A
female
age
30-35,
*pendy
writes:My Open Question:Why would he do all of that and want to be friends afterwards? During our relationship, my ex boyfriend had a one night stand at a party cos he was having problems getting it up and he thought he'd try elsewhere. he was also sleeping with another girl for 2 months and I didn't know anything about it.I loved him so much, he was so sweet, we had a great sex life, we got on great. Everything was perfect. Then one day he broke up with me and I found out everything he was doing behind my back.Now that we are over, he wants to be friends, ringing me whenever he's upset, telling me he misses me and wants to see me after cheating, lying and dumping me. He says am a nice person and he wants us to be friends.But I can't, cos I loved him, gave him everything but he never appreciated me not in the slightest way. and I know am a nice girl, a good girl and someday I will find a nice guy who will love me and treat me well.Why was he so nice and sweet? It made me feel like we were in love and that I was his only one when all the while he was doing all these thing behind my back? He dumped me and now he wants to be friends? Why?He says he wasn't just sex with me and that he really did love me..!! I'm 22 he's 23.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2011): If you don't want to remain friends with him (and no one can blame you for not wanting to stay friends) then don't. You're under no obligation.
he calls you whenever he's upset? well does he ever care how YOU feel or if you're upset? or he just comes running to you want he wants something from you and otherwise is happy to keep secrets and lie to your face and do things behind your back.
this is not a friend. friends dont' back stab each other
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (19 April 2011):
He doesn't love you, he needs you. there's a difference.
Loving some one means caring about their feelings and being considerate of them, and wanting to meet their needs.
Needing someone means being focused on getting your own needs met by them, and what the other person wants or needs is secondary. It's based in selfishness.
This guy needs you, but he doesn't love you. why he needs you, who knows - maybe he has a lot of insecurities or because you happen to have been the one who was around when in the past he needed his needs filled so now he automatically comes back to the well again.
I'm sure he does like you because you're fun and outgoing and caring etc, but from his behavior it seems that he's still more concerned about himself and what you can do for him. He wants or needs to maintain a relationship with you for whatever reasons he has but they are selfish reasons, maybe it's to ease the guilt over having cheated on you, maybe it's to keep you around as a back up for when he gets dumped or wants to dump whoever he's with, maybe it's because he likes or appreciates how you "take care" of him and wants more of that.
But in the end, it's based on his needs and he doesn't care about yours (he would be happy if you get your needs met too while taking care of his, but his still come first).
I wouldn't stay friends with him because friendships are supposed to be mutually beneficial. What would you gain from a friendship? instead it would be you fulfilling his needs
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (19 April 2011):
Let's make it simple. He cheated on you, he disrespected you. What's the point in being friend with a guy you loved and treated you so bad? He's not a good person. And choosing your friends is as much important as choosing your boyfriend. You can't be friends with someone who betrays you.Don't waste your time nor energy with this guy any more.
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A
female
reader, melanie01  +, writes (19 April 2011):
 i had the exact samething with my ex. Walk away seriously he is only going to keep hurting you. I know it's hard but once he is out of your life you will feel much better. I also know you will keep talking to him despite how many times you tell yourself you wont. Love sucks in that sence. For your own sanity walk away. Do you really need the constant reminder that he hurt you because that is all you will feel when he's around. The sooner you get away from him the sooner you will find the sweet guy you deserve.
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A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (19 April 2011):
 Gotta go with most of what Dirtball says here. What he says is not *always* true of every cheating scenario *but* in this one I think it is. He didn't love you, not in the nice kind of way in any case, your obviously a nice person and he took advantage of that and drained you of your warmth and kindness to make you feel better about himself. Now he's lost that hes suffering a little withdrawal but dont confuse this with grief at a lost love. You do deserve better and you have to believe that in yourself to avoid attracting the likes of your ex. Cut him off totally, learn the lesson, move on and go out there and you will find something far much better than this guy can ever give you.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (19 April 2011):
 Why was he so nice and sweet?To keep you on board and to keep you from looking into his side "activities."Why would he still want to be friends?To keep you on the line as a backup. Because he's selfish. Because your feelings don't really matter to him.He didn't love you. If he did, he would not have done what he did. He's a player and a manipulator, and that's what he's doing. Sometimes people want to stay friends after a breakup because losing someone who meant so much to you it just too hard. The truth is that it rarely works well though. What I think you need to do is cut him out of your life so you can grieve this lost relationship. You DO deserve far better than this guy, but if you keep him around, you'll only be hindering your own ability to move on.
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