A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend cheated on his ex girlfriend twice and he has openly told me. He went on holiday and had sex with a girl while sober. He then lied to his ex girlfriend about it and made up a story about someone kissing him and him not knowing how to respond to cover up about him having sex while on holiday.He cheated on her a second time while out one night by kissing and making out with another girl.He never told his ex girlfriend about this. He only told me because I over heard his friends talking about it.He always tells me he doesnt understand why I get upset knowing he has cheated on his girlfriend before me and doesnt think it is a big deal because he 'loves' me and would never cheat on me.Do I have reason to worry that he could cheat on me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok I am the person who wrote this question, and i also want to say that im worried in a way because i have been hurt in the past by cheating. I had an ex boyfriend before the boyfriend I am currently with, and my ex also cheated on me with both men and women so I already have trust issues. Im just worried this makes me worry more about my new boyfriend he does treat me like a princess I am scared I am overreacting to what he has told me because of my past relationship. And i believe strongly once a cheat always a cheat, even though I dont want to believe this about my boyfriend. He hasnt done anything for me to suspect or even think he would cheat on me but because of what hes told me about his past its hard to trust. Is this normal.?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): "Once a cheater, always a cheater."
Well, not really true is it. That's like saying "Once a liar, always a liar.", or "Once a thief, always a thief.", or "Once a saint, always a saint."....
The truth is more complex.
More like, "Once anything, always means nothing."
However, he says one thing I'd consider worrisome, and that is that he doesn't understand why you'd be upset. That is a red flag for him not really understanding the hurt he has caused.
If he doesn't understand that, then move on, because you don't want to be there when the pain comes falling.
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (8 October 2010):
 I wouldn't trust him. Once a cheater, always a cheater they say. He made the call that while sober he'd go have sex with some other girl. The big red flags are, 1) he was sober, so his choice wasn't some foggy drunken thing. 2) he lied and lied and lied to her, rather than coming clean. Meaning he didn't regret it, and he didn't feel like what he did was wrong. 3) he cheated on her AGAIN. 4) he's minimizing your feelings. You expressed concern over this and rather than trying to reassure you, he basically said it wasn't a big deal. He probably doesn't think it's a big deal to cheat either. I'd be very wary of this one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): I wouldn't trust him. People who cheat tend to do it again. He probably told his ex he loved her too. Just as well you found out sooner than later.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (8 October 2010):
 If it were only a one time thing, I would have suggested giving him a chance, perhaps if he were drunk the second time I would have suggested the same thing but, he did the both while he was sober. What really urges me to tell you to leave him is the fact that he waited until you had heard from others about his promiscuous past. Obviously, there is no casual, soft way to tell one's partner that they cheated on their ex before but, he should have at least tried, at least to let you know so that things like this would not happen. It would be a sign that you could trust him. But this is not what he did, instead he waited.
He probably never actually thought that he would have cheated on the other girl if he did 'love' her. He probably does not believe he would cheat on you either but things happen. To be honest though, everyone carries a risk of cheating. The honest husband will always have at least one moment where he doubts and he is tempted. Whether he acts on it or not, defines the strength of his love for his wife. The loving wife will face the same challenges, no matter how happy they are together, one will always carry the risk of cheating.
Be aware and be careful. You know that there is a large risk, a calculated risk. There is no garauntee that he will cheat on YOU. People change. Whether he has gone through that change is what you should worry about.
Wherever you choose to bring your relationship from here, with this information, ensure that you are ready for whatever happens. You can bring it to a swift end or you can carry on with it, placing a certain amount of trust in his faithfullness. Just don't expect to never be confronted with a lie.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (8 October 2010):
 Did he not 'love' his ex gf?? Yet he cheated on her - chances are that he is going to cheat on you too.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 October 2010):
 Yes he could.
Maybe he "loved " the other girl too, when they were together, no ?
And even if he did not love her, - he had led her to believe that they were exclusive and monogamous, while it wasn't so.
One who does not accept or aknowledge moral obligations- just does not, love or no love.
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