A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So here's the thing, I moved in with a girl who had a spare room. She seemed pretty cool and all that and we got along for while, and I began involving her in my life, letting her come out with me and shop with me, everything friends do. And after about 2 months my boyfriend (of four years, whom I'm very close to) started staying over alot, he and my roomate both smoke, and I noticed this pattern...he'd go out for a smoke, and shed drop what she was doing and invite herself out to. He used to buy food and shed eat it without asking him because she though it was ok, and he'd pay for her cigarettes every so often...basically she was asking him to do things one would only do for their partner. Now I confronted him about it, and we had so many fights over it because I would say SHE LIKES YOU CANT YOU SEE THAT! and he would brush it off and say I was paranoid etc, so he said OK I wont be alone with her anymore, but it kept going, the fights the going out for cigarettes with her, I was getting more and more angry and upset and my patience with him wore really thin, so I got a bit moody for a few weeks. He told me that my moodyness was becoming a problem, I said look Im sorry I just get jelous and shes manipualting you and I can see it but I cant prove it. Then one night, my partner and my roomate and I were going to a club together. We got there to the door and we paid our cover charges, then my partner realised he didnt have any money, so he came to me when I just started hanging out with all my friends and said We're going to the ATM (we meaning him and my roomate) do you want to come? And I said NO I just got here you dont have to go now, and their like fine so they left. I look at my watch ONE HOUR later, they arent back, havent tried calling, so I called them, they said they were lost, I said to my partner Look Im SOOOO mad right now, dont even bother coming back. Usually when I say that he would have come back, but 2 hrs later...no sign of him, so I called again and I said where are you, he was with my roomate and a bunch of her friends, I said Look come back I need to talk to you. So about 2hrs later he turns back up at my club, hes was angry, I said why dont you understand how this made me feel? He said I was paranoid. I said I was sorry and asked him to come back into my club with me and he said NO Im going home, and he left. I called my roomates phone 2 hrs later, and I said where's Shawn? (my partner) and she said Hes here with me. I was furious, she put him on the phone and I begged him to come back and I said Why did you lie to me you said you were just going home! Please come back here and come home with me now, he was mad and he was liek NO! and he wouldnt tell me where he was and he said he didnt want to walk back up to where I was etc. So I just got a cab back to my house and waited up all night hoping hed come back there. No show...infact...my roomate didnt show either. Then I found out from her boyfriend the enxt day at like lunch time that she went home with Shawn. I went straight around to his house, banged on the door, he opens the door, he looked shocked, I see her sitting on the couch in her undies wearing his shirt. He told me he didnt want to see me again, he said Ive been a bitch lately and he doesnt want it anymore. After hours of my tears and talking (on his driveway, he wouldnt let me inside) he told me to leave. I left, I went home, I tried calling him when I got home as I was so upset, it was around 7pm by the time I got home, his phone was off and my roomate wasnt home yet, for 3 days after, she didnt turn up home and she wasnt talking to her boyfriend, and their phones were off, I ended up finding out she stayed there at his house for 4days. They had both even come around to my place while I wasnt home to pick up her stuff and his stuff hed left there. After a few weeks, he and I began to see each other again, not date but just spend alot of time together. We ended up becomming close,, he admited that she was manipulating him and he was sorry (I had moved out of my roomates house by this stage) and then about 2 weeks ago we got back together. And come last night, I looked at a convo with one of his mates on msn from the beginning of last month.. now all this time he told me "I didnt do anything with her im not like that", and hes not like that, I believed him....then on this convo I read he was lieing to me, he DID have sex with her, i called him and I said Look I know about it, just stop lieing and admitt it. He went silent, then he admitted "We did it once, the night I brang her home from the club", I told him I felt suicidal about it and he ran over to my house to talk. His excuse was that both him and her were high on ecstacy, she kissed him while they were dancing at a club...20mins later they went home to his place, she apparently insisted it was ok to share his bed, then as he said "Their legs touched, and then they started kissing and she took his undies off and things went from there". He also says he couldnt get it up because he was on drugs but they still did something, but he doesnt remember much of it.He was never like this before her, we were SO close, inseperable. I dont understand how he could have done this to me and I'm so confused I dont know what to do, can I forgive this? Can I get over this? When he touches me all I can see is a picture in my head of him touching her. What can I do? I feel like dieing :(*Fake names used to express clearly.
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drugs, got back together, his ex, kissing, money, moved in, moved out, msn Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (12 November 2007):
 she wanted him from the start and you and your byfriend played into her plan perfectly. But remeber there is a term in economics called sunk costs which refers to the costs that a business has already put in that cannot be recouped. now if the business puts in more money but the likelihood of future profit and financial security is very low then in spite of the sunk costs its better to leave the market than waste more cash investing because of all the sunk costs lost already.
The business is your relationship
The sunk costs are four years together and the emotional investment
The future profits and finacial security are your future hapiness and emotional security
Do you see how things are? if it was me i would leave as this ship has sailed and sunk and there ain't no treasure on this ocean floor
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2007): Well Firstly,Have tried ecstasy several times,I can say it really give feeling of empathy and all loving,BUt surely that doesnt work for 4 days! Secondly,if he was on ecstasy why he didnt shared that moment of feeling "enormous Love" with you?
I would not take his excuse seriously at all.One could make silly things when high I agree,but its not reliable excuse at all for 4 days away.ANd you was calling him that night,so cannot say ecstasy made him not noticing that.Honestly he wanted to try her in bed and Thats It!And after maybe concluded that she is not for him.But i will ask myself if this would not happen again!?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2007): I know how silly it is to go back on something like this, this was the ultimate betrayal, and this hasnt really happened to me before because hes been my only boyfriend the past 4 years and before that I only had one silly little high school boyfriend (I'm almost 20 now).
We've always been so close because our parents have known each other since THEY were kids and he even held me when I was a baby, then years later his mum got in contact with my dad and they stared dating then we met and just sort of clicked. He's never once displayed behaviour like this, its very out of the ordinary, hes seen his mum go through stuff like this and hes very protective and hates seeing men hurt women.
I'm just shocked as to how THIS could happen, it's just not him :S
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2007): I can't tell you what to do, but just know that i feel awful for you. I hope you find some peace of mind and someone to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I've been there, and i know how it feels to be hurt so much by someone you love so much that you want to die. I've felt the same way many times. I wantyou know that me, someone half across the world, cares very much about what's happening and I would like to know how you are doing. Update please and i hope you are doing alright after what you've been through.
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (9 November 2007):
 Are you serious? This guy dumps you for four days, doesn't let you come into his house where this other girl is in her undies and his t shirt while you are crying in the garage and you took him back?
I am usually less aggressive on my reply's but this is flat out an insult. Why would you let him treat you this way? Why did he stay with her for four days? Because she was afraid of you? Maybe they were just on a cigarette break... from you!! I mean, there is no reasonable excuse for his actions, according to me of course. So, now that he knows he can treat you however he feels like it, what kind of relationship do you expect to have?
Maybe you should just go back to your roommates apartment and live like threes company. I am sorry... I just don't get it! Not my ideal of a loving and RESPECTFUL relationship!
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (9 November 2007):
 First I want you to understand something. No suicide talk. Over a boy, come one. What boy is really worth that.
It's up to you if you forgive him. It's hard when you trust someone and they do this. This guy is really a looser. I'm not using that in a past tense form either.
You're going to believe he only did it the one night, yet she stayed with him for how many days. If that doesn't have (lie) written all over it... This girl I know walked in while her boyfriend was getting oral sex on the couch, his comment, "It's not what it looks like" She said when you figure out what it looks like come tell me. I remember this time I heard that a guy told his girlfriend "It was an accident" She said "so you were both naked and you just kind of tripped on top of her." You need to learn to read between the lines.
Why do you choose him anyway. He's a druggie. Do you want to have kids and say, "why don't you go join daddy for some extacy?"
I'm going to tell you this from a guys view, not just a psychological view. I've known many men who cheat. When they leave to an ATM for an hour, when they decide to stay somewhere else instead of joining you, he planned on taking her up on her advances when they first left. This isn't something that just happened. And when a girl is sitting on the couch with his shirt on and just in panties, they weren't playing cards. If it were me, I'd dump the looser, and find someone who can overcome temptation even if it's offered.
I feel sorry for you in this situation. Thousands have been in a position to make a decision that you need to make. It's not the end of the world. I hope if you're not with the looser, the next guy your with treats you so well, it will make up for the crap this one put you through.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (9 November 2007):
First I want you to understand something. No suicide talk. Over a boy, come one. What boy is really worth that.
It's up to you if you forgive him. It's hard when you trust someone and they do this. This guy is really a looser. I'm not using that in a past tense form either.
You're going to believe he only did it the one night, yet she stayed with him for how many days. If that doesn't have (lie) written all over it... This girl I know walked in while her boyfriend was getting oral sex on the couch, his comment, "It's not what it looks like" She said when you figure out what it looks like come tell me. I remember this time I heard that a guy told his girlfriend "It was an accident" She said "so you were both naked and you just kind of tripped on top of her." You need to learn to read between the lines.
Why do you choose him anyway. He's a druggie. Do you want to have kids and say, "why don't you go join daddy for some extacy?"
I'm going to tell you this from a guys view, not just a psychological view. I've known many men who cheat. When they leave to an ATM for an hour, when they decide to stay somewhere else instead of joining you, he planned on taking her up on her advances when they first left. This isn't something that just happened. And when a girl is sitting on the couch with his shirt on and just in panties, they weren't playing cards. If it were me, I'd dump the looser, and find someone who can overcome temptation even if it's offered.
I feel sorry for you in this situation. Thousands have been in a position to make a decision that you need to make. It's not the end of the world. I hope if you're not with the looser, the next guy your with treats you so well, it will make up for the crap this one put you through.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (9 November 2007):
First I want you to understand something. No suicide talk. Over a boy, come one. What boy is really worth that.
It's up to you if you forgive him. It's hard when you trust someone and they do this. This guy is really a looser. I'm not using that in a past tense form either.
You're going to believe he only did it the one night, yet she stayed with him for how many days. If that doesn't have (lie) written all over it... This girl I know walked in while her boyfriend was getting oral sex on the couch, his comment, "It's not what it looks like" She said when you figure out what it looks like come tell me. I remember this time I heard that a guy told his girlfriend "It was an accident" She said "so you were both naked and you just kind of tripped on top of her." You need to learn to read between the lines.
Why do you choose him anyway. He's a druggie. Do you want to have kids and say, "why don't you go join daddy for some extacy?"
I'm going to tell you this from a guys view, not just a psychological view. I've known many men who cheat. When they leave to an ATM for an hour, when they decide to stay somewhere else instead of joining you, he planned on taking her up on her advances when they first left. This isn't something that just happened. And when a girl is sitting on the couch with his shirt on and just in panties, they weren't playing cards. If it were me, I'd dump the looser, and find someone who can overcome temptation even if it's offered.
I feel sorry for you in this situation. Thousands have been in a position to make a decision that you need to make. It's not the end of the world. I hope if you're not with the looser, the next guy your with treats you so well, it will make up for the crap this one put you through.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (9 November 2007):
First I want you to understand something. No suicide talk. Over a boy, come one. What boy is really worth that.
It's up to you if you forgive him. It's hard when you trust someone and they do this. This guy is really a looser. I'm not using that in a past tense form either.
You're going to believe he only did it the one night, yet she stayed with him for how many days. If that doesn't have (lie) written all over it... This girl I know walked in while her boyfriend was getting oral sex on the couch, his comment, "It's not what it looks like" She said when you figure out what it looks like come tell me. I remember this time I heard that a guy told his girlfriend "It was an accident" She said "so you were both naked and you just kind of tripped on top of her." You need to learn to read between the lines.
Why do you choose him anyway. He's a druggie. Do you want to have kids and say, "why don't you go join daddy for some extacy?"
I'm going to tell you this from a guys view, not just a psychological view. I've known many men who cheat. When they leave to an ATM for an hour, when they decide to stay somewhere else instead of joining you, he planned on taking her up on her advances when they first left. This isn't something that just happened. And when a girl is sitting on the couch with his shirt on and just in panties, they weren't playing cards. If it were me, I'd dump the looser, and find someone who can overcome temptation even if it's offered.
I feel sorry for you in this situation. Thousands have been in a position to make a decision that you need to make. It's not the end of the world. I hope if you're not with the looser, the next guy your with treats you so well, it will make up for the crap this one put you through.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (9 November 2007):
First I want you to understand something. No suicide talk. Over a boy, come one. What boy is really worth that.
It's up to you if you forgive him. It's hard when you trust someone and they do this. This guy is really a looser. I'm not using that in a past tense form either.
You're going to believe he only did it the one night, yet she stayed with him for how many days. If that doesn't have (lie) written all over it... This girl I know walked in while her boyfriend was getting oral sex on the couch, his comment, "It's not what it looks like" She said when you figure out what it looks like come tell me. I remember this time I heard that a guy told his girlfriend "It was an accident" She said "so you were both naked and you just kind of tripped on top of her." You need to learn to read between the lines.
Why do you choose him anyway. He's a druggie. Do you want to have kids and say, "why don't you go join daddy for some extacy?"
I'm going to tell you this from a guys view, not just a psychological view. I've known many men who cheat. When they leave to an ATM for an hour, when they decide to stay somewhere else instead of joining you, he planned on taking her up on her advances when they first left. This isn't something that just happened. And when a girl is sitting on the couch with his shirt on and just in panties, they weren't playing cards. If it were me, I'd dump the looser, and find someone who can overcome temptation even if it's offered.
I feel sorry for you in this situation. Thousands have been in a position to make a decision that you need to make. It's not the end of the world. I hope if you're not with the looser, the next guy your with treats you so well, it will make up for the crap this one put you through.
...............................
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