A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Can someone please tell me if I did the right thing? I would love responses from both sexes!I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years, it was very on again, off again, mainly because of his verbal abuse. I would forgive him and go back to him, but this time I had enough and really started to see him not such the Mr. Nice Guy that he was portraying himself to be to everyone.He is begging me to take him back and saying he is really sorry for saying stuff and apologises over and over again, but his apologies seem really shallow to me, because he won't provide me with explanations for why he was horrible. For example, he criticised my body, how I did the washing up, the fact that I did not do his laundry one day (I was busy with work), how I unpacked the shopping. When I ask him to explain specific incidents, he has in the past said he was joking/I am taking him the wrong way/it's my fault for being in a bad mood/I am over-sensitive. It seems like it is never his fault.So I gave him an ultimatum and said if you cannot explain at least one of those incidents and I named the one which I found the most hurtful and tell me why you did it, it is over. He just kept apologising and asking that I forget it and can we please start over. But I have reached my point of no return.Now he has sent me abusive texts calling me a slut, whore, liar, user and he hates me etc. I realise he is doing this because he is angry and upset he has lost me, but he used to do it when he was unhappy about something and rant and rave and I was always a "slut". Now it just feels like he is adding more fuel to the fire and if he wanted to work it out ever again, his latest abuse has really put me off.There is still the little voice inside me though wondering did I do the right thing. Has anyone else been through this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2015): I meant to say to Honeypie that it is ironic that he is insulting me AGAIN after that being the issue that I wanted to resolve!! Somehow it got missed out of my reply.
And I see another couple of helpful answers, thank you to you too!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2015): Thank you so much to people who replied to me. I appreciate it a lot. Ciar I never looked at it like that before, the idea of the child with the crayons drawing on the wall. He couldn't give me an answer because the only answer is he is not a good person and he wanted to hurt me and/or take out a bad mood on me. Either way, not acceptable.. it never was, I just made excuses for it before because I wanted it to work so badly, and I forgave him saying some really nasty stuff to me, which a lot of women never would have done. But I reckon he saw how forgiving I am and he played on that and now he's getting a really big shock.
Thank you Honeypie. I have decided to change my phone number. He hasn't texted in a couple of days now and I didn't respond to any of his other horrible messages, although my Mum was furious when I told her and was telling me all sorts of stuff to text him back, but I explained to her that I was done with it finally and arguing with him is pointless, somehow I think it's what he wants as well. His usual modus operandi is to wait for a week or two and then he will start again, but if he does, he will find I am no longer contactable He WANTS to hurt me, he wants to know I am stinging hurting from his words and from my decision and even though it might feel hard now, I know I don't deserve to be spoken to like I am poop on his shoe. His words used to really hurt and make me cry but now they just show me what a nasty little man he really is. I have done nothing wrong.
And yes Honeypie you are also right that it is soooooo ironic that when I tried to openly and gently discuss why he was verbally abusing me and I did basically state that if he couldn't discuss this with me like a mature adult, that I could no longer be his girlfriend, instead of stepping up and being a man and explaining himself, I got more empty apologies, please forgive me and come back to me and I promise we will talk about it another time - I have heard ALL this so many times before but this time, I insisted on clarity with him and he couldn't do it. Because his real self is actually an abusive person, I really am stating to see that now more and more.
Annony you are also right because every time we split, it used to leave me feeling guilty or like I had made the wrong decision, or somehow it was my fault. But to nitpick over stuff like I put the dishes in the dishwasher wrong, or the shopping away wrong, or the plates in the cupboard wrong is craziness! Especially when I did everything exactly the way he did it anyway when I was at his place! It would be fine for days or weeks and then he would just say something so stupid and horrible and pointless, almost like he wanted a fight. I can see it more clearly from the other side, but before I used to think I HAD done something wrong.
I am so better off without him. His loss and his problem.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (10 August 2015):
 You absolutely did the right thing by leaving him behind, but I disagree with your demand for an explanation. It's like asking a four year old why they scribbled on the wall with crayons. 'Why?' is a great question to ask after a train derailment or a building collapse, but when it comes to someone who has done the wrong thing...all you're going to get is gibberish and excuses or 'I don't know'. I don't see any cause for doubt about leaving him in the past.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2015): Hello.
Firstly I want to make a clear statement:
I absolutely think you have done the right thing.
He is abusive and manipulative, and this will never ever change. The only thing that will change if you take him back and stay together is you....you will be worn down and worn out but this vile man.
It takes such courage to break off a relationship with such a man, well done.
Please use all your strength now to keep away, remember how he has made you feel, remember what he is attempting to do to show you he understands what he has done to you.....and that is a big fat nothing - he is apologising because he thinks that's enough, he isn't explaining that he has hand understanding of what he does or the effects on you because he has no understand, he also has no desire to understand because he doesn't think he is to blame....telling you you are sensitive and he is joke....blar blar blar- how insulting! you are no idiot- please keep away from this vile creature.
I am glad he is sending you such grim texts etc- he is showing you again that this is not a man who thinks he is in the wrong, this is not a man who wants or is able to change- he doesn't respect or love you hun, he isn't capable of respecting or loving a woman. keep those texts, read them whenu feel low and wweak to go back and use them to spur you on to stay away!
good luck xx
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 August 2015):
 You know... I really LOVE the saying:
Insanity - is doing the same thing OVER and OVER expecting a different outcome. However, I think Insanity should be replaced with... Humanity.
Because IT IS very human to HOPE for things to get better. To believe in empty promises, BECAUSE you WANT to believe so badly that he will change.
BUT there HAS to be some kind of limit to how many times a person forgives, and how many times we allow others to ABUSE us. YOU have to set those boundaries/limits for you. Mine may be very different, and that is OK.
I think it's GOOD that you finally TOOK off the rose-tinted glasses and saw him for the "not so nice guy" HE really is.
So good for you.
He KNOWS (from past experience) that you FORGIVE. ALL he has to to is FAKE regret, apologize and kiss ass a little and you two will be back to how it always was. HIM having YOU around as his verbal punching bag and you hoping he will change.
Don't you find it just a LITTLE ironic that he CLAIMS to have change/want to change but the MOMENT you do not comply with what HE wants... he calls you names? Abuses you all over? THAT is who he is? A manipulative abusive piece of man-folk... Don't you think you deserve better then that??
NEXT step... CUT the contact. CUT him out of your life. This guy is VERY good with his words, which is why I think you went back/took him back so many times. So... the best way to prevent going down the same road... IS to cut off that option.
Decide to be done, the DO it. SCREW what he wants.
Take some time being JUST you. Hang out with good friends, family, enjoy life and if you at some point want to date again, make DARN sure you no longer think of this guy and don't follow the same pattern.
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A
female
reader, Anonny +, writes (9 August 2015):
I have a female friend who is in a relationship like this - she is totally blinded by him & thinks he's the sweetest guy one minute, but he calls her a whore & a liar the next when he gets upset about something.
This kind of relationship seems very one sided & it seems your partner is all about control. When things are going his way - fine - when not - he flies off the handle at you!
I believe these kind of relationships are very destructive - as he'll come out of it regretting his actions & you will come out hurt - either mentally or physically.
If things don't improve & keep on like this - I would feel glad that you're out of it - after all - how many chances are you going to give him?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 August 2015):
 Give him 6 months to figure out what an a$$hole he has been....
And then - and ONLY after 6 months - send him a cheerful "Hi, how ya' doin'?"
Only after that can you have any communication(s) with him.
Good luck...
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