A
female
age
41-50,
*uylinda
writes:Ive been seening my guy for a few months now. Its the honeymoon stage. Although technically we are an unofficial couple, we have a great connection, tend to be inseperable and generally drive each other crazy in a good way. Also note that he is always honest, even if it hurts. oh and my family adore him. My only hang up has been his ex. They called it off over a yr ago and are still friends. She calls him weekly and they were still spending time together but unattached. Also he claims she is the only person he has loved. When I asked if he still did, he said he didnt know, he hadnt seen her face to face in some time and wouldnt know how he felt if he saw her again . All of this made me uneasy, and he knew it. I tried to tell myself I was foolish for feeling this, because he has told me about their relationship, and the difference between what he had with her and what he has now is an astonishing contrast. Even so the issue of the x was a like a fat silent elephant standing between us. Thus he went out of his way to introduce us to one another and told her in detail all about us. After the encounter, he confessed he felt nothing but friendship, and I felt a foundation had been set.I guess I thought her knowing about us would mean she'd recognise us as a couple. Maybe she'd lay off some. But she continually calls him all hours (which he doesnt answer or reply when Im about), asks to dance with him when their at the same club (although he denies the request) and recently she sent him a msg saying she'd dreamt about the two of them being intimate (WTF!).Can someone please clarify if this is going beyond the boundaries of friendship? Being a bit jealous/burnt over your ex's new gf is one thing, but clearly she holds a torch for him, and I cant help that feel what she is doing is disrespectful to myself. She and I attend the same college, so I am constantly seeing her about and it grates coz I know I wouldn't do this to my ex-bf.Should I do anything? or see if it passes? All thoughts appreciated.........
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his ex, jealous, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2007): In my eyes you have done the right thing. You need to get over this and move on. some people are so hard, they just walk into and out of our lives, without showing any feelings. Get over it. You will in time. but right now you are raw.
take care and look to the future.
xx
x
A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (12 September 2007):
 Hi Again,Yes of course you did the right thing. If this has no effect on him, he was not the right one for you. It is really sad that he made you feel like this but you sound really nice and I am sure it will be his loss.Take care, I know how you feel I am in a simular situation myself. XX
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A
female
reader, Muylinda +, writes (12 September 2007):
Muylinda is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNot sure how many people, if any one is following this, but I need an outlet and this is as good as any.
I did it. I talked to him. Must admit, the delivery could have been better, perhaps I could have waited for a better moment. But it doesnt matter, coz its been done.
How many buckets of tears to we cry in a life time again? Pretty sure I'm going to triple it.
He doesnt feel he should set boundaries for her, let alone anyone right now. Because he says I am not his woman. Although he loves what we have, likes me a hell of alot, admits he is thinking of asking me out soon...he wont do this for me. He doesnt encourage the contact, but not about to discourage it either. He hopes that one day he and the ex will get to a stage where she only contacts once in a while to say hi. But right now, he says he cant and wont set a line/rule/marker. In any way. Big or small.
How can someone be so right and then so wrong?? I took all his stuff back to his. Had everything here from cologne to jackets. He doesnt seem phased its ending, didnt make any attempt to modify the situation to keep me about.
God it kills to feel so insignificant. That he doesnt care if I walk in or out of his life. In his head its my choice.
My best friend is saying is being casual because he doesnt know what to say or think. That men are stubborn and wont admit how they truly feel. She thinks it'll bite him in the butt and he'll crack. But right now her predictions seem far off.
Have I done the right thing? Should I have waited and seen what happened?????
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A
female
reader, Muylinda +, writes (11 September 2007):
Muylinda is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirstly I can't thank you all enough for your input. It hasn't been easy to for me to see the situation from other angles, & sometimes I just haven't wanted to see it.
Female anon asked what the contrasts were, and I can tell you a few things, for example that for cultural reasons his x's family never accepted him, and probably never would. Infact the x parents never knew she was spending nights/days with him, she kept him a secret. He has taken steps with me, such has meeting family members for one, that he never did with her. He admits we are more alike and all of this gives me a warm feeling in my tummy .........you get the point.
BUT I need to sort this out and asap.
So Im gonna talk to him.
If he truly doesnt feel anything for her anymore, then he has to see that his "friendship" with the x is simply a lead on. That its basically keeping her around, even if that hasn't been his intention. I can't force him.... but what this girl is doing its unacceptable and I need to make it clear that if he thinks its acceptable, especially for her to msg such things (grrr) then Im not going to have a bar of it.
If they are officially through, then there is no reason for her to be calling so much, none at all and he needs to be the one to see how this is effecting our relationship and HE needs to enforce it.
And if none of the above registers with him, if he then doesnt value me as no 1 & doesnt want to make this work, then female anonymous you'll be proud to know that I will walk away. Sounds easy typing it, it wont be so easy to do it but I wont take being anything but No 1 with him. I deserve no less.
So Ill keep posted on how it goes. Wish me luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): You MUST speak up now, or put your foot down and tell him you need to be number one, no if's and's or but's about it. Don't hang around the same clubs, if you have the opportunity, answer his phone for him (sometimes) and when you see the ex, make it a point to tell her how great you and HER ex get along.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): I agree totally with Red. but i would be hurt if my bloke did come back with a 100% NO if asked the same question. I too hope all works well with you two and try and rise above the ex, she is the one who has lost out, but she must be pushed into the background as far as he can push her, but don't let this spoil what you two have.Take carexx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): Personally, I think if your boyfriend hasn't completely excorcised his ex out of his life there is a reason for it, like he is not ready to.If he is pulling back in any way over this, then I would exit the relationship for awhile and give him the space and time to figure out what he wants, don't threaten, nag or whine, just don't wait on him to make up his mind either, start dating again...that should get his attention and put a fire under him that he oculd possibly lose you if he doesn't get his act together...and if you do lose him, then it was not as great of a relationship as you thought....and find someone who will commit to you enough to tell his ex to buzz off.....I am going through a similar state of affairs, and it is not fun, it is hard to back off, but it is your only option....do nothing to her, and tell him how you feel about the two of you together and what you have, and tell him you hope he will make up his mind soon, but you are going to step back and date other people.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): Let's see. You asked him if he still loved his ex and he replied "I don't know." And you feel FOOLISH for feeling uneasy?! hmmm. I am not saying he is a bad guy and you guys could work this out because it seems you both really like eachother. However, that is a pretty bold statement. The "I don't know." It wasn't a flat out NO. So no wonder you feel "uneasy." Clearly he still has some feelings for her. If that is something you can live with, then more power to you.Furthermore, he has been dating you for a few months and he STILL says that she is the ONLY girl he has ever loved?? What about you?? I think a few months is enough time for a guy to know if he loves you. Don't you think? I definitely think so. And if the difference between what he had with her and what he had with you is such an "astonishing contrast," in YOUR favor as you imply, then why is she STILL the only girl he has ever loved?? What exactly is the "astonishing contrast" here?? If this contrast was in YOUR favor, he would CERTAINLY love you and NOT her. Don't you think? I certainly think so. So the reality is that it sounds like he likes you but he is not hiding the fact that he still has feelings for his ex. That's the reality. And if you still don't understand why just read the above again. You guys get along good so this is something that you could accept and hope he grows out of these feelings he has for her. Or if you are too proud (which I don't blame you if you were) you could just walk and find someone who at this stage will only have feelings for YOU. As for the ex constantly contacting him; If he wishes to continue seeing you, you have got to make it clear that this has got to STOP once and for all. Don't be afraid to set boundaries. Guys actually love that. Don't be too nice. "oh but it's his ex. I am so understanding. They have been through alot." Please don't do this. NEVER. Set boundaries. Show him that you want to be respected. The only one who can stop this IS HIM. If you keep letting him get away with all this, he is going to keep walking all over you. The phone calls are never going to stop. Their "friendship" is never going to end. And he is not going to take you too seriously. Believe it! So set boundaries and show that you want to be respected and loved. So the bottom line is that NO, none of this is normal. (It is great that he is so honest but a guy who basically tells you he might still have feelings for someone else after being with you for a few months is more than just honest. It's just plain casual. Are you just a friend or a potential girlfriend?? That is not something a guy would say to a potential girlfriend). But if you wish to accept that the guy you are involved with still has feelings for another girl (which I find intolerable) then I hope he outgrows it and falls for you, eventually. And in the meantime you should not accept his constant interaction with his ex. I wouldn't tolerate any of this. But if you will, then just hope it passes and set boundaries in the meantime. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (10 September 2007):
Hi,
I think Red has given you some good advice there. Talk to him and let him know how this is effecting you. Why should you put up with it anyway.
She is an ex for a reason though, and just because they spent some time together could just have been a case of neither one having anyone else around at the time.
When she meets a guy that she likes, she will leave your's alone.
Just try to not let her see that it effects you. And your boyfreind should make it clear that HE thinks this is not on, it should'nt come from you. Or she may torment you even more. She sounds like a complete cow.
Good luck XX
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A
female
reader, red1982 +, writes (10 September 2007):
Hi There
It sounds like his ex is really jealous about your relationship. I think she liked the idea of him pining for her after they split up and now that she knows that he is really interested in you is doing everything in her power to make him want her again. Could you talk to your boyfriend about how she is making you feel. Could he be a bit more forceful about telling her to back off and that he is not interested in her for a relationship? He said that he no longer feels anything but friendship for her - has he made that clear to her? Does he encourage her subconsciously? I don't blame you for getting annoyed with it - I would be too. However don't distrust your boyfriend. If he says it's you he wants and not her try to believe him and hopefully this girl will get the message soon and leave the two of you alone.
I hope it works out for you both.
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