A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:i have been dating a man for 2yrs. and 3 months. a relative of his is always asking him to go fishing with him. i don't mind the fishing but i do mind when its anywhere from 3 nights to 7 nights that he is gonel his relative has been married for 40 years and therefore does not mind leaving his wife. our relationship is not very old and therefore i don't like for him to go away over night. he tells me that he loves me, in fact i am the love of his life. however he will not stand up to this relative and he always says yes to this man. sometimes i think that he does not want to go but can't say no to this man. he all the time gives this man hope that he will go. it is driving me crazy. it seems to me that if he loves me so much that he would be most likely to stay at home with me rather than always go with this relative. i fish with him so i don't think there is any reason that he can't go with me. some advice would be appreciated. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (9 March 2007):
 If his friend ever asks him to go fishing again then tell him to say he'll let him know but wants to run it past you first just in case you had anything planned. Let him know you don't mind him going every now and again but you feel invisible to him at times so can he make some kind of compromise?
You mean more to him than this friend so he needs to take your feelings into consideration too. Talk with him and let him know exactly how you feel. Suggest to him to say he'll run it by you first or just to say "no, I'm sorry, it's not suitable mate, maybe another time" and leave it at that. If you see this friend when you're on your own with him you can say jokingly to him that you feel a bit like a fishing widow and ask him to ease up a little! I'm sure he'll soon get the message and find another fishing friend.
Eve
A
female
reader, JnikkiM +, writes (8 March 2007):
 I really think it is healthy for your relationship to have some time apart. He's only going fishing. People need to have there own identities in relationships to keep them healthy. If the relative he's been going with has been married for 40 years, maybe he's helping and not really hurting your relationship since he has more knowledge of relationships then you guys.
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A
female
reader, chachacha +, writes (8 March 2007):
You say - "it seems to me that if he loves me so much that he would be most likely to stay at home with me rather than always go with this relative"
This isn't true It is healthy in a relationship to do things separately and it is good for him to have the chance to go fishing with a friend. He needs some space from you.
It is a question of balance - it is bad for a relationship if you never get to spend any time with him.
Determining what the appropriate middle ground is, is an issue of negotiation between you.
The things you say sound a little clingy - "i don't like for him to go away over night" - partners do go away overnight, and missing them when they do is healthy. If you are being overly clingy then he might be going away over night just to get a break from that?
You can't control how he chooses to spend his time and you have to let him do what he wants. You can, however, state you own needs, and you could let him know that you feel that you are very lonely when he goes away for 7 nights, and would prefer it if he only went away for 1 or 2 nights, and perhaps you could meet him for an evening if he wants to spend the day fishing with the relative. etc. You get the picture? State your needs, calmly, and then negotiate.
Don't go down the emotional blackmail route - i.e. you'd stay home if you loved me - because it doesn't work.
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