after exposure? How can one determine if exposure was recent or not? I want to compile as many facts as possible to weigh the possibility of her infidelity given the recent activity of our relationship. Thank you for any info and understanding.
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co-worker, herpes, infidelity, jealous, period, spark, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2017): I agree, she probably cheated recently and got infected that way. No way to know for sure but it seems like the smart guess.
I suggest you bail out now.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2017): I think she may have cheated on you as the relationship was fading and this could be a good time to bail out, especially as you are both young and childless.
It sounds as if you have been inevitably drifting apart !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2017): If it was an initial outbreak then yes she has cheated on you. I had my first outbreak 48 hours after exposure
If she's had an outbreak before (could have been years beforehand) then no its been laying dormant.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2017): I believe that USUALLY signs and symptoms present within a couple of weeks to a couple of months. It would be very rare indeed for the symptoms to arise suddenly if she had never had them before. Again, not saying it COULDN"T happen, but my impression is it is very very uncommon. Usually the dormancy thing happens after the person DOES experience an initial outbreak, THEN it goes dormant. If this was the first outbreak....well sorry to say but most likely she got it recently. So I think in all likelihood she cheated. Especially given the additional details you provide.
I think you should have a talk with her...I think you need to confront her bigtime about the cheating...what she did was very unfair to you.
I do not think you should stay.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2017): TBH I am also astonished at the ladies accusing the poster of wrong doing although clearly he wants to preserve the affair despite all the misfortunes. I think she has already made it clear that the affair is dead as far as she is concerned and she has move forward. My advice is accept the fact that the affair has run its course and concentrate on the health issue which she has brought on you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 March 2017):
 Talk to your doctor if you want ALL the medical facts. None of us can determine IF this infection happened recently or not.
And IF you too are positive, talk about HOW you best can manage it moving forward. And BE honest with future partners.
It sounds like your relationship has been dead in the water for a while (at least from your GF's standpoint) YET she did nothing to work on those issues, she instead chose to be apart from you and socialize with other people. THAT rarely fixes anything. And you? YOU stuck your head in the sand because you didn't want the relationship to end. You were OK with status quo. You also did NOTHING to figure out what SHE might need from you to rekindle or rework the relationship. Except NOW an STD had been tossed in the ring as well.
I have to say STD or no STD - your relationship is NOT doing so good and it hasn't for a while. IGNORING red flags doesn't make them go away. Pretending it's a "phase" doesn't make them go away. YOU two need to have a serious talk.
IF you think she has cheated on you and you can't trust her, then WHY stick it out? Staying with a partner because you have been together for X years is not a good enough reason.
I myself went for a check up recently and found that I have anemia and vitamin D/B/Iron deficiency - and they actually tested me for hepatitis which quite frankly freaked me out. I have HAD several STD/STI checks done BEFORE I got married and with EACH pregnancy (I have 3 kids) so it seemed absolutely weird that I could have something like hepatitis - though you can get that in non-sexual ways too. Still... Not fun to hear THAT from your doctor. Thankfully, though, I do NOT have it. And I did NOT consider that IF I did, my husband MUST have cheated. Because I trust him. Trust him with my life.
If you can't say that or feel that. Then WHY be with her? Why drag it out?
We can't give you the numbers and statistics you want. And even if we could they wouldn't change the facts as they are. And that is, SHE has Herpes and your relationship is dead or dying.
I can TOTALLY see why you think she could have cheated. It does sound ODD that something dormant shows up the MINUTE she starts changing her behavior and avoiding you. I don't know if stress is a factor for dormant things to become active. It wouldn't surprise me if that is true. So there IS a possibility that stress NOT cheating did it? Again I'm no expert, you should have that conversation with a doctor. And BE frank with your doctor. Not about her activities but with the questions you want to be answered.
Don't stay with her because you think you have to. If she isn't happy (cheating or not) the relationship is over. And if YOU have all these doubt to her fidelity... the relationship is over.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2017): Ladies- why is that you have all basically said it is OP's fault? What evidence is there of that, other than your assumptions?My advice- the herpes thing, in the world of what's fair and what isn't, you can't accuse her of catching it through cheating and then passing it onto you. Yes, events fall into place to make a great coincidence but that's how our minds work. You could have had it and gave it to her.But, that doesn't mean she hasn't cheated. She is being unfair to you if she's putting you second best. Her telling you the spark has gone was the begining, it sounds to me like she's already looking- if she hasn't done anything.You need the talk. Buckle up my friend, coz it sounds to me like it's only going to end up one way: the end of the relationship. But you can't stay in limbo, especially when it sounds like she's already began the process of moving on. Do it today.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 March 2017):
 Forgive me for pointing out the obvious, but whether you have herpes or not ir irrelevant for whether to stay in the relationship or not!
If you want out, then leave. If you are only going to stay with her if you also have gotten herpes, then that shows an incredibly low character trait of yours that indicates you will only stay with her so you can continue to have unprotected sex with her. Because why else would it matter whether you have herpes also?
You should leave this relationship, because she deserves better than someone who want to use her only for sex, and you deserve to be in a relationship where there is trust and respect. Right now the trust appears to have gone out the window, and whether or not she has actually cheated with having sex with someone else, she's still carrying on with her new male colleagues and chatting often and apparently it's behind your back (because you don't mention having been introduced or meeting these men/this particular man).
It's been 5 years. By now you know pretty much all there is for you to know about your girlfriend. If you don't think she's being faithful, then follow your gut instinct and leave. Also consider that maybe the relationship has just run its course and you are both over one another. She said the spark is gone, so appears she's already got one foot out the door.
This doesn't have to be a bad thing, though! People always portray break-ups as such bad things, but they are, in fact, neutral. They can be good things also. In this case, breaking up will be a good thing for the both of you, as she's lost the spark and you have lost the trust. There is no point in staying just because of staying. You can be very happy single, and being single will give you a chance to meet someone new.
Also, herpes is NOT a death sentence to your sex life. Use condoms, and make new partners aware of the STI (if it turns out you have it). This is a very common and harmless STI. Chances are high that a new partner will NOT have a problem with it, that your sex life will continue to be great and amazing, and who knows. Your next sexual partner might also have it, so you can carry on having unprotected sex. Or, she might not care, if you are in a committed relationship. So, while I understand it sounds scary to you right now, it is NOT that horrible. You will get over the initial shock and then realize life carries on like normal.
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A
female
reader, unknownmoonlight +, writes (9 March 2017):
I personally think that you shouldn't BAIL on her. That would be wrong because finding out that she has herpes is not only hard on you, but a lot for her. You don't want to make her feel any worse if you get what I mean. What you can do is just be there for support, but kind of separate yourself from her, don't completely do it, just don't be around her as much as you used to be. Fill yourself up with activities and things to do so your jam packed and barely have any time for her. Eventually, you guys will naturally be put in the friend zone if that's what you want. It sounds really horrible and mean to do, but there is no easy way to deal with your situation. This actually might be the easiest way. I hope all goes well! -unknownmoonlight
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (9 March 2017):
 I think figures such as these are best coming from your doctor or someone who knows what they are talking about. Also, basing whether you stay in a relationship or not on figures and percentage possibilities is . . . well, a bit unusual.
When taken as a whole, it does look a bit suspicious. HOWEVER, please remember that EITHER ONE OF YOU could have had this virus for a long time without symptoms. It COULD have started with YOU and just be freakish timing that it has come out now. Even if you are clear, your girlfriend could have been infected a long time ago.
When your girlfriend told you the spark had gone from your relationship, how did you react? Did you listen and acknowledge that something needed to be done? Relationships don't just look after themselves. She was giving you warning that your relationship was in danger of stalling. If you did nothing about it, then it is little wonder she is looking for excitement with her new friends/colleagues (although cheating should never be an option).
You need to sit down and talk with your girlfriend. Does she even want to stay in the relationship? All these calculations going through your head may come to nothing if SHE decides she wants out.
TALK. Ask questions. Listen and acknowledge it takes TWO to make a relationship work.
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