A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:okay, so here goes.trying to condense a long story, i dated a guy for five years, engaged for two, and a month before the wedding he decided to tell me he had been cheating on me for two months with a girl he knew from work.obviously my family hated him after this (to the point where my father said if i got back with him he wouldnt support any part of the relationship whatsoever) and because of the situation i broke up with him.i started dating another guy three months ago, my family loves him, most of my friends like him and hes really good to me.problem is, i cant stop thinking about my ex, and i know he totally regrets the entire decision, hes never cheated before, claims he could never do it again. and i dont honestly think he would.so i suppose my question is, do i stay with this guy im with, and keep everyone happy? living a comfortable and safe life, or do i go back to my ex and know im happy even if it isnt safe? i know alot of people say "follow your heart" but id really like some more in depth advice.... thank you so much for reading my novel haha
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (17 November 2010):
Hi there. Many would say - "Once a cheater, always a cheater".
This isn't always true. There are many different reasons why a man cheats on his woman.
It's usually more about him than anything the woman has ever done.
- Boredom (not with you, but with his life generally).
- Lack of fun in his life.
- Lack of balance in his life. Working long hours at work, or if it isn't that, it could be that his life has become all work and no play.
Doing all the things that have to be done, but not enough of the things he wants to do. This is especially true if outside of work, he doesn't do much with his life (apart from watch TV).
Not having any hobbies or interests that put some passion and spark back into his life. The things that makes life worth getting out of bed for in the morning.
Other things include -
- If he doesn't feel he has enough emotional closeness with you.
- If he doesn't feel special to you. Maybe you take each other for granted and have stopped doing nice things for each other.
In any case, it's very rarely about the sex itself. It's more a case of something "missing" in the relationship.
If you were to ever go back with him, there's nothing to say he won't do the same thing again. Of course there's nothing to say he will either.
But these things I mentioned above, play a pretty powerful part in why some men cheat.
No-one can tell you what you should do, however you do need to tread very carefully if you want to consider seeing your ex again in future.
You need to compare how you feel about this new man against what you felt for your ex. Don't just think about their physical looks. Instead, really think about the whole package -
- personality
- sense of humour
- level of respect shown towards you
- consideration of your feelings
- how they speak to you (their tone of voice)
- do you really listen to each other when you talk?
- how well do you get along generally?
- can you talk easily to each other about anything and everything?
- Are you comfortable and happy in each other's company?
- Are you taken to nice places and have money spent on you?
- Is there any problems of jealousy and insecurity with either of them?
You might think of a whole lot of other things as well, but these above points are pretty important.
When you think about all these things, it might help you to make a more informed decision.
Don't be swayed by what your father said, but take it into consideration very seriously. Your father just doesn't want to see you hurt again. He is thinking of you when he said this. He wants the best for you and nothing less.
You need to want the best for yourself and accept nothing less. Don't let anyone mistreat you or take you for granted. You deserve better.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): Yes. He is the one alrite. The one that cheated. Once a cheat always a cheat.
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