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female
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anonymous
writes: I am recovering from agoraphobia and trying to build my confidence every day.I kind of slipped into working for my boyfriend. I did it because I love him and now I work for him every day. He doesn't pay me. I pay him rent to live in his house. I really hate the imbalance of power and have often told him that I want more security.When we have an argument, he just says that he never asked me to work for him. I have said that I could be working for him and he could just chuck me out and I would lose everything, all that I had done for him would be for nothing. He replies that I would leave with all I came with (myself and my possessions) so I wouldn't lose anything.He can be so tender, sensitive and loving but he also criticises me, how I look after my daughter, the way I live (i.e, not looking after myself properly, eating the right foods, etc) yet he drinks every day, eats the wrong food, wants to lose weight. Silly though it sounds, he snores at night which is so hard for me but he just says there is nothing that can be done about it.He tells me that he is sick of me for going on about things. He tells me sometimes that he wants me to leave. When I say about moving away, having my own place, he says that it would be hard for us to see each other due to work.He is so hard to understand because he can be so thoughtful and other times he treats me like a child and says I act like one.I refuse to be a doormat, I want to be treated with respect and love but it seems sometimes as if he loves me when things are only going okay but when we do argue, he says his feelings slip which seems like conditional love to me.I have always tried to please people and I guess I do this with him but he can't see that he does or says anything wrong.Please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2005): I think you should think of your daughter first, if he keep on treating you this way it will have not very nice effect on you and worst on your daughter. You should gather all the courage and find a job which pays you, I am sure you will do great.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2005): Dear, the only way to stop being a doormat is to get up off the floor and earn respect from others. You really seem stuck and unsure what to do with your life and you need to make "your own" future for you and your daughter. You need to find the courage and strength to "work for yourself" and NOT depend on him. Most men respect a woman who have a sense of purpose and do things in their life, to becoming more self-sufficient. Realize that having an independent separateness from your bf is good. Self-sufficiency; high self-esteem; not seeking unconditional love, constantly; believing in equality and personal power in yourself & your partner and having outside interests, friends and a life beyond your world with your bf, is so crucial. I think you should start taking steps to empower yourself and gain some self-respect back. Your boyfriend is not completely responsible for your happiness nor does he owe you "a life". That's your job. He sounds frustrated with your lack of drive to do anything to help yourself. Our primary relationship can never meet all of our needs and we should not expect it to. We should also never give up our individuality when we enter into a coupleship. It sounds like you need "a sense of purpose"-something more fullfilling you can do for yourself plus 'even up the playing field' with this guy a bit. He has too much financial power in this relationship. I worry about what could happen to you and your daughter,if this relationship doesn't work,,you'll find yourself in dire straits. The only way to change this situation is for you to take matters in hand and realize this is an "either/or" situation. I don't condone the manner in which he speaks to you..both of you need to respect each other and communicate in a more loving way. Start getting pro-active and make some wise choices for your future. When your options are limited - go with the best choice within the limitations. Otherwise you spend emotional energy wishing things were different.
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female
reader, koral +, writes (7 November 2005):
I think you need to site down and tell him how your fealing and if hes making you fell like this then mabey you need to think weather you woulld be happier with out him i no its hard but thats what you need to do you might find that he will realise that you a good thing in his life men are like that theye dont realise what theye have till its gone i hope this has helped you
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female
reader, pyjamas +, writes (7 November 2005):
It is often hard for others to see their negative traits when we point them out. Your boyfriend sounds defensive and controlling. When he criticises, it means he doesn't have to look inward at himself. I also think your people pleasing behaviour may have something to do with a fear of abandonment. Maybe you could look at some relatioship counselling, if he doesn't want to do the hard work it takes to have a relationship, then perhaps it's time to go.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2005): I hate to tell you this, but, honey, you ARE a doormat! This boyfriend of yours is getting a good deal with you providing free work/help/housekeeping/sex AND he is also being paid for these freebies, by YOU!! Work with your therapist to get out of the house as soon as possible and find another place to live with a roommate(s) who can be more supportive. In the meantime, look for a better boyfriend too. It will be better for both you and your child in the long run. You don't want her growing up and hating men.
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female
reader, pri817  +, writes (7 November 2005):
 I wish you could see that you deserve much more than he can or is willing to give you. Why should you stay with someone who treats you like that. Love is unconditional, it doesn't hurt or critize you. Move on with your life and find another place to live. Also look for another job. Sure it will be hard at first, but you'll feel so much better once your out of that situation. Don't underestimate your value.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2005): wow seems to me like your a very strong person not only for dealing with your situation but admitting there is a problem, i think you are the strength in all this and i believe he knows this,keep your head up,stay strong and you tell him exactly how you feel,talk it through and explain that the way he treats you is intimidating and destructive to your relationship,i really think if that doesnt work in my opinion this is a one sided relationship and sometimes its better to let go of love than to never be loved in return, i really wish you both luck x
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female
reader, lyndsey +, writes (6 November 2005):
hi im sorry to hear about your illness and im glad your getting better, you should be so proud of yourself but having all this to deal with will not help you at all. I think your boyfriend could be partly to blame for your illness he takes advantage of the fact you can't go out so you have to work for him. I don,t think he encourages you so he can keep you depending solely on him it,s a sort of power trip, he knows if you went out there on your own got your own place and job you would see him for what he is.I think you should get your own place and your own job eventually, then your confidence should come flooding back. Im a mother and i can't imagine having to look after my son and cope with your illness at the same time, i think your great for keeping it together so dont ever let him tell you different. Concentrate on yourself and your daughter because she loves you and she needs you and she always will no matter what. Be a good role model to her, so many children who grow up around abusive relationships end up in the same relationships when they get older.You may not think he,s abusive but mental abuse is as bad as any espcially with your illness,and believe me your daughter will hate it when he puts you down.Remember small changes turn into big changes so start today do something for you. I wish you all the luck in the world i really do lyndseyxx
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female
reader, stressedoutmama +, writes (6 November 2005):
Honey i hear you. The best thing you can do is get yourself security. I went through the same thing. You need to think of yourself and your daughter. You need to make sure you can take care of her by yourself. Once you have your own security you will feel like you don't need anyone. That's how i felt. You will be amazed at the change in your guy once he realizes that you do not need him to take care of you. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2005): I am sorry, but he sounds that a real user. The longer you stay the harder it will be to leave. Take courage and go before you get deeper and deeper.
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female
reader, beenthere +, writes (6 November 2005):
are you his girlfriend or housekeeper? i am in a similar situation with my partner so i know how you feel. some men need to be tought respect. he needs to accept your rules with your daughter. stop working for him. ask him to do his share or tell him that you will continue working for him if you stop paying rent. he should be supporting you and the child. he accepted you into his home. it sounds like he is using you. try to be calm and explain what is wrong. if he wants a lodger, finish your relationship and be a lodger, pay rent and do your share of work. if he wants a housekeeper, finish the relationship, do what you have been doing and ask him to pay you a salary. if he wants a girlfriend, tell him you need to work together. accept his opinions concerning your daughter but explain to him why you do things a certain way. if he doesn't understand, get out and find someone who will care for you and your child unconditionally
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