A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband has recently divorced me very much against my will. He told me it was because I was controlling. I never asked him where he was or what he was doing , what time he would be home or anything. I felt I was only controlling in the fact that I would always choose where to go on holiday as I was the one who paid. Could you please tell me what your definition of controlling is especially any men out there. Many thanks,
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female
reader, SOLVEIG29 +, writes (16 August 2008):
Hmm, just reading the last two replies after mine. Is it because this lady's post is short and tight - as in not giving too much away? Whereas a genuine post is longer, less well structured etc. The structure of the post itself is controlled?
Well Original Poster - please respond to our replies and give us a little more detail. Be honest - like I said, communication between human beings is very important! We learn and grow together that way :-)
Jenny xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2008): I am very aware we have only heard one side of the story, your only human and you have only told us the good bits. You only decide where to go on holiday, well you deserve a medal, because he must have been controlling you. Men and women are different, there is always a power struggle going on. Women cry and weep, we manipulate and sometimes get violent. Men stonewall, ignore, use logic and sometimes charm and seduction to get their way. Your looking for reassurance, and you've been given that. But me and you both know you did more than just organizing the holiday plans. Divorces in the UK are granted for "unreconcible differences" and if it was about holiday arrangements you and your husband would be laughed out of court. Be honest with yourself, then be honest with us. We can stop this massaging of ego and go on to the real stuff that will give you happiness, virtue and purpose in life. Yes your controlling, because you've lied to us, and controlled the responses you get, you need reassurance constantly to make you feel good, but your husband dumped you because you are good at controlling how people react to you. Your husband is bad, and your are the good wife, who has been sadly neglected.. BULLSHIT.. Your trying to pull the wool over our eyes.. If you have guts, update and tell us more, I'd love to know the truth about what is going on.
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A
female
reader, SOLVEIG29 +, writes (16 August 2008):
Nope you weren't controlling at all methinks. Maybe the holiday could have been joint decision but as others have said this can't be the sole reason. I think what he may have wanted to say was that you won't be controlled! Did he ever behave controllingly towards you? It might be a projection y'see. Some men can't cope with an independent woman. Even a woman who is easygoing as you and I have been can be resented because we don't 'need' them. The very fact that we are not controlling - ie we do not throw fits of jealous rage and demand o know their every move - can make inadequate men feel insecure. This is because in my view a truly controlling person is actually easier to control because they are insecure. It gives the other person a sense of power and then they know how to press buttons and continue the dynamic. Sounds like he could be the one wanting to control you but you're too healthy and easygoing to have started checking his pockets and calling him at work every hour!A man who doesn't want his opinion criticised is a controlling man in my book, my ex said exactly the same to me - he asked me why i don't just stop talking/asking questions when he gives an opinion.I told him the following; A healthy person knows that giving opinions carry the risk of criticism - indeed that is how human society progresses; the sharing of opinions and the development of a consensus from that pool of opinions. Some opinions are criticised and subsequently discarded, others may be criticised but in the end kept because the social group decides they are valid. There would be no human sociery/intellectual identity as separate from animals if we were not allowed to criticise (challenge) the opinions and statements of others! Thus, i said to my ex - QUIT CENSORING ME, GET YOURSELF A FASTER BRAIN AND LEARN TO KEEP UP WITH ME!!Never let a man censor you, never let anybody censor you. We human beings can only grow to understand each other through endless communication, as much as we can do. In my view, open and respectful communication is the key to human relationships and the key to our future as a species. Jenny xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2008): Quite honestly I think this 'controlling' word is an excuse on his part - sounds a bit convenient like something he could hang his hat on without having to say anything else. You don't sound the least bit controlling. Its odd because I was like you never questioned my husband and let him come and go as he pleased - yet I was often told I was the one that 'wore the trousers' in the house (usually by his family). I never worked it out but to be honest there was plenty else wrong in the marriage so i gave up trying to justify myself. Best advice as per the other post - don't beat yourself up. Channel your energy into the future and what YOU want out of it.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (16 August 2008):
 I'd have to say mainly no. As far as the holidays are concerned, did it matter who paid? As a team, going on holiday should have been a joint decision as well. Not being so can seem to be controlling.
On a larger view, imagine a stay at home partner. They have no income, only take care care of the home. The partner with the money chooses the car they drive, cloths they wear, home they live in, without respecting input from the non-income earning partner. Does that seem controlling? He may have had someplace he wanted to go on vacation and share with you. Not being able to do so can create a negative feeling about taking vacations, since he has no say in it.
This is something that could have been worked on. I don't see a bit of control being the sole reason someone gets divorced.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2008): Other than the things you mention you didn't do, having your day/week/month planned out for you without being consultation.
Being the helpful chappie that I am, I do the following without being asked, but - being *told* to set the table/load the dishwasher/wash up/dry the dishes/empty the dishwasher/put the stuff away after dinner/go round the house with the vacuum cleaner/clean out the bath/shower/sink after use, rather than being asked. I'm clutching at straws a bit here!
Maybe 'controlling' was a catch-all word that he chose to use instead of going into great detail of all the other stuff that was bothering him, but I'd hardly think that being controlling by my definitions would be grounds for divorce. The only person who can give you the proper answer that you're looking for is your ex.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (16 August 2008):
 You definatly weren't controlling. Controlling to me would have to have a far wider scope. I guess it would be nice for a holiday to be a joint thing but to say it makes you controlling is absurd.
Being controlling wouldn't even involve asking after what I was doing; it would involve something like this;
'stop smoking or i wont go out with you tonight'
that is an example of controlling behaviour because you are forcing me to do something against my will and effectively blackmailing me into doing it by saying you wont go out.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but there is definatly more to this than your husband is saying. I smell a rat. Dont beat yourself up, this wasnt your fault :)
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