A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay. So me and my boyfriend been together for 8 months. We are very much in love and are the best things that ever happened to each other. The whole 8months of our relationship so far we've been keeping everything faithful and we trust each other. A few days ago he tells me that a girl that he only had sex with twice is pregnant by him. He says he dont think its his and shes just a random girl who he had sex with the first day they met. I'm asking him how far pregnant is she, but he does'nt tell me. So a couple days ago I get a text mesg from his mother, her asking me to forgive him and make him b honest. I told her ill b by his side because it obviously was a mistake. They had sex while they were drunk and intoxicated and he cares nothing about this girl or the baby to b honestSo after I talk to his mom he calls me and tells me the truth. He cheated on me last month and the girl's just telling him she's pregnant. He blocked her on face book and everything And he says if he has to choose over me or the baby it'll b me. On my behalf I'm very hurt becuz he's always told he he'll never hurt me or cheat on me, this the first time he did something like this now look where we're at. Should I continue to trust him over this one mistake thatll cause issues in our relationship even if hes really sorry. He's afraid I will leave him and he's doing anything to keep me right now. What do I do? I really love him and willing to stick with him through the situation even if he decides to play a part in this child's life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2010): After all the posters have said it's not worth it and he blew all his chances, you've persisted in saying it is worth it, because one couple you know stuck it out, and his mother and family(except him, obviously) live a "godly" lifestyle.
You're downplaying and therefore defending his twice cheating on you, even though the only reason he came out about it was because he knew that trying to hide raising a baby with her would be alot more difficult to hide.
So in resisting each answer everyone gave you telling you to end it with him, you've chosen your path and answered your own question. At least listen to what your own instincts are telling you then, and remember what you said in your first reply that quote, "Eventually I will not be able to deal but for now I'm going to see how things go.", before you completely go through with that path. You can't debate instincts, because eventually they prove themselves right, even if it takes years..
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 October 2010):
 Sweetheart, if it's his child, he doesn't have a choice. He either is a man, who steps up to his financial and parental responsibilities or he's one of those guys who gets chased by the legal system and his wages garnished to pay child support. There's no choice about his financial obligations.
You've been with this guy for 8 months. You're not married, you haven't taken a vow of 'for better or worse'. Your boyfriend has in these 8 months shown himself to be a cheater, a liar, a drunk with zero judgement and a guy willing to walk away from an infant child. I get the forgiveness thing, but I certainly wouldn't tie myself to a guy who has demonstrated so many character flaws. Forgive, wish him well and hope everything turns out for him. Maybe give him a year to prove he's not habitual about any of these things, but I would take myself straight to the doctor's to make sure I hadn't caught some lovely STIs, I would wait and watch to see how things play out, and I most certainly wouldn't tie my family to a guy who has some serious judgment problems just yet.
But that's just me. You can make your own decision, if you feel the potential gain outweighs the current heartbreak, then go for him. There are just so many guys out there who don't have the baggage this 20 year old has managed to accrue in just one year.
Has he stopped drinking and getting high? Is he saving money? How will you know if he's stopped lying? You said "he's always told he he'll never hurt me or cheat on me" but his actions are the complete opposite of that promise. Anyone can promise anything. Actions are what you should be focusing on now. A guy who tries to delete a baby from his life by blocking a girl on facebook isn't exactly a knight in shining armor. He's kind of a pathetic figure. Words are cheap.
I've given you my analysis and recommendations, they seem harsh to you, I know. I just wouldn't want to see anyone I knew treated in such a shabby way, no matter how 'godly' the family.
Best wishes for you in your decision. Sorry he's made it such a tough one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2010): Thank you Tisha. That was very well put. I was looking for a right way to say all that, but you hit the nail on the head in every way :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCorrect. But for one. Your right shes not random if that's the case. He didn't plan for them to have intercourse again nor did he ever think he was gone see this girl again. For two, he is doing as much fighting as he can to get me to stay with him there's no "fun" in this at all because he feeks like the lowest person in the world right now and his mother was just trying to help. She was just trying to get me to look at it in a forgiving way because she knows how her son feels about me and he's afraid I will leave him so she tried to add a little enrichment so i can second guess to cutting him off. What his responsibility is with this baby is his problem when its born because then he will have to own up if he chooses to. By the way, not everyone goes through court procedures cuz it takes too long, and they usually don't get what they want out of it anyways. And yes I know a MARRIED couple that been through this. Husband cheated, wife stayed and yes to this day he is taking care of his 5yr old son with his wife still by his side.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 October 2010):
She's not random. He's had sex with her twice in a year. That's not random. Random is once, then never again. Random isn't a month ago, 7 months into a relationship, after having done it once before that.
And he doesn't have much choice about being in this baby's life. He MADE this baby. He is responsible for this child now, financially at the very least. It doesn't matter whether or not he's there for this toddler's first steps, or first tooth or potty training, or the first day of kindergarten. He's now responsible for providing for the baby's future, whether or not he's a part of the daily life of the baby.
This girl may have wanted to sleep with him but he didn't fight too hard, twice, now did he?
As far as testing goes, yeah, I suppose relationships do get tested. It's just funny that he gets to have all the 'fun' and you get to be the one who has to overlook things. Especially as he's now on the hook for $500-$750/month for the next 18 years. That might make buying a home together a bit tough for you two. It'll certainly put a dent in his beer and pot budget. Not to mention when it comes time to babysit or when visitation rights are decided by the court.
The interesting line in your last post for me was this: "He really wants me to break up with him and he says he wants to be with me but he don't want me to be with him." He actually isn't ready to be with you, I think. He's doing his damnedest to do things that will make you split up with him. His mother is the one hanging on. He's just along for the ride, a less-than-interested spectator.
So you know another couple where he slept with another girl, then dated his wife-to-be, then slept with that other girl again, and got that other girl pregnant, then married his now wife? And everyone is happy, including the child? No one has any problem with booze or drugs? How old is that child now? Does that child have stable parenting?
Look. This guy sounds like a crappy bet. You can decide to give him another chance, but it sounds like it's his mother who's doing the fighting. It sounds like he's actually happy to let things go.
A child isn't some minor distraction in his life. A child is a human being who deserves the best care, parenting, schools, home, food, nurture that life can offer. Like it or not, your boyfriend is going to be a father, and that is an irreversible condition if he has an iota of honor.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2010): Yes, give him another chance to knock up another 18 year old... I'd beat him with a skillet while he was asleep and give him a chance to wake up...Are you CRAZY?
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reader, SweetindianGirl +, writes (2 October 2010):
Dont. not worth it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2010): if the girl is pregnant, they're already a family. If he's any kind of man at all, he will be in that childs life and be a father to it, not just financially. So, at 19 years of age, can you see yourself 5 years from now, maried to him, with your own babies...Christmas, does he go to her house to spend time with his firstborn, and are you sitting home wondering if he's cheating again?
When his first child gets sick and one of your kids is sick as well...where do his loyalties lie?
You're way too young to put yourself in this predicament.
And, once a cheater, always a cheater, do you want to hurt for the rest of your life wondering every time he leaves if he's cheating on you.
Put on your big girls panties and kick this guy out of your life for good!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo let you guys know. The girl he got pregnant is just random. The first time they had sex was the first tine they met a year back. They didn't talk after that until she showed up at a party he had in August. That's when they had sex again. This girl is someone he cared nothing about so there's no possibility that he would be with her, care for her or end up as a family
He doesn't even want to b in this child's life due to the fact that she's the mother but that wouldn't be right. I do think he should b in the child's life and he don't have to b by her side through her pregnancy which I know he isn't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2010): Hypothetically, if my wife cheated and she got pregnant by someone else, I would never take her back, so do you really want him running to her place having a second family life that only you were supposed to have with him, either?
Later on, he can make things really complicated and psychologically damaging for you if he wants to, depending if he wants to use that as leverage for future changes with her or you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell I'm 19. He's 20 and the girl who's pregnant is 18. I mean, I know we do love each other a lot and he tells me himself, he says I deserve better and he doesn't wanna put me through this because he know he's messed up big time. He really wants me to break up with him and he says he wants to be with me but he don't want me to be with him. But I just want to b by his side I'm the only one he has for real. The crazy thing is, ive never had to deal with other females in our relationship. He has never looked at another girl nor talked to one while I was around that's why its unbelievable how he gets high and drunk and let another girl seduce him. I always read what his mother text me to make me feel better
She says the best relationships are tested and if me n his relationship is going to be built on trust from now until, for me to have a forgiving heart and allow him to tell me the truth and his mom doesn't usually get involved in his business because they barely talk. At first he didn't tell me everything but after he talk to his mom I guess she told him what he really had to do. Just keep it real with me. But I don't know. Because I know a married couple who's been in this situation and are still happy to this day. Do you guys think age affects the situation in a Certain way?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 October 2010):
And how did I forget problem number 4? Alcohol. He has a major issue with alcohol.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thank you guys for your answers so far. I do agree that he is being immature due to the fact that he is willing to not take care of this baby(if it's his) because i told him that is what he will have to do with or without me. He did talk to the girl when she first told him and he told her that she is not someone he would want to have a child by and that he wasnt going to help her. I do see that as wrong because even though she was just a random girl he should've used protection or not even cheated on me in the first place. ALCOHOL ISNT AN EXCUSE he and I both know that. Also if it was me to get pregnant he would b by my side 100% because he wanted me to be the mother of his first child. But due to this mistake he made he did put my trust on the line and i know he wouldntve told me if she wouldve never got pregnant. He is much of a liar in my eyes because hes a cheater and it did hurt me the most because this girl is pregnant and he didnt use protection. His mom tried to help him out because she know how he really feels about me and by them being a godly family she believes that i should let him redeem himself. Eventually i will not be able to deal but for now im going to see how things go. Im still young and have a life to live. He's always telling me he want to be with me for the rest of his life but i dont know. I just look at him a whole different way now.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 October 2010):
This is an 8 month relationship, is that right? If you were my friend, I'd be advising you cut him loose, for several reasons.
One, he's a cheater.
Two, he's a liar.
Three, he's prepared to try to get out of his responsibilities as a parent.
Put those together, and you have a guy with some serious character flaws. He might be handsome and charming, but he's basically proven himself untrustworthy, and in what should be your honeymoon-type period.
He might be weak-willed. He might be selfish. He might not think of you much when his libido is aroused by someone else. My guess is you wouldn't be able to trust him for very long. His own mother is imploring you to make him be honest. Now, that's pathetic, when you think about it. His own mother knows he's a rat.
So let's say you get pregnant. He's already demonstrated he's willing to walk away from his own child. What if things don't go well between you down the road? Will he up and leave you, shirking yet another responsibility?
This guy needs some time to grow up, that's the best you can hope for with his current track record. The worst of course is that he becomes a serial cheater and liar and irresponsible baby-maker. Babies are very expensive to raise, you know. He'll be liable for child support up until that baby is 18. What are we looking at here? Experts say it's between $200,000 and $250,000, more for college on top of that. So what do we have there, let's call it roughly $11,000 to $14,000 per year for this child. He'll be liable for at least half of that, so we're talking at least $500 minimum per month for that child until that child is 18. He'll probably have to pay more than that, but that's roughly what he's looking at. Then there's medical insurance, and medical bills, which would be coming out of his work paycheck or his pocket as well.
So right now, you've got a guy with an honesty problem, an integrity problem, and a major financial problem. Hm. What would a smart cookie think about that?
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reader, samismiles  +, writes (1 October 2010):
No matter what he says the trust you had together has been abused and broken...he has no right treating you like that and by the sounds of it there's a lot of pressure on you to solve the situation...you deserve someone who won't even look at another woman...no matter how much i love my boyfriend...we've ben together 2 years...if he cheated on me...not to mention got someone else pregnant i'd never be able to trust him again...and, since trust is the one thing in a relationship that should be constant...i'd see no other option than to break up. To get an idea of how serious this relationship is could you please let me know the ages of you, your boyfriend and this woman he got pregnant. As different levels of seriousness warrant slightly different reactions. Example being young and in this situation get out straight away you have no ties...but if you're all a bit older and live together things can be a bit trickier...whatever you decide though make sure you don't just stay with him because you love him...that is never enough...good luck i hope whatever happens you're happy.
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reader, happy24birthday +, writes (1 October 2010):
 Dump him now. It will only get worse, and you will wake up one day and wish you had left him long ago.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 October 2010):
 Aw i dont think you should trust this guy. At the end of the day he didnt even tell you he cheated on you until he found out she was carrying his child, so there could be plenty of other times he cheated and you just never found out. However if you want to continue with this relationship that is your choice but do you really think its ok for him to say he would chose you and have nothing to do with the baby? that is just awful, that is a poor innocent child and its wrong. he sounds very immature and he has to start taking responsibilty for this child, he needs to be a dad and he will also need to pay maintenance, am sorry but you want the truth and thats it. if you want to become a step mom then so be it, but can you really trust this guy? If i were you i would get rid of him, sorry darling but he doesnt love you a lot if he sleeps with another girl, and alcohol is no excuse. And he obviously wasnt very safe if he got her pregnant so i would also go and get checked for sti's
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reader, aunt honesty +, writes (1 October 2010):
Aw i dont think you should trust this guy. At the end of the day he didnt even tell you he cheated on you until he found out she was carrying his child, so there could be plenty of other times he cheated and you just never found out. However if you want to continue with this relationship that is your choice but do you really think its ok for him to say he would chose you and have nothing to do with the baby? that is just awful, that is a poor innocent child and its wrong. he sounds very immature and he has to start taking responsibilty for this child, he needs to be a dad and he will also need to pay maintenance, am sorry but you want the truth and thats it. if you want to become a step mom then so be it, but can you really trust this guy? If i were you i would get rid of him, sorry darling but he doesnt love you a lot if he sleeps with another girl, and alcohol is no excuse.
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