A
female
age
30-35,
*ottongin
writes:My boyfriend is in the hospital for the second time in 5 months. He had to have heart surgery for the second time, and is going through another 6 weeks of IV antibiotics for the second time. He's been in the hospital basically since October with a month and a half of time outside. The second time he was admitted, he was supposed to go back home to PA the next day (he has lived out here with me for a year, but needed to go home and see his friends and family after being sick). So i think he kind of resents me for taking him to the hospital. But he had endocarditis for the second time and he would have died if left untreated or if it had gone unnoticed. But the problem is he didn't care to be alive so.... Anyway, lately I've just been devoting everything to him (actually I always do that) and i spend all day and all night at the hospital and he is just always in a bad mood and treats me like shit. He used to be so nice to me and i'm really getting pissed off with this new attitude. I just attribute it to being stuck in the hospital, it would make anyone upset, and who wants to be left alone. But I sometimes just want to leave him and not have to deal with it! but I'm trying to wait until he gets out of here and goes back to PA and maybe that will help him get back to normal and we could potentially get back together either there or back here in CA or in some other state even. I just miss the way he used to be before he was sick, and I just can't stand being treated like shit in this stressful time. My dog died yesterday and he didn't even say i'm sorry or hug me he just demanded that i come stay with him here. He has never owned pets though, so it's not his fault. But my parents and cousins are telling me to leave him becuase doesn't appreciate me, but I don't think that that's a good representation of what he's normally like. But i don't know. I'm so confused as to what to do. I want to wait until he goes to PA, but part of me cant' take it anymore. and he doesn't want to talk about it he just puts me down and tells me i have no college degreess and am not allowed to talk about stuff. Now that is asshole-y. I'm just so lost and confused.
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female
reader, cottongin +, writes (16 March 2012):
cottongin is verified as being by the original poster of the question *couples therapy. Idk why it wrote coinciding. Autocorrect is weird.
A
female
reader, cottongin +, writes (16 March 2012):
cottongin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGuys-- I should have mentioned he has been seeing psychiatrists since his mid 20s and has intensively been trying medications this time round in the hospital. He's on two right now with no side effects but no positive effects yet either. I take meds myself and continue to see my therapist/psychiatrist. I think we should eventually go to like couples coinciding. A big part of how he sometimes treats me is because I'm a decade younger than him. Which he also knows most of the time it has nothing to do with tht but he is just trying to be mean
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (16 March 2012):
You mention he's grown indifferent towards life, does not care for it. This is very alarming and probably the reason why he behaves the way he does. Because when life itself loses it's appeal, everything becomes trivial and unimportant. This could explain why he cuts you off and doesn't try to comfort you when your dog just died. People who are experiencing feelings like this are often listless, bored and get annoyed easily. They may also try to distance themselves from you in hopes that if their life ends the impact won't be so big.
So with that in mind I really think it's important to talk to someone about his mental health and ask what can be done. Also inform his family. Like the anon reader below, I would recommend therapy for you both (separately), but I know that isn't always an option, especially if he does not agree with it. But it can be beneficial when it comes to sorting out your thoughts and have a pair of fresh eyes look at the situation. This is a lot to take on as a gf and when it's such a thankless job it makes it so much harder.
Do not accept his bad moods, and don't back down all the time. Pick your battles, as they say. Talk to him, ask why he's being this way and if he's being difficult, don't be afraid to leave for a while. He needs to learn to respect you, indifference to life or no.
Good luck OP and please keep us updated.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (16 March 2012):
You mention he's grown indifferent towards life, does not care for it. This is very alarming and probably the reason why he behaves the way he does. Because when life itself loses it's appeal, everything becomes trivial and unimportant. This could explain why he cuts you off and doesn't try to comfort you when your dog just died. People who are experiencing feelings like this are often listless, bored and get annoyed easily. They may also try to distance themselves from you in hopes that if their life ends the impact won't be so big.
So with that in mind I really think it's important to talk to someone about his mental health and ask what can be done. Also inform his family. Like the anon reader below, I would recommend therapy for you both (separately), but I know that isn't always an option, especially if he does not agree with it. But it can be beneficial when it comes to sorting out your thoughts and have a pair of fresh eyes look at the situation. This is a lot to take on as a gf and when it's such a thankless job it makes it so much harder.
Do not accept his bad moods, and don't back down all the time. Pick your battles, as they say. Talk to him, ask why he's being this way and if he's being difficult, don't be afraid to leave for a while. He needs to learn to respect you, indifference to life or no.
Good luck OP and please keep us updated.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): I think you both should consider talking to a Therapist. When people are hospitalized though major and serious conditions they can undergo different personality shifts; (From stress and/or medication) And people tend to not re-act similarly. Considering that you both are most likely stressed, you should consider the idea that both of you are not of sound mind and do your best to stop and consider the whole situation.
I don't think I should tell you to stay or leave the relationship. I don't have the whole picture, and I don't think others do as well, its a decision for you to make. However, I think being able to talk to a professional about it in full detail so that you can have a better understanding of your own self and your own heart.
As for your boyfriend, I highly think he should also consider seeing someone. Your boyfriend could very well appreciate you but not understand how to show it. The idea that he doesn't even want to live anymore throws up a giant red flag that he is not of sound mind. Consider talking to his physician as well to get advice from them on how he should handle his situation.
This is a lot for a girlfriend to take on, they don't get many legal rights although some with the dedication you've shown should, but if what you care about more is the person wither your relationship survives or not then you should pursue this. (As similar situations may occur in the future) I realize some people are embarrassed by the thought of going to a therapist, or hate the idea of a person calling them "crazy" (Which is not going to happen, that's just a fantasy idea of therapy) but sometimes we need help from an outside person to tell us and observe us to help us identify what really maybe wrong.
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