A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidI have been seeing a man for over 12 months. I am always the one asking when he would like to catch up, inviting him over etc and he tells me that he loves me, wants a family with me, wants to move in together later down the track etc, but right now is still in financial negotiation with his ex wife (they were separated when we met). Although he calls me his girlfriend, I haven't met his 'people' yet because he still hasn't told the ex wife that he is seeing someone else. I know for a fact that they are separated and getting a divorce (my friend works with his ex wife) but I'm am getting tired of never being able to hold his hand in public (in case someone sees and tells her) or being invited to his home and his family. If I ask him to see him more than twice a week he says he gets stressed because I am pressuring him, that he loves me but 'please don't worry, I love you, I would love to be with you all the time but right now I need to finish sorting out this settlement'. He says he doesn't want to hurt her and if she found out that he was already seeing someone she would be hurt. I DID back off at the start and not see him for 5 months, but waited for him, hoping it would be all over with, but things are back to how they were at the start. A friend suggested I started dating others, as effectively he's treating me like a 'date', not a girlfriend. OH and yes, I adore this guy and would love to spend more time with him. What do you think? Thank you for reading this.
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divorce, ex-wife, his ex, I love you Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2010): I know exactly how you feel. My boyfriend is divorced but his ex always inserts herself into everything. He has family coming in for the holidays yet he did not ask me if I would like to meet them. So I'm home alone while he is out with his ex wife, kids and family. He expects me to understand this. I know she is upset because they are divorce but how long am I suppose to deal with her and her issues. It is really not fair. They have two children together and she wont allow him to come get them. He has to come over to her house to visit his kids. I can not stand this woman!
A
female
reader, disappointedwoman1  +, writes (23 February 2009):
There is some validity to putting off a serious relationship if he is in divorce negotiations...however, it does raise some suspicions. Did he and his wife get divorced because of infidelity on either part? Until you are legally divorced, you are still legally married. I'm divorcing a pig of a man who cheated on me with prostitutes, however, I'm not going to go out on a date of any kind until after we are officially divorced. I've been asked and refused time and time again. That said, he has to realize you won't wait around forever and that if this drags on forever, he risks losing you. If he really likes you, he will understand if you tell him that you don't want to be the backstreet date...you will wait to see him until after his divorce is final if you happen to still be single by then...and if you are still interested. Let him know that you aren't going to wait by the phone until he gives you a call. If you don't do it exactly that way, you will lose his respect.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008): Will someone please send this to my exhusbands mistress!! She doesn't want to listen to me. Okay, I guess technically she's his girfriend now because we're divorced but she earned her title, I think she should continue to use it. I was wife #2 but I didn't start out as a mistress. He married me because he thought I was the exact opposite of his first wife (I have a career so I would value the hours he put in, she was a stay-at-home and complained he didn't help with their kids enough; I want to live in a nice house, she's content living in a trailer; I'm willing to move around, she didn't want to leave their hometown) but little did he know how much alike we really were. When the kids came my career didn't end so I took on 2 full time jobs and yes I wanted him to help. I wanted a nice home but we could never get it because he kept spending the money friviously. I'm willing to move around so long as I'm part of the discussion. First move I took it in stride and followed. The second time he took a job offer in another state before even telling me about it, I didn't follow. Unless she's willing to subcumb to his every wish, good luck!A female reader, TaylorChu +, writes (8 July 2007):Honey, you are the other woman AND seeing another woman's husband. Does that have no effect on you? Do you know why they are getting a divorce? Do you think he will change completely for you after that final divorce paper is signed? Takes two to fight. And even if you two did get together the ex-wife wont be out the picture. He will have to spend time with his kids. You will be compared with the first wife too. You are better than this. You are hoping for something to fail in another woman's life so you can get what you want. I say go see other men. Don't come back to this guy. The rest of his life is going to be affected by this divorce. You will be the step mom and so on. He will expect you to be totally different from his wife, and let's face it, women are women. There going to be similar tendencies. If he doesnt find nirvana in you then he is going to skip you and go to someone less. This is nto worth your time and your sanity. Get a man with no attachments. It will save you years of headaches.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2008): I am in the same shoes you are in except that we're supposedly "engaged" while his divorce is still on the way..yeah. We live in separate countries; he and his wife are separated, going thru a bitter divorce because he puts the dough on the table and she doesn't work @ all. She wants everything he has...retirement benefits, spouse alimony for life, health & life insurance...you name it, she wants it. The bad thing is, they live in the same state. They don't have any children except she has a teenage daughter who's a mother already. 99% of the time we communicate is on the telephone 24/7. When we are together in a different state, there is that cuddling & free holding of hands; whereas, in his home state, there's nothing of that kind. I've only met one of his siblings, been to his church after much debate BUT I'm shunned from the rest of his world. He takes my son and I to places that only a few people recognize him and us. I figured he was avoiding everyone who knows him. His wife does know all about it; he's moved out of the house that he is paying for BUT the question is, when are we going to be together??
I did give him an ultimatium which made him really upset. I'm sticking to it whether he likes/knows it or not. My life can't wait for him to come around...engaged or not, i gotta move on. I suggest you do the same thing. That is the road I am taking by the end of this year if he doesn't come around and he knows it too...it's hurts to the core but, I have to do it for the sake of my son.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): I was in a similar situation only that the now ex-wife knew about me. The divorce was very hard on me and drug out long by his ex-wife. During that time I was sometimes not sure if he really meant it honestly with me. He lived in another State and I did not meet anyone belonging to his life in 1.5 years until he finalized his divorce and reached a somewhat reasonable settlement. The lawyers told him not to take me to any event of his social life since he could pay a lot of money if he does so (courts in the south may even order permament! alimony for a lazy ex-wife who complains about being embarrassed by the appearance of the mistress in public). I have to admit that in that time I did see other people although now I very much regret it. The day he got divorced he flew in to see me and asked me to marry him. Four months later we had our wedding in my native country and a great honeymoon. I could not be happier with this man. Our relationship has been great from the very beginning. I just did not believe in it which I now blame on my insecurities. Good luck to you
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2007): Hi- I unfortunaely am, or was, in the sam situation as yourself. I started seeing my guy right after him and his wife split-almost 2 years ago. Still no one in his world knows, well knew about me. He said the same thing to me- he doesnt want her and anyone to know because it would make things more difficult than they need to be. There is no legal seperation compelted and obviosuly no divorce finalzed. From my understanding they have been sitting on the paperwork. He moved out of state soon after he left, so along with the secret relationship- we also had to deal with long distance. About a week ago we split. We also argued about anything and everything.. basically I wasnt perfect enough for him, and he didnt have time to focus his energy on me. He said he was always stressed from work and missing his kids - ect. Things just went down hill. When he visited last- we went on a 'date', it was a nice date, spent the night together and the next day he left to see his kids( as planned) I asked about seeing him before he leaves and he basically said he couldnt. We had plans to see each this weekend - flight booked and all - and he didnt want me to come see him -no reason, no explaination- oh and the last few months we only 'talked' via text messaging- make things less stressful for us- he said. My thought is that he found someone else in the new state that hes living in. Anyways long story short - dont chase him. Let him go and let him work through his problems-issues. They have nothing to do with you, he is the one with the problems and only he can fix them-work through them. There really is nothing you can do. Im having a hard time understanding it yself - but trust me its true. Once he has moved on from the divorce and has had a chance to move forward- then see what happens. IF you two are meant to be- then you will be. Im sorry you have to go through this- but you do deserve someone better-someone who will show you off to everyone they know and be proud :) NO more secret get aways where noone will know you, no more having to go to family functions, weddings, concerts alone because of who might be there or who might see you. Live life- you only live it once here.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2007): Hi, I posted this question...and thank you for your answer. I asked him about the reason he gave me, and he said he didn't want to hurt his wife in case she became nasty with the settlement and wanted to drag it through court.
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A
female
reader, TaylorChu +, writes (8 July 2007):
 Honey, you are the other woman AND seeing another woman's husband. Does that have no effect on you? Do you know why they are getting a divorce? Do you think he will change completely for you after that final divorce paper is signed? Takes two to fight. And even if you two did get together the ex-wife wont be out the picture. He will have to spend time with his kids. You will be compared with the first wife too. You are better than this. You are hoping for something to fail in another woman's life so you can get what you want. I say go see other men. Don't come back to this guy. The rest of his life is going to be affected by this divorce. You will be the step mom and so on. He will expect you to be totally different from his wife, and let's face it, women are women. There going to be similar tendencies. If he doesnt find nirvana in you then he is going to skip you and go to someone less. This is nto worth your time and your sanity. Get a man with no attachments. It will save you years of headaches.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (8 July 2007):
 I would understand his behavior if it were motivated by financial matters only, or if he were afraid his wife would prevent him from seeing his kids (if he has any), or something of that sort.
I don't understand his behavior for the reason he gave: that he doesn't want to hurt his wife. His wife has been more than hurt with the divorce process itself. I don't think that a woman would assume he is not seeing anyone else.
I agree that he's treating you more like a "date". The point is whether it is "justified".
It seems a bad sign that it is never he who is saying he will marry you. If I assume he loves you as he says he does, I would assume he would find the wait as hurtful as you do.
I'm afraid I can't give you a conclusive hint. But, this much I can say: Your waiting period needs to end sometime. Only you can tell how long is enough.
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