A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am very confused now..my bf of a year and a half broke up with me a month ago after having a series of arguments. Basically he was sort of depressed about his life and so he was aloof and cold to me sometimes, but I didn't really know what is going on inside him so I criticized him for being cold too much. He broke up but we contacted each other once a week, and he said that he loves me more than anyone, but he cannot really be with me right now. He said he is too overwhelmed and depressed, and the thing is he does not know exactly what is making him so. He says that seeing people is extremely hard for him now, even an hour, and he just wants to hibernate for now...I asked him please be direct and honest with me if he is saying these things just to let me down gently..but he said that is not what he is doing..he said he has no interest in exploring "what is out there" or checking our new possibilities, and knows that I am the best out there already. He said that he wants to work on himself, and see if he gets strong and tough enough to want to get back together with me...I really want to get back together with him..he is a nice, caring guy.and my question is what should I do from now on? should completely leave him alone and move on? or should I show him that I am there fore him and the like, even though he broke up with me?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 June 2011):
 It depends.
" Sort of depressed " is nothing like " clinically depressed " and it sounds just that kind of vague statement that people make when they want to do what they want to do without being accountable to other people.
Clinically depressed is a medical condition , and while at first he may not wish for or benefit from your support, with proper therapy it goes better in time and , if you are the patient type, in a few months the situation could be different.
Same as for " working on himself ", what does it mean, that he is seeking counseling, taking medications, attending a self help group, etc.etc.... or just staying home brooding and feeling sorry for himself ?
Last but not least, define " hibernating ". It's true that depressed people often lose their taste and desire for being around people, even their loved ones, but they are not selective about that. So if he withdraws from you, but still hangs out with his pals every day , then he is not depressed, he is just could shouldering you. In fact, more in general, they tend to lose their taste and desire for anything that they used to be passionate about, so if he is sort of withdrawing from people, and yet avidly pursuing his old hobbies, ( i.e. going to the gym, or spending time on Facebook ).. he probably is not really depressed .
I don't suggest that your ex must necessarily be a liar or a manipulator, then again alas seldom you can get the truth of a situation only based on what people SAY: They can say something and do the opposite- they can say something because it's easier, saves time, is what you want to hear, makes them look better, tons of reasons. To get a clearer picture, it's more important to see what thet DO.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): I am currently going through a similar situation, so I know exactly how you feel. You want to wait for him, but do not want time to pass only to realize he has moved on and you have not.My best advice is to try and take it day by day. If you start thinking about the long term you are just going to overwhelm yourself and get upset. Try to focus on yourself right now, and help him out when you can.Hope that helps. Like I said, I'm going through almost the same thing so there are plenty of people who feel how you do
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (21 June 2011):
 Well, it sounds as if your boyfriend really has some tough issues to deal with - and has for some time (hence your comment about finding him "aloof and cold sometimes."
I think he IS being honest with you and not trying to let you down gently. I wonder if he is thinking of finding a counsellor to work with to help him? It wouldn't hurt to ask. Clinical depression is an illness (if that is what he has) and very hard to cope with on your own.....
Maybe it would be wiser to limit contact with him at the moment - except for an occasional phone call, email or nice note saying you're thinking about him, and a little bit of news about what you've been up to. Nothing "heavy" or demanding, mind! If you can be patient, without getting obssessed with wondering when and if he's going to get back with you, give it a try. But if you think your worry and desire to have him in your life will be too stressful, then you should maybe think about moving on.
I wish you all the best!
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