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anonymous
writes: What do you do when you love someone who you know is just so wrong for you in every way.My husband and I have been married for 12 years.In that time we have seperated several times but this is the longest time (12 weeks)as I still love him but I am not willing to ever live with him again.The reasons are but many for the seperation, too much to say here. We have one biological son togehter (11yrs) who really loves his Dad, plus I have a 14 and 25 yr old sons who couldnt care less if they see him again as he is a very old fashioned, grumpy, unsociable, serious man as well as working as a policeman.He has been quite unkind to our middle boy over the years (intolerant and extremely bossy)I am the complete opposite, kind and very socialble with many friends wanting to catch up when he's not around.With this recent split in the first 6 weeks I didnt want anything to do with him, but recentley he has been begging me to go to counseling with him and to try again, which I have agreed to start on the 17th of Jan.But in reality I feel this is the calm before the storm as I want him to be with me when I am alone with just our son, but as soon as my other boys or freinds and family are around I don't want him around as he puts out such negative energy,tho when it is just me and him he is wonderful.If I am meant to let him go, HOW? I am very unsure of what to do. It truly does feel like I am in love with a man I just cant be with for so many reasons.he says he know he must learn to share me rather than lose me but I think we are just kidding our selves.Why is he so happy when he is around just me and our son but so unhappy and negative the minute anyone else steps into the picture and do you think we could remain married while living apart?Thanks.... Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2006): Hun, this man of yours has a truckload of insecurities and he sounds bitter. Yes I do think you are better off remaining apart until all this gets hashed out with the marriage counsellor. But dear..I'm trying to understand why it's like your sense of committment/empathy to him, is causing you to shoulder the responsibility for his behaviours?? This is unhealthy thinking! He seems like the kind of man who is connected to you but not your older sons, not the friends, not the family. Men like this often don't like their wife connecting to anyone else, including her children. What makes this hard is you have two older sons that need their Mother and your husband resents that. Men like this often consider women something akin to property(ownership) He wants you to all to himself, dear. You can get tough and set limits on his behavior. Let him know what your expectations are..when the family is around. He needs to learn to bite his tongue and be decent/respectful toward everyone. Because if you don't, he will have you where he wants you eventually, all to himself with no one bothering to come around anymore. Go to counselling but stay strong and make your needs/wants known in this marriage. If he wants to work at this, he will need individual counselling to work with his own insecurities. He owns them..they are his problems to fix-not yours. Don't carry his burden anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your input Dawnest but you seem to be reading the content rather one eyed.I had also wrote that there were numerous reasons for the split. e.g: violence & aggressive communication besides wanting complete ownership of me.Rather than see me as an ungrateful wife, maybe you should look at the fact that I DO LOVE HIM & have contended with his overbearing behaviour for 12years, I dont think that is being childish in any capacity.
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male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (10 January 2006):
 I think this issue cannot be ignored or brushed aside. Obviously it needs addressing as it has already caused several micro-splits. Have you two sat down and talked about this issue with just the two of you present? It seems to me that you need to get to the core of his behaviour. Maybe you could do this so that you would go into counselling with a better understanding of each others position.
Counselling is a very good idea. It shows he is willing to address the problem and in that regard he should be commended. As has already been said you do have 12 years and that is allot to walk away from. I would avoid making any judgments before the counselling and try and go into the process with an open mind.
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female
reader, Dawnest +, writes (10 January 2006):
Stop trying to live your life according to the women's magazines. You had chemistry when you met/you spent time getting to know each other and you felt strongly enough to want to spend your life with him.
After 12 years of marriage you already know which of his buttons to push and the negative vibes in company arise because he feels brave enough to answer you back.
You and your son are the core of his Universe and his insecurity at having to share you with others is akin to a best friend getting shirty because other new friends want a piece of you.
Splitting up because you feel he is not right for you is quite frankly childish and very woman's maggish.Overlook his behaviour by using kindness and humour and you will reach a level of understanding that will suit both of you. You've survived 12 years together, now try for the next 12.
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