A
female
age
51-59,
*redd29
writes:I do not understand how someone, man or woman, can simply walk out on their family. My husband and I have had our share of problems. Our marriage hasnt ever been a cake walk, but I have supported him in every decision he has ever made during our 3 year marriage. I quit my job of 10 years to support him in his career. I made 1000.00 per week and at his job now, he makes 1500.00 per month due to having to pay child support for 2 other children. I cashed out my retirement pension to pay off his back child support of 10,000.00 so that we could try to purchase a house, we still werent able to purchase the house. I have been home with our 2 year old since his birth and my husband is the breadwinner now. We moved from CA to SC one year ago and he recently applied for a job in NM, and got it. Two weeks away from moving to NM, while he was at work, I managed to pack the whole house and take care of the children. He and I got into a HUGE argument (on a Friday night) and he said that he was done, finished with this marriage. Sunday afternoon he said that he wanted to work on things and that he was going to really, really try. I went to get a pad of paper and a pen to write down the things that he expected of me as a wife and the things that I expect of him as a husband...before I even got the paper, he again said no, I am done, finished with this marriage. I begged him to go to marital counseling with me and he said that I wasnt worth the effort. That marriage doesnt take this much work and I dont want to be responsible for someone elses kids anymore. (I have three other children from another marriage, which their father pays 2000.00 per month in child support) I said what about your own? His reply was...I only want to be responsible for ME! He packed his stuff and left exactly one week ago. This last Friday, he had a vasectomy...Which I supported him in doing...although I wasnt there, he had already been gone 5 days. He hasnt called, emailed, driven by...NOTHING! He has gotten his paychecks and hasnt even offered to help buy food or milk. He abandoned us in SC with no family, friends or money to get back to CA. He has intentions of moving to NM next week...I love my husband and I dont exactly blame him for everything dealing with this situation...I know that I am a hard person to get along/live with. And in all honesty, I do not deserve this. I feel as though he doesnt love me the way that a husband loves a wife. We all love differently, and I fully understand that...I just feel taken advantage of and taken for granted. I dont know what I am doing wrong, if anything. I have taken him back each and everytime he has done this to my children and I and he goes to counseling MAYBE 3 sessions and decides that we dont need anymore help. Maybe we are toxic for one another...?
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female
reader, Red591 +, writes (30 November 2010):
 I answered this but my laptop just erased it when it back tracked to last page for no reason. FING MICROSOFT. anyways.....I said.....helping someone never turns them into a good person. I helped my ex when he was at his lowest and he returned the favor by cheating on me with a 19 year old whore. Karma will get them one day but I learned that I will never expect someone to be loyal because I'm so good to them. I will have a guy that is loyal because that is who he is. My ex blamed me for his cheating too because I was working more and I dated people he knew before I dated him. LAME!! those are excuses he tells himself and deep down he knows its bull. I have since recovered from all I invested in him but the scar remains. Scars fade with time and so will he. I have been told that he will realize his mistake the same day he does not cross my mind at all. Life is like that. You will recover too and you and your kids are better off without that childish idiot. There is someone better for you and as cliche as that sounds it is true. I have met three people that are better than my ex (in more ways than one ;) you will be ok so be strong for your kids
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (1 November 2010):
Hi there. He sounds a bit overwhelmed with it all. Your own child (yours and his), plus you both have children from previous relationships.
He was supporting you and your child (his), plus his past partner's children. It's a lot.
He probably feels like his whole life revolves around paying child support and not much else.
It also sounds like his life lacks balance. All work and no play.
Money is at the very core of many of his worries also.
You can't force him to come back with you and your baby.
He probably just wants to escape and be free.
Although this seems irresponsible, I think I can understand where he's at.
He doesn't seem sure about what he wants, as he keeps changing from wanting to be by himself, then wanting to work things out with you.
Because of this, it's going to take time. By him leaving, which is a desperate move, he is distancing himself from everything, so he can try to look at it objectively and make some sense of it.
Although you don't like it, and everything is up in the air at the moment, ultimately I believe it will be for the greater good of all - this break, I mean. Because only once he is some distance from it, can he then start to see things more clearly. It will make it easier for him to start making some decisions about his future.
It is just going to take time.
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