A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:How do I forget this guy?! He emailed me yesterday confessing that he was married and hadn't been fair with me the past 6 mos. He then deleted his email acct so I can't reply to him. I have his cell number but don't want to appear desperate so haven't called him. I'm so hurt. The pain is excruciating. I think I loved him and just last week he said he wanted to marry me. I was planning to move to his town about 40min away not to be with him necessarily but because it is a nice town w good schools. I think this forced him into confessing. Supposedly, he has filed for divorce but taking the final step is harder than he thought it would be. Whatever that means. How do I get over such a shock and the pain of this heartbreak. It stinks. What should I do if he ever contacts me again?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2013): However intense the pain is you will get over him. Don't get in touch whatever you do and look forward to loving again. Take care.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (22 June 2013):
 I think it's staggering, the amount of people who can look you in the eye and lie so cooly and so adeptly.
(I was chatted up by a guy in a bar once and he was so convincing, telling me how his wife left him and he had his daughters on the weekend. I listened to him describing how painful it all was and as his friends were there listening too, I took him as genuine. He did admit he was happily married when he called me the next day and offered to take me out for a drink...I said no, of course. He was an excellent liar and still thought it was morally OK to claim he was happy and yet invite another woman out after he'd lied bare face to her. It was like he had no perception of how disrespectful his behaviour was...there are a lot of people out there who do this)
Women tend to form attachments much earlier in relationships and that's why they get hurt more often. It would be easy to think that this guy was now being held hostage by his aggrieved wife, preventing him from running to you, but that makes him no less a lying cheat...and this means he is fatally flawed. If he can cheat on her...he can cheat on you.
I also apologise for assuming you never met him and the fact that you did, makes this a much more grevious situation.
I really hope he does not contact you again because it would be so easy to start things up again, thinking it will all be different...the only thing that will be different is that you will be complicit in the lie and when he decides to NOT leave his wife afterall (like the other 93% of married men who cheat) you will have to go through even greater pain and suffering!
Cut your losses, this guy was never meant for you xxx
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 June 2013):
 Exactly. No guy ever has an attack of morality followed by a sudden deletion. He was caught by his wife, and now his life is hell...as it should be!
If he was lying about his name and you can't find him, chances are...he could have bought a pre-paid cell phone to talk to you with, meaning I'm guessing you'd probably not be able to reach him anyways. However, it's probable that his wife caught his texts.
You're going to have to think about what to do next. The self-destructive course would be to let this destroy you, to obsess over it, to call him even, or to find out where he is and confront him. But why? It may feel like satisfaction, or you need an explanation or closure, but in the end, it won't change anything. You were still lied to, and he is still a scumbag cheater.
The best course would be to absorb the shock and heartbreak, talk to some friends and lean on their love and your family's love, and then move forward with your life. You *are* your own closure. Consider how he was able to deceive you and say he was single when he was married. If you meet someone else online, best to do an online check on his background (even a Mylife search) to verify that he's for real and that he's not married. You can move forward wiser, or you can move forward broken and jaded. You shouldn't have to suffer because he is a complete waste of breath. He has to live with his horridness, and now his wife will tear him to pieces as he tries to stammer and backtrack and lie, knowing that he hurt his wife, lied to his wife, devastated his wife and you.
Hold your head up. You were victimized, but that doesn't mean he has the power to make you REMAIN a victim.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thought he was single. I was struck dumb to find out he was married.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 June 2013):
You two were in an ACTUAL affair, as in seeing each other face to face??
I change my mind then. He didn't do this because you were moving, because he already was seeing you in person. Oh, this guy was BUSTED. His wife caught him and has him by the short ones for sure. A terse email, then an address delete out of the blue? I bet anything she was standing over his shoulder, proverbial rolling pin in hand.
He was caught. She most likely had him block your number or outright took his phone away. There's a high probability that he'll contact you again from a different number or email address, again behind his wife's back. He's most likely saying the right things and doing all of the motions of counselling...unless she's leaving him.
He's a cheating slimeball. Do not see him. And, don't see guys until their divorce is FINALIZED. Not in the process, not separated, not "We're leaving each other". Must be a done deal.
He was lying to you the whole time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've been wondering about this email account myself! I know it wasnt a work email. I just wonder if he is even who he claimed to be. I couldn't find him listed in the directory.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 June 2013):
 Thanks for the clarification.. SO he didn't just live this "fantasy" online he lied to your face (Omission in this case I would call lying).
Could be his wife caught on and he had to make a choice? Another thing, did he MAKE that e-mail account solely to talk to YOU? I mean if that is the e-mail he uses at work or with family/friends it just seems odd to be so drastic as to delete it, if that makes sense?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses . This wasnt an online affair. We went out
regularly
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 June 2013):
I agree with eyeswideopen - be GLAD you were told BEFORE you relocated.
Delete his number and next time GET to know a guy before making those serious plans. That would mean MEET him in person, DATE him (not online only) and take it slow. Seems like you have kids so you really need to take your time finding a GOOD partner.
It sucks that he lied to you, but on the other hand that "might" make it a little easier for you to let him go. I mean do you really WANT to date someone like that? Who will have an online "fantasy" relationship with no consideration for the other person's feelings? and for the feeling of the wife?
Sorry.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (21 June 2013):
 Just be glad you found out before you relocated. Use your anger over his despicable behavior to help with your pain. Luckily you only wasted six months on the asshole.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 June 2013):
 If he contacts you again... just ignore him , totally ignore him and forever hold your peace .
Even if he should say that he got divorced eventually and he's now single ( which of course, coming fron him, could very well be a big fat lie ). His infractions - deceiving you for 6 months , proposing marriage.. when he's got a wife already - are just too huge to be forgiven and disqualify him even from just being allowed to talk to you ever again.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (21 June 2013):
If he contacts you again and you start up with him again, your life is going to descend into a new type of hell...believe me!
If he had any intention of leaving his wife, firstly he would have told you he was married from the go get. Then he would have actively shown you he was getting divorced, like moving to his own apartment, being open about having a relationship with you.
There is no way he intended to be with you, you must accept that or you will never be able to recover.
Internet relationships are NOT REAL until you meet and start dating properly...it's just talk and distraction and there are millions of people all over the globe being 'played' by married people who are just looking for a thrill and some attention...you being one of them.
Join a proper dating site or an introduction agency, meet single people in your area and get to know them face to face...at least if they turn out to be married you can complain to the site!
Get yourself out there and your heartbreak will be gone very quickly!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2013): He is a real peace of work! I am pretty sure you are hurting badly and fighting every urge not to call as you still love him and miss him. You are human to feel this way.
I would want to get even at someone that used me and would contact him wife and let her know also tell her that you dont want him back but believe she deserves to know the truth. Karma is a bitch, no harm in speeding it up.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (21 June 2013):
 hey there.
i'm so sorry you had to deal with all this. what a shock!
youwish is right. this guy isn't getting divorced. he's still married and was merely talking to you on the side, leaving you completely oblivious. and clearly his wife didn't know. he is a slimeball.
best thing you can do is not call him and leave him be. easier said than done, i know, but he's not worth the effort of trying to contact. he's a douche.
i hope you feel better soon. it may take a bit of time to heal, but don't let this effect your faith in others. it's easy to sometimes lose trust when something so awful happens. i've experienced stuff like this myself, and it took me a while to recover my trust. hopefully you'll bounce back quick.
good luck!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 June 2013):
So let me get this straight -- he led you to believe for the past 6 months that he wasn't married, and then he suddenly "confesses" in an email, only to disappear after you told him you were moving close to him?
The guy is a grade A slimeball, and yeah, I'm sure you moving to where he was probably hastened everything along. He was lying to you the whole time, and he's most likely not divorcing her, but it was all a lie.
If he ever contacts you again, I'd tell him to get the hell out of your life, or you'll tell his wife what he's up to, if she doesn't know already. In this internet age, "disappearing" isn't quite so easy, with the age of background checks and address lookups. You could find where he worked and do all sorts of damage.
But take the high road. The last thing you need to do is lose control and spend the next several months in misery. Best to grieve the relationship, and then be fortunate you didn't sleep with the guy.
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A
female
reader, babyzbird  +, writes (21 June 2013):
 I'm so sorry this happened to you. What a horrible man he is! Try to feel relieved that he finally showed his true colors.
If he contacts you ignore him. Treat him like you would any other break-up. No contact, keep busy, and rely on friends.
I hope you heal soon.
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2013): I'm sorry you are hurt, only time will help you heal and recover from this terrible and unexpected shock. I am sure you loved him, 6 months is enough time to develop feelings towards someone.
You are right, I agree with you he probably realized you were serious about your plan to move to his town and he panicked. I doubt he will try to call you, however If he ever calls you don't pickup the phone and after a couple of times he'll stop calling you and who knows maybe he will look for a new fling.
keep yourself busy and try to spend time with friends this might help you forget what happened. Good luck and always remember you deserve better than a man who lies and who breaks his promises.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2013): You get over it with time. Don't go looking for him.
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