A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:im 36 with three kids under 10. ive been married for 11 years. my husband about a year and a half ago signed up on ashley madison .com. i found his profile three days after he signed up. at that time i also found out that he was talking to his exgirlfriend. yes this is a deal breaker to me, i want a divorce so bad. i told him i wanted him out of the house, his parents live down the road and i have no place to go, my parents passed away. he will not leave and tells me that he will never leave this house. he is very controlling. it took me a long time to see how psychologically immature and twisted he truely is... and what a mess ive been sitting in. For the past year, ive mourned over the marriage that has lasted this long and produced three innocent kids who deserve better. i have been trying to figure out "how" to do this with three kids on my own, but i am stuck and scared on so many levels. just last month, i found out on the cell phone bill that he called an escort twice in one day and she called back once..... of course he flat out denied it to my face.... i went to the court house, my papers all filled out, only to be denied by a "furlough" day (closed)....i thought for a second, its so close to christmas, i will wait until right after. it took me so very long to be this brave. now i find that i am dealing with this anger that he cheats and lies and i get "stuck" with even more responsibility as he will get his freedom and a schedule to see the kids every other week... not to meantion that it is "my" decision to get a divorce and mess up my kids life because of his inability to control himself and face responsibility for it. he never said he was sorry as he never admits to anything and pretends to be "father of the year" in town.... makes me want to vomit its sooo pathetic... I guess my question to everyone who has been there, done that (and i envy you) is how does a stay at home mom for 11 years, who is married to someone who needs help, move along with three kids confidently, strongly and independantly... ive never been so stagnant. :(
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 December 2010):
 Oh YEAH, AuntyEm, right on! Your story is fantastic!
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (5 December 2010):
 I agree 110% with youwish...you need to start formulating a plan and the first thing to get straight is your money, because without that you can't make a move. Confide in a few close friends who you can trust for support.
It's not going to be easy. My kids were 12 and 15 (so a bit younger than yours) when I decided I wanted out. It took me 2 years to save the intitial funding for my divorce. I got some free legal advice and made sure I had records of my husbands wages etc. I also found a job to help me along. I know this might be difficult for you, but even if you could get a friend to watch the kids for a few hours so you could get some bar work or in a shop.
I know how hard it looks from where you are, but you are in a pit of despair that is never going to change...so what choice do you have but to fight for your freedom. The kids will adapt, mine did, even though we had a couple of rough years.
I have been divorced for four years now, have my own home and have kept the job I took to get me out of my marriage. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I got there and I have never regretted the decision.
Don't worry about kids or access at this point, don't consider playing fair. You need money and a roof for you and the kids, then you need to cut the cord and sort the divorce and then you can sort out all the child arrangements.
Do not let his bullying and cheating push you down, let it fuel your determination to get away.
You are going to need favours from family and friends you trust, lean on those closest to you and fight with everything you have to get away.
I don't apologise for the passion I feel over your situation. I went through hell with mine but as Winston Churchill once said 'When you are going through hell...just keep going'
I wish you all the luck and will pray a little prayer that everything will fall into place to release you from the suffering.
AE xxx
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 December 2010):
Here's the way you get through it. There will be time to be angry or mourn what is lost. Now is the time to coldly plan your divorce and more importantly, your future after divorce.
Make your financial decisions regarding child care, your job, your living arrangements. If your husband is controlling, I assume he is also controlling the finances? If that his the case, get cracking on knowing EVERY SINGLE ASPECT of your finances. Your holdings, including anything hidden. Get a bank account in just your name and put some money into it little by little. You'll need that nest egg to leave him and set yourself up, as moving costs.
Big thing now is to shut off your emotions temporarily. Be cold, calculating, and ruthless. If you have a best friend or even a couple of friends, now is the time to lean on them. When you are tempted to crack up and lose your resolve, they'll hold you up emotionally and help you keep on track.
Finally, before you divorce, learn your rights in terms of spousal/child support and the dividing of assets. You want your ducks in a row. YOU are in control and not your cheating husband. Don't even think of his emotional abuse. Don't think of his mind games. SHUT HIM OUT of your consideration. He knows how to push your buttons. He knows how to keep you immobile. He knows how to manipulate you. Don't let him.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (5 December 2010):
My situation is similar, yet different, because I'm a full time working dad who finds himself a single father now. My ex-wife was a cheater and I dealt with the same mental torment that you feel. It sucks, I know, but time will heal your wounds.
Trust me, it will be better for you and even for your children once you get a divorce. I felt that my daughter was the innocent victim and that a divorce would adversely affect her childhood. It turned out that my concerns were overstated. Now that I'm living alone and happier than I've been in a very long time, the environment in the home is no longer toxic. The result is that her grades have picked up and I have a much stronger and closer relationship with her. She also gets to see her mom enough so that she doesn't feel she's "lost" either parent. Win-win.
My advice is to hold fast to your aim of obtaining a divorce, and to rebuild your life anew. Take the time your children will be with their father to reinvest in yourself. Join a gym, do the things you enjoy - whether it is reading, scrap booking, whatever. Life will get better once this is all behind you, and I really don't see any reason to try saving your marriage. Cheaters never change, and particularly those who deny their actions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): just do it, there is nothing more important than this right now, how can you be a good mother to your kids by setting this example, and by allowing yourself to be psychologically abused like this? do you have a friend or anyone at all that could take you in temporarily?
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