A
female
age
36-40,
*isscandy
writes:Is my guy over his ex?I have found rude pictures of him n his ex(with whom he broke up 2 yrs back),everytime i ask him about her, he is overprotective n blames me of not trusting him. He avoids my questions and blames me instead.He visits her in odd hours, 10 pm, 11 pm for coffee.He is upset since she is going back to her country for good and he is angry he can't help her stay.He didn't want to add me on facebook coz he said it wud annoy his ex and so many more. He hasn't introduced me to any of his friend, never lets me touch his phone and laptop since 7 months we've been together.He has said beautiful things to me, but now i find it difficult to believe him. I love him so much...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): You can't rationalize with him; he is an unstable person emotionally and mentally. He has abusive tendancies as he is trying the gaslighting trick of making you doubt your perception and placing all the blame on you.
I would have to say that the things he has is not important; what's important is your emotional and mental health.
You are still caught up in his game by answering his texts; even reading them. Have the courage to delete them-you know what he says is untrue and only to cause you pain.
You don't need him. He doesn't make you happy or bring you peace. He doesn't deserve you.
Be strong, have the courage to let the things go-you don't need them. They are not worth exposing yourself to this person.
Block him from your email addresses. Take that first step to push him out of your life.
If you are tempted to call him; have a few back up people to call instead and say...I have the urge to call him.
Find counselling to help address and vent out all your feelings-this is a healthy way to get closure. Going to him for it-he won't give it and he doesn't want to see you happy or having peace. Something is wrong with him for him to desire this, don't you think?
Have a female bud re-record your voicemail. Remove pictures from any online sites he may go to. He has a sick obsession with you and you need to be pro-active.
Please do these things.
You need to start loving yourself and filling all the darkness he brought into your heart and mind with good light.
Start treating yourself better and hanging with supportive friends.
Abusive relationships do take their toll and you need to do all you can to get back to that happy and healthy state.
*hugs*
A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (14 September 2007):
 Hi again misscandy,
I'm glad to see that you're calling him to get your things. I can't believe he has the gall to keep telling you you're the one with the problem. If he really wanted a mature relationship, he'd stop accusing you of things AND he wouldn't ignore your phone calls.
If I were in your position, I'd give it a day. Then I'd call him to figure out when I could stop by to get my stuff. If he doesn't pick up the phone, send him an email or text letting him know your intentions. Since he's apparently a gentleman, he should be more than happy to act like a mature adult and schedule a time for you to stop by and gather your belongings.
Anyway, try your best not to let this person's problems affect you. Unlike him you seem to have your head on straight. Don't let him convince you or treat you otherwise.
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A
female
reader, misscandy +, writes (14 September 2007):
misscandy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAm ever so strong after reading all the suggestions/ advices. He hasn't called me since and he wont answer my call. I only want to ask about some of my stuff which is with him & tell him its over,but it seems like he's chickening out. May be he's too busy convincing his depressive( he says so)ex.I cannot understand his madness for me messaging her and leads me to doubt more.He's been texting me saying tht it was a mistake to trust me and i don't an adult emotions. Is he good with shifting the blame?
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (14 September 2007):
 You need to take care of yourself. He's not over his ex. Until he is he's not able to give himself to you and the relationship. It's not fair to you. You're a victim by all this. And his getting upset at you for extending best wishes to someone is inappropriate. How can telling someone good luck be accusing them of something, unless your right on target with what they feel you're accusing.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (14 September 2007):
I would say he is giving you reasons to suspect there may be something going on. There broken up, why does he have to meet her for coffee. He's in a relationship with you, and isn't respecting your relationship by meeting with his ex. Even if, and that's a big if, there's nothing going on, to most under these circumstance would be led to believe there is something not right with the relationship you have with him.
What I look at when reading these questions, are questions I would ask myself if I was in your shoes. (1) Out of all your friends, how many of them keep those kinds of pictures of their ex? (2) How many of your friends meet their ex's for coffee at strange hours. (3) How many people blame someone for not trusting them, if there wasn't an actual reason for the distrust?
It sounds to me like you need to find someone you cares for you, just for being you. Who doesn't give you reasons to distrust them, and that's with you because they really want to be with you.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (14 September 2007):
Hi misscandy,
He is not over this person. If he was, then he wouldn't be treating you like trash. What he is doing to you is awful - he is using you. AND he is abusing you. He's putting you through one hell of an emotional roller coaster when there is no need for it. He is selfish.
I know that it's never easy to see what to do when you're the person involved in the situation, but I really think it'd be best if you got the heck out of this "relationship." All this guy does is accuse you of things, assume things about you, go out with his ex late at night when he knows it bothers you, hangs onto pictures of his ex, doesn't introduce you to his friends, has a generally nasty attitude, had you give up friends for him, and the list goes on. Does this sound like someone who is a good boyfriend?? God, no!
Please, leave this relationship while you still have your self-esteem in tact. You don't want to start viewing yourself as your "boyfriend" does.
So back to your last question: "Should I just stay out of this mess?" In short, YES.
And even though this relationship bites, it always sucks breaking up with someone. But in a year from now, when you look back on all of this, I'm sure you'll be very happy with the decision you've made. What do you think?
Also, something that you might want to consider is going back and rereading the question and response you've posted. Pretend that you did not post it, and that you're logging onto this page to help someone else. What advice would you give this person? (I doubt you'd tell her to stick around.)
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2007): I say stop talking to him as a boyfriend means committed and he isn't acting committed. End it. And find someone who can be honest with you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated-you get to decide and you staying with this bloke will only cause you more upsets.
Peace.
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A
female
reader, misscandy +, writes (14 September 2007):
misscandy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for giving me ur suggestions and answers. Also to add, day before yesterday i msged his ex on facebook( coz he had told me that she knows about me) wishing her goodluck and best wishes for the re-location and now he is mad with me for interfering with his friends and accused me of being bunny boiler, malicious, suspecting, doubtful, immature, cynical etc. i thought there was no harm in saying hi. Should I just stay out of this mess? It is so difficult to do, I have almost given up all my friends to spend more time with him..:
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A
male
reader, Lostandalone +, writes (14 September 2007):
 I agree with basschick. He isn't over her yet. I can say that I did the same sort of thing when I broke up with my ex. I only used the other girls to pass the time. If she had of taken me back I would have tossed whomever I was with down the drain. Its cold but true. Look at the situation as if it were one of your girlfriends going thru this and take the advice you would give her.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (14 September 2007):
 He doesn't have an ex. He has a former lover/girlfriend who he hasn't gotten over, and is still trying to figure out how to get back. Prepare yourself my girl, he may very well pack his bags and move to the country she is re-locating to. It sounds like you may have stumbled into the role of being his rebound girl without knowing it. Until he is over her, meaning no more contact, no more facebook and he proudly introduces you to the people in his life, you shouldn't put your heart into this relationship unless you want it broken to pieces. I wish you the best sweetie.
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