A
female
age
30-35,
*inkbunni3xz
writes:I'm posting here because I would appreciate someone's input on this.My boyfriend and I have been dating for several months now. I noticed this before but recently it's been bugging me a lot more. I'm pretty sensitive and emotional at times and I want a man who is understanding and gentle towards me. Everytime I suggest something is wrong or making me upset his reaction is pretty childish. He rolls his eyes and says "omg why are you so sensitive!? ARGHHHH *smacks table*". When he does that, it makes me shut down. Am I not allowed to say what's on my mind? Feelings are not rational. He tells me all the time that I'm over reacting. I know he's super sensitive to criticism and conflict but I feel like it's getting to a point where he shuts me up every time. He's pretty attentive and understanding about other things, just not anything related to him. I had a talk to him before where I just want to talk it out calmly and I need someone whose more gentle. I just need to be heard is all. I don't know where to go because I feel like if we keep this up, my resentment for him will keep building up, resulting in breakup. He's 30 already but his explosive remarks makes him still so childish.
View related questions:
his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2013): The more you criticize someone and try to change them, the less receptive they are going to be to your future criticisms.
Think about how you would feel if someone was always criticizing details about you and wanting you to change. At first you take their suggestions on board and change. But it doesn't stop the criticism from coming. Now it is something else they find fault in you and want you to change. So you change that. But still not good enough. Yet again they feel something new is wrong with you. Can you see how your bf may be experiencing this relationship and maybe why he is now so intolerant to hearing criticism about himself?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2013): I think the reason he tries to shut you up is because experience has shown that if allowed to continue you'll make things really unpleasant for him.
Being emotional is ok if it is not all the time. If its all the time it can feel very oppressive to the other person that you're taking things out on. You need to take care of your partner. For him that means he should be willing to listen and support you wihin reason. For you it means not over burdening him with all your problems all the time because of how oppressive it can get. Why not use your network of friends as a sounding board for some of the times you need support or need to vent and not always him all the time. For major issues then yes you can turn to him. But you shouldn't need to bring up everything you see or feel.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2013): Well the thing is that no one likes to have to be constantly subjected to criticisms about themselves. Its highly unpleasant to say the least. And maybe HIS resentment is building toward you if he feels that you're constantly wanting to critcize him?
If you find yourself always wanting to tell him to change something about himself - not just the part about him wanting to shut down the conversation bit the topic of the conversation itself - then you gotta ask yourself why. Are you just so incompatible that you are often unhappy? Are you inflexible?
In a relationship where one partner constantly finds fault with the other while the other just wants peace and to not have conflict, this type of dynamic can happen where the first person keeps trying to bring up the million problems they see and the second person gets worn down and feels helpless and so they try to then stop you in your tracks.
...............................
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (31 August 2013):
I think this is actually more common in more mature couples but there is a point where the couple eventually learns to listen to each other: although, it is not necessarily an age issue. If that point never comes then I think breaking up might be the best course of action. Also some guys like your boyfriend, just don't like listening to things about themselves. Guys feel like they are being attacked and the issues being brought up have no solutions to them so it only causes more frustration. Some guys can even consider it nagging and just like you said, overreactions. You would be unable to explain to him what he needs to do for you so he would need another guy to break it down for him. In the mean time you can keep trying to work on it and doing some research online. There is an interesting Youtube video labelled "Mark Gungor - Men's Brain Women's Brain" which can lighten the matter a bit. Maybe you can even show it to your boyfriend. Good luck to you both!
...............................
A
female
reader, MSA  +, writes (31 August 2013):
 How ironic, I know a guy, also from Canada and around the same age that has the same personality. We've stopped talking for over a month now.
He will never want to calmly talk to work out an issue. He will always say 'just forget it and let's move on', 'I forgive you'. It's never his fault, it's always yours. He cannot be criticized or 'accused' for doing anything wrong, because he is never wrong.
This relationship is not going to work, I'm sorry. Right now it can be that he cannot tolerate you being overly sensitive and emotional. What will be the next thing he cannot tolerate? Will it be your fault again? How long will this go on? The only way your relationship will work is if he is willing to work on it TOGETHER with you. You both need to talk it out, you need to let him know how is reactions to you is making you feel. He needs to understand and you BOTH work out a solution.
I suggest giving him one last chance. Write him a letter/text/email letting him know exactly how you feel and what you want. If he is willing to work on things with you, then I'd say give it another chance. If not, then although it will hurt a lot, please walk away.
"Happiness is not about finding the perfect person, it is finding that person willing to work together with you to achieve that almost perfect relationship" Best of luck to you!
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 August 2013):
 I agree with the others. It's a compatibility issue. You should be with someone who can handle how you react to things and how you express emotions.
Some people have a problem with dealing with emotional people because they believe that their emotionalism is their way of manipulating others. You've known people like that - they use screaming or tears or hair-trigger rage to get what they want. Many times, this reaction to emotionalism is a product of a mother who did this very thing - used crying, stomping off, silent treatment, shouting, dragging everything done wrong in the past, the whole thing.
But that has nothing to do with you. There are others who don't feel that way about emotionalism. You might get results if you sit down with this guy at a moment of calm and peace (meaning DON'T attempt this during or just after a fight where he reacted in this fashion) and explain that you are who you are, and that emotions are not an over-reaction. He'll either keep an open mind and try and understand you, or he'll not.
Understand, though, if you are using emotions to get a desired response or outcome, or to shut down or block out his side of an argument, or to gain attention and avoid the actual discussion, that *is* manipulation and it will short-circuit all of your relationships. I will proceed under the impression that this is not what you do, but I would be doing you a disservice by not at least cautioning you about the consequences of using emotions as a weapon.
...............................
A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (31 August 2013):
 However nice a guy he is in other respects, it sounds like you two just aren't very compatible when it comes to important stuff, because this is an important thing.
It's got nothing to do with his age. My sister is in her 30s and any kind of emotional sensitivity makes her deeply uncomfortable to the point of almost getting angry with the person expressing the emotion. She's very mature in many other respects.
Your sensitivity makes your boyfriend uncomfortable or irritated. It's just the way he is. He can try to change, but like you yourself say, feelings are not rational. In the same way he could say that you should stop being so sensitive because he doesn't like it.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 August 2013):
 He's not for you. You are sensitive, he is insensitive. That's not a good match. It can be good only if the differences balance each other out, and that also demands a good communication. Sure, good communication can be worked on and be built up over time. But his reaction isn't "we have a problem and I would like to solve it", his reaction is, like you say, immature: "Why can't you react like I do, arrgh, you're so annoying!". With that attitude, nothing will improve. Perhaps it is time to say "okay, you are a lovely person in many respects, but I have come to find that you are not the one I am looking for".
Dating isn't about forcing yourself to "fit" each other, it is also about finding someone who you already click with. Everyone will experience problems that they need to work on, but some things can be worked on and other things can't be worked on. You can only work on things that demand co-operation. YOU can not make HIM more mature, caring, understanding, sensitive etc. That would require him to change personality, and such a thing is not possible to "work through" in a relationship. This is one of the things you can't change, so it means, sadly, that he isn't someone you should be with.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2013): There's nothing wrong with being sensitive, you just need to be with someone who appreciates that.
Also smacking the table is worrying and explosive - sounds a bit abusive to me. If it were me I would really find someone else.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 August 2013):
 You are who you are, and you should not change to please anybody else than yourself, so if you don't feel there's a problem with being very emotional and very sensitive - accept who you are, and the needs and wants you have.
But, he is who he is too- and has a different sensitivy and a different grip on his emotions, without necessarily having to be the wrong one, or having to change to suit you or anybody else.
Unluckily, perhaps you are just not compatible. People can be attracted/ in love mutually- and still not be a good match.
You seem very aware , since you mention it repeatedly and expressely, of the kind of man you want : a man who is gentle, understanding, protective, a man who's willing to hear you out and to " handle with care " your outpours of emotions.
He may be a great guy under many aspects, but, he's not the gentle, patient type you say you want.
I think that limits your choice to either leave this one and go after the gentle understanding type- or accept your bf as he is , with his asperities and occasional rough edges.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (31 August 2013):
When you talk to someone in what you believe to be a calm and rational way and they basically blow you off, the only other thing you can do is try couple's counseling. If he's not up for that or it doesn't work, then you have to make a choice. Stay with him and accept his flaws or leave him and find someone who better suits you.
Compatibility is sooo much more important than people give it credit for. Love gets you married, compatibility KEEPS you married.
By being willing to let people go who aren't right for you even if you care about them, you will always being one step closer to finding true happiness with someone who's right for you.
...............................
|
