A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Last night, I my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years confessed that he has cheated on me 4 times in the past. We have been in a long distance relationship for a good chunk of it because we are both very ambitious people. I travel a lot and he is in the service. I broke it off with him last night because I really didn't see this coming. We were completely in love and inseperable when we are together. It came as a complete shock to me and I was crushed completely - like a glass shattered into a million pieces. I broke off with him last night.The first time he cheated, I dont care because it was in the early stages of our relationship and we didnt really declare what we were to each other yet when I was abroad. The 2nd time was during a winter trip that he went off last year with his buddies. He got a blow job from his buddy's cousin. We dated for about 6 months by then. The 3rd time was during Spring Break of last year (8-9 months into the relationship). He went to Florida with his buddies and on the trip he got shitfaced and made out with some random girl.The 4th time was the beginning of this summer when he went on a graduation beach retreat with his friends. He got shitfaced there again and made out with some random girl while laying down on the floor. He confessed these four times. We talked last night and I was so furious with him. He told me that didn't realized he really loved me util 4 months ago and he said that he never had sex with anyone during our relationship.He said that when he gets really shitfaced,he couldnt control himself and he acted the way he did andhe feels so guilty afterwards. The sad part about this all is that I really loved him and at this point I still love him and I cant let go.I havent talked to him since his confession last night. I've been crying all day andIve been trying to contemplate what to do with us.I had a crush on this guy since I was 13 years old and we got to start something really special 1 1/2 years ago.He always told me that he wished he met me later on in life because I was perfect for him but he is still so young and immature. (We are both 22 years old.) Now, I know why he always states this.I guess my question is.. what do I do from now on.The smartest move and what most ppl will tell me is to move on bc I am young but you need to understand that Ive been inlove with him since I was little and my feels have progessively grew stronger and stronger for him ever since. I have never loved anyone more than him.If he didnt have sex with them, is it okay?If we get back together, is this just the beginning of a cycle that will happen again and again?He stated he didnt realize how much he loved me until 4 months ago and ever since then he supposedly never cheated on me.. but then again he was away at bootcamp for the majority of it...I just dont know what to do but sit here and be that broken glass shattered to a million pieces.....any insight would be appreciated.. thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2008): I am going through the exact same thing. My (ex) boyfriend and I were together over a year and he just called me yesterday to tell me that he has cheated on me 5 times since November. He'd been with my family, my friends, and me many, many times since then, and I know his conscience eventually got to him. He called to tell me he had cheated the previous night. He used the same excuse about being drunk when they happened and that he was out of control. But I agree with the person who said on here that drinking just gives you an excuse for what you wanted to do in the first place.Since I am feeling the same emotions, I know that the good things people tell you won't help you feel better, but I hope you have faith in God, because that's who will help you get through it. It hurts, it sucks, it may be physically painful (my nose just bled after crying) but whatever you do , do not go back. He won't respect you if you take him back without any changes on his part, because for some sick reason, human nature is to reject the object that allows them to be the low person that he thought he was. Really, cheating is about self-esteem, or I should say a lack thereof. By cheating, he reaffirmed that he is the loser that he thinks he is. You can't make him bring himself up, he has to come to that point on his own.He will regret what he did for a very long time, especially if you end up happy with someone else, but the best revenge is for you to love and trust again. Don't allow him to steal that from you. Certainly learn and be discerning from here on out, but do not deprive the future love of your life of your caring compassion, and trust. And be glad it happened before you got married, had kids, etc. so now you have the chance to get out without any complications. Temporary pain for a lifetime of happiness. It's worth it. Keep your head up and God bless you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): Love is hard to let go. Younger females tend to be more emotional in relationships. Younger males are some what emotional but will go through experimental phase. At 22 of age maybe the two of you should explore or venture out. Still remain close friends. This will allow for the future relationship of you and him to become even tighter. Now is not the time to be committed boyfriend and girlfriend. Be close friends. Shit, have fun, you are 22. travel the world. meet strange people, show your boobs. My wife and I separated twice. Prior to getting married we realized that we were missing some things, so we ventured out. When you venture out you may meet strange people, you may thank you are meeting the love of your life (when in reality he or she is turning you out sexuality)give him time
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2007): I am going through a somewhat similiar situation, although I am older and we were together for 14 years. I am in the "stage" you are in, You are trying to justify his actions, you are trying to tell yourself that what he did was "ok" because he told you he did not know he loved you until 4 months ago. Honey that is all BULL. You are demeaning yourself and in denial by accepting his excuses. There is a thing called self control. And even though he admitted to his affairs, he has no concept of commitment and self-control. You accept his "excuse" that he was shifaced, that is a copout and is WEAK! he has done this 4 times to you. I am trying to move on from a husband of 14 years that snuck behind my back, cheated on me, and left me feeling it was my fault. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT HE CHEATED! Yes, maybe there were problems in the relationship to begin with, but you nor I sought out another person outside the relationship thinking it was the answer. As a matter of fact your "man" sounds like he has no concept of what LOVE IS, what Commitment is and you are and will be better off without him. I know, I KNOW how hard it is to let go and move on, especially when you love him soo very much, but you HAVE TO!
He has done it 4 times he will do another 10 times, especially if you take him back despite his "weak confession"his excuses, if you take him back.....he KNOWS he got away with it 4 times, he knows he will get away with over and over again! He will walk all over you! You are a beautiful, sexy, commited, loving, trueblue woman and did not deserve this EVER.End it now, even though it will be the hardest most diffcult thing you will do, (what doesn't kill us makes us stronger) and learn from it Sister! I have been struggling with the same emotions of love, missing, soulmates, marriage etc, but in the end, you have to look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself, "am I a Doormat or a loving, trusting, comitted woman who desrves to be loved for me, for my gifts. And not manipulated by a selfish immature man, who has made excuses and justified his actions. He WILL do this over and over again ......YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM.....NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY OR NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU TRY TO CONVINCE YOUSELF HE WILL BE DIFFERENT!
I feel for you babe and you are in my paryers, it IS THE MOST difficult task to let go of someone you loved with all your being, trusted with you are, and believed in him and trusted him to always be there.....BUT YOU HAVE TO LET IT GO! YOU HAVE TO DEAL AND MOVE ON!YOU HAVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF YOU! DON"T SETTLE WITH A SELFISH, WEAK MAN!!
Even though right now it feels like you will never get over this, you will pick up the pieces he has shattered, and you will be a stronger, better woman for having gone through it! Kick him to the curb, If you think about it, he kicked you aside when he let that woman give him a bj, and the other 3 times. He was not thinking about you at all, He was thinking only about himself....Sex is SEx, And honey don't believe him when he says there was NO SEX!! There was !!!he is selfish and immature, has no clue what commitment or love is. that weak excuse that he did not realize he loved you until 4 months ago......that is to diminish what he did, and to justify his irresponsiblity.... and his excuse of having been drinking, that is all it is an excuse. Don't accapt it! I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HIM!! BUT YOU HAVE TO LET IT GO! YOU WILL BE OK! Time heals all, and YOU DESERVE A MAN THAT IS TRUE COMMITTED TO YOU AND NOT WEAK NOT SELFISH! You can and will make it through, you have pride, and dignity, don't allow him to manipulate you anymore!
God bless you! That song "I will Survive" is so true! He will regret it later on in his life, but you should not have to pay for his selfishness now. MOVE ON! END IT you are wasting time that you could be spending with the man of your dreams!
I Wish You Love,
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyea its over now. Hes not ready for the commitment with me and I realize now that I need to move on. Thanks for everyones insights.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (24 December 2007):
 Your right love does play a major role. It's not being in love with him. That's a small part of it, it's love for yourself. I'm someone who was cheated on multiple times by my ex-wife. I realized I kept giving her changes because for some reason I condoned being hurt by her as being just part of life. It's not. I now don't condone cheating. First offense, their gone. No reason why they did it needed. It doesn't matter how I may feel about them or how much I would love to stay with them, the way I feel about myself and what I'm willing to endure in a relationship and what I'm not is why I can't. Also I look at the restraint part of relationships. Everyone has opportunities to cheat, we run into people of the opposite sex daily. If we can't restrain ourself in a relationship, how can we trust that if problems arise need dealt with in an adult fashion that we'll be able to restrain during the hard times.
It's also a major lack of respect. He doesn't respect himself or you. Someone who really is in tune with themselves and what they'll do and not do, have a greater level of respect for the person their with. Even if the temptation is there, he should have thought ahead about how this act would affect you and what the after affects could hold.
I hope everything works out for you. i'll say, if he didn't have respect for you before, six months in the military isn't going to change that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI decided to be a bigger person and forget about these past acts. I told him we will remain friends but last night, I gave in and had sex with him. I know.. dumb move. He's leaving in a week back to the service. I won't see him for 6 months and if I decide to end it all now, I probably won't see him ever again.Last night, we went to his best friends Xmas party and the first girl he cheated on me with happens to be there. It was pretty awkward at first but I didnt let it bother the rest of my night. He told me it was a bad mistake and that he hates her personality. I can tell he didn't like her and he aplogized because he knew I was in an awkward position.Since the breakup and confession, we talked a lot. He ended up confessing that he did "sort-of" have sex with the last girl. He said he stuck it in twice and some thing came over him so he stopped. He realized it was just was wrong. Finding this out really hurted but Im glad everything is now out in the open air NOW.Like I said, we've been talking a lot, every single day about this. I asked him if he loved me and if he would ever do this again. He said he loved me and he will never hurt me again like he did in the past. He sounded quite sincere about it and Im positive he knows that hes a total scumbag for doing it all. I asked him why and he said because he's stupid, insecure, immature, and the list goes on and on. He said that I was beautiful inside and out and that he was lucky to ever have someone like me in his life but in the past, he was so insecure about that and that he wasn't strong mentally. I know the right thing to do is to walk away but I also know that walking away from someone you love is the hardest thing in the world to do.Do I give him a second chance or should I run away, far ,far away now before I get hurt again?My friends told me I will have no problem finding someone else because Im beautiful, smart, fun, and so low-maintenance that any guy would be lucky to have me but what they dont understand is that I have no longing to be with anyone else but him. One of my gf's suggested that I should just still be with him for the remainder of the week because she understands that it's hard while he's he here but once he leaves for the service again, that I should end it right before he goes. For now, I think that is what I am going to do but I just don;t know.....It's funny because when I watch TV or hear of women going back to their former cheating lovers, I would say.. she is so dumb, she's needs to just drop that and find a new one.Now, I know why it's so hard for these women to do that because LOVE plays a major role in deciding whether or not to let them go and for the most part, women choose to stay with the men because Love is so strong and so hard to let go of.I need some real genuine insight please....
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A
male
reader, leonard j, Douglas  +, writes (22 December 2007):
Any advice we give you,or anyone else gives you, won't help you,until you get some back-bone and say enough is enough,an kick his butt out
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A
male
reader, jm81690  +, writes (22 December 2007):
 He's cheated 4 times, I can tell you right now any guy that cheats 4 times isn't ready to settle down. Drunk or not, if you really like a girl no matter how drunk you are you have a mental block against going with someone else.
Sounds to me like he's in it for lust not love, you deserve better than that, dump him and move on.
I can almost guarantee if it's happened 4 times, it'll happen 5 times eventually.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (22 December 2007):
I think you could do much better than this guy. He says it happens when he's drunk? OK, so if he knows that, why does he put himself into situations he knows this would happen. I generally don't see being drunk as an excuse for cheating.
Cheating is a very disrespectful act. Those who cheat, no matter what their excuse is, do not have respect for the person they are with or the feelings they hurt.
Cheating is cheating, the sex part is not all that cheating is. It's all unfaithful acts. Don't take BS excuses from anyone who cheats. Even though you've liked him for a long time, you don't deserve to be hurt by liking someone.
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