A
female
age
41-50,
*eep in thought..
writes:I have recently found out my partner of three years have been 'cheating' online with a girl he claims he never met. I came across a saved msn conversation on the computer which was quite graphic, this girl knew I exsisted as she asked where I was, the 'graphic' conversation was quite laughable as his performance (to mt knowledge) certainly wouldnt match what he was asking her to do.. The part which really made me feel ill was when he suggested meeting her(I have later found out she is not local) whilst I am away on holiday with a friend and he is looking aftre my 8 year old son! When confronted he was shocked, stunned, upset to say the least - said it was all a fantasy world..I have had my suspicisions about his secretive behaviour in the past and have even challenged him about girls who I have never heard of texting his phone(and sending photo's)..all to which I was told they were 'friends' before I knew him...Lucky for me, the girl in question texted my partner asking him to go online and look at her sexy new hairdo, I texted back asking her not to text as he was interested..she got a bit nasty asking did I know what he had been saying to her, so I called her and said yes I had read their messages, did she not understand we have a life and a child to bring up, and why she couldnt just go out and meet someone who was genuine?? After what she had shown him on her webcam, I asked her if she often showed her body to men she had never met - I told her she was a rape victim waiting to happen with such 'actions' as that..in the end she apolgised profusely and promised to never contact him again..To cut a longer story short, I do not trust this man anymore, I moved away from my family and friends to make a committment to him nearly two years ago so I am stuck in an area I coldnt possibly afford to live in alone, we had a pretty rubbish sexlife before - due to his hangups about himself(Mr Walter Mitty has self asteem issues) now it is now exsistent..he has told me he will do anything to 'make it up to me'..but Im not sure what can be 'made up' for me to forgive and forget..to top all this, I have found the reason why he was in contact with so many girls, he had been a member of a dating site (around 6 years - so even before getting with me)and had kept in touch with a certain few..I now check his phone, have intersepted his hotmail and changed all his passwords and block all the contacts..my head is spinning, and I feel like a mad woman..I was never a 'jealous' person but now feel like Im possessed..Hopefully someone out there can give me some advice! Thanks for reading - sorry it was a bit long x
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): My partner and I have been together for about 2 years; although currently living in separate homes he’s dropped strong hints that he’d like that to change in the very near future. He’s not the easiest man to love; bi-polar with a tendency toward depression and there’s more than a hint of Aspbergers in his make up. But love him I do, and I’d like for us to have a future together.
Our mobiles are virtually identical and two months ago we accidentally got them mixed up – he went off with mine and his ended-up in my handbag. Which is how I discovered he’d been sending and receiving sex-texts from women.
When confronted he tried to pretend these were women he’d dated prior to meeting me and they kept on texting him, despite his requests that it should stop. This of course was shown to be a lie by the texts he’d been sending in response, but in complete contradiction of the evidence, he’s stuck by his story. All he’d say (repeatedly) was that he loved me, didn’t want to lose me and had never been unfaithful.
I know he’s not been unfaithful to me (and I’m confident he never would) but I do have a pretty good idea of what’s transpired. He’s made contact with these women on-line and all parties concerned have derived a considerable amount of titillation from the exchange of sex-texts.
So I gave him a ‘get-out-of-jail-free’ card. Told him that if he came clean, admitted what he’d been up to and promised never to do it again, we’d draw a line under the matter and move on.
But he hasn’t taken me up on it, has simply stuck to the same ludicrous story.
A psychologist friend of mine suggested that perhaps he’s managed to convince himself that his version of events is actually the truth, told himself the story so often he now believes it is fact.
Although initially I walked out on the relationship, he asked me to give him another chance and I agreed - on a trial basis.
Friends thought I was crazy, advising me to ditch him and move on, but I wasn’t convinced.
Before ‘the incident’ he was somewhat complacent and tended to take me for granted. What happened (almost losing me) was a huge wake-up-call and brought home to my partner exactly what he had to lose. Which scared him and I don’t think he’d ever take stupid risks with our relationship ever again.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2007): It is NOT unbelievable that you are experiencing so much pain without physical cheating. Lots of stuff has been written about online cheating, studies showing it is just as damamging to a relationship as physical cheating, and of course there is a fair chance that he will take it to the next level and actually meet some of these people in person. This would expose you to heaven knows what diseases, with this in mind I think you should insist on condoms if in fact you want him touching you. He is apparently not the father of your child, nor do you say you are married, and you don't know what he was doing within sight or hearing of your child - you certainly do not need to stay with him because of your son. You and your son should be with someone you trust.People do manage to rebuild trust after an affair. You would both really have to want to save the relationship, and couples counseling is probably your best chance. The horrible feeling of betrayal is something many (most?) people feel when they find out their partner is doing on-line chat/sex/etc., look for some books and websites about this.You know of course that despite all your efforts he can still do this if he decides he wants/needs to. (I say need because there is often a sex addiction component to this sort of thing, and his case is intense enough that addiction may apply).
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A
male
reader, daglish  +, writes (25 August 2007):
 Its unbelivable that u've developed such a great deal of dissatisfaction from mere conversations and no physical cheating. This would be a hard case to prove for divorce in court though you really have reason to worry. I have this gut feeling that its not only you but also him who are tired of the relate. But what you shpuld know is that you already have a son with him and that should be reason enough to find a way of saving your marriage rather than opting out. The sex bit which matters most before any couple gets a kid is not as necesary any more. All you need to do now is try to tactfully get him to admitt what he is doing and both of you bring your greviances on table. If you fail to reach any meaningfull solutions then try to seek a marriage concillor.
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A
female
reader, hugs4u002  +, writes (25 August 2007):
I feel your pain! It has been a week since I broke it off for good with my boyfriend over the exact same thing...this all surfaced about a year ago and he has promised and sworn a thousand times exactly like your man, that it is all fantasy......well, we also weren't having sex very often and I walked in on him masturbating at the computer after I had fallen asleep. I thought I was going to lose my mind trying to trust him. Last weekend I set up a fictious messenger account and engaged him in conversation, can't even believe he fell for it, and guess what...he gave out his phone number to which I had a friend he didn't know call him 3-way and sent him fictious pics........it worked so well he asked this girl over to have sex with him that day. I also called him and said I was going to come over that evening and he faked an earache so I wouldn't come out....just my experience but sounds very similar, I believed his lies and went against my instincts which drove me absolutely insane. If you would like to PM me I can tell you more.
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (25 August 2007):
 You are right to feel this way. He did indeed cheat. Just because it was online and didnt involve any physical sex does not mean it wasnt cheating. Right now you are going a bit overboard, but that is understandable. You are in pain! If he really wants to work it out with you he will have to put up with this stuff for as long as you need to pull it. He should be loving and supportive and eventually, hopefully the two of you will work it out!
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