A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm engaged to a guy that couldn't possibly make me any happier... except when it comes to the bedroom. It seems that my libido is much higher than his, despite the fact that he's only three years older than me.It seems unfair on both ends since I'm constantly dealing with a feeling of sexual dissatisfaction, and he feels pressured by my constant demand for sex. I feel like our differences in libido might be due in part by the fact that he was the first person I was ever intimate with, in contrast to his many, many, many, many sexual conquests he had before me. Since we are engaged, I'm obviously willing to go the distance with him, but I hate the idea of having to deal with this for the rest of our lives. Any suggestions or advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
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female
reader, ShiShisAdvice +, writes (14 October 2011):
 Believe me hon, if it's a problem now, it WILL be a heartbreaking problem later. Move on. Don't say I didn't warn you.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (6 October 2011):
Hi. It's different when you are only seeing each other once or twice a week and don't live together.
Because the sex then, is a case of whenever you have the opportunity, and so because of that it only seems like it's more often. Because it only happens when you do see each other. Otherwise, there's no sex at all.
When you are together for days on end, it's not the same sense of urgency because you already know that you will be together for a few days. So then, there's no immediate need, if you follow me.
Consequently, you are probably having sex the same amount of times you did when you only saw each other for a day here or a few hours there.
On short visits with each other, it's like stockpiling where you save up so it does you until the next time you meet. Do you understand what I mean by that?
Because in reality, and he's on duty with the air force, you probably don't know how long it will be till you see each other again. So then there is a sense of urgency.
So I think what you are describing, is perfectly normal really.
When you are together all the time continuously - for say a few days to a week or more - the desire diminishes somewhat, because you know there is no hurry as he doesn't have to race off somewhere for weeks or months with the air force, so everything is much more laid back and relaxed. If you don't have sex today, well then there's always tomorrow or the next day.
You will find that once you are living together after you get married, this is pretty much how it will be for most of the time.
It's a bit like desensitization - it's there all the time and isn't going to disappear, so no need to go for it at every opportunity.
If on the other hand, you were only seeing each other every so many weeks, you'd find that it would probably be sex every single time you met.
So really, that's all that is.
Also, another important thing to remember in any relationship is the urgency for sex in the very early stages of a new relationship, won't stay like that forever and relationships do evolve with the longer you are together, life changes, children, life problems, loss of jobs, mortgages, bills etc. What I am saying here, is that once you are together all the time, reality sets in pretty quickly.
Keeping that in mind, you and him will need to make some time for just you and him so you don't let life get in the way of how you relate to each other.
And don't forget to have fun and go out sometimes and do fun stuff together.
Don't be too concerned though. It's certainly not anything to be very worried about, as most couples go through the exact same thing. Especially as more time goes by.
Also over time, you might find that your sex drive and his won't always match up. You might want it and he's not in the mood - or vice versa. This is absolutely normal also.
So there will be some compromise along the way, for sure.
It doesn't mean that you shouldn't marry him. Not at all.
And also over the years, both of your sex drives will become a bit less with age, and this is also perfectly normal.
In the meantime though, don't make it into a problem and hound him about why he isn't in the mood. Sometimes, it could even be simple tiredness and nothing more.
When you are living together all the time - if you aren't already - you will both probably end up having sex regularly about perhaps once or twice a week, and you'll find that's about average. In any case, it will all settle down into a short time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the re-response. To be honest, it's not like he won't put out at all. Before he left for the Air Force, we would do it every time I went to go see him at his apartment, and multiple times at that. The decrease in sexual drive is a new development, and usually only occurs when we're around each other for days at a time. I guess that I haven't gotten used to it yet. That combined with the fact that I'm dealing with a newly found sex drive creates some friction, but we usually resolve it. I know the problem will take a lot of talking and compromise on both of our parts, but I'm willing to do what it takes to make our relationship work. All of y'all's advice has been very helpful, and I really appreciate that you took some time to help me. Thank you all very much! :)
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (4 October 2011):
Hi. WOW! How romantic is that? I'm being facetious of course.
Engaged or not, if you can't come to a more satisfactory conclusion than this, you might have to seriously consider whether you still want to go ahead and marry the guy.
If it was me, I'd be having very serious doubts also.
Actually, I'm wondering if he isn't just being lazy.
He's only a young man, for goodness sake! If you were both in your 40's or 50's it might be a whole different ball game, but 18-21 years old, that's just not on.
Regardless of how good the rest of your relationship is, if the sex life isn't working and he won't co-operate in making it better, well then you seem to be in a "No Go Zone".
The decision is really up to you, and only you of course. However, this doesn't seem to sound very promising.
Perhaps he'd rather live a life of celibacy - which means no sex at all.
Another approach, is when it comes to having sex, why don't you just wait for him to come to you - instead of you instigating it all the time? If that's what has been happening up until now.
Making love is an important of a relationship, even though it's a small part of the big picture, it's still important nevertheless.
And if there are unresolved problems in the bedroom, over time a small problem will become a big problem and it will affect every other part of your relationship in a negative way. Then you will start bickering over nothing, and then it could end up in screaming matches.
If you are not careful, that could happen long before you walk down the aisle together. Is that what you really want?
Because of this, I am really hoping that the wedding isn't planned for at least a year. Not just a few weeks.
He doesn't seem to want to make any effort, does he? He's just said for you to be more aggressive. That's no solution though. Because he wants you to do it all - and him make no effort whatsoever!
My question is, why did you get engaged to him? The sex must have been the same as this before then, surely. Because people don't usually change really when it comes to sex. They are who they are.
It's time for you to do some very serious thinking.
Please, don't put it off any longer.
He certainly doesn't seem to show any signs of putting in any effort anytime soon, that's for sure.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2011): It's actually a common theme here. A promiscuous person gets in a relationship with a virgin and then his libido goes down the drain. It happens with women too.It WON'T go away!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all, thank you for your advice. I have tried talking to him about it quite a lot, actually. He believes that his lowered libido is mostly due to the fact that he had so many conquests before me, but I'm having a difficult time believing that that's all there is to it. And the problem isn't physical. He actually suggested me just being more aggressive and practically mounting him whenever I want sex, but where's the romance in that?
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (1 October 2011):
Hi there. You really need to discuss this openly with him about how you are feeling.
As you haven't really said so here, I am assuming that you have said nothing to him at all up to this point.
And because you are engaged, all the more reason for you to talk to him about it now, rather than hope it will all work itself out once you get married. Because the chances are, that it probably WON'T change from what it is now - if you say nothing.
So a good starting point would be to sit down with him in privacy, and be totally honest with him about how you feel.
It's clearly enough of a problem to write here about it, so it's fair to say that it does worry you considerably, and that it is certainly causing you some doubt about the future with him. If there ends up being one, that is.
So the crucial point here is - talk to him sooner rather than later.
Don't delay it any longer.
At the very least, once you have spoken to him and have heard his views, well then you can decide how you want to proceed from here on in.
To approach the conversation, be sure to let him know all the things about him and his personality that you absolutely love. So he knows then you aren't just nitpicking at him and finding fault. He needs to know that you do appreciate him generally, and that it isn't only about sex.
However in saying this, he DOES also need to know when there is something in your relationship, that isn't how you'd like it to be. You do have a right to be completely happy. Not just happy up until a point, then unhappy.
He does need to know the whole truth. Then at least, he has an opportunity and a choice to do something to fix things and put in some more effort into making things right.
He will realize also, that this possible marriage, is probably HIGHLY dependent on whether this issue of a dissatisfying sex life can be improved.
Good luck and best wishes.
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