A
female
age
36-40,
*c28
writes:I had a long distance relationship for 6 months. I thought we loved each other very much.he had never been in a committed relationship before. we were getting so close to moving in together. we even started planning for a baby, looked at rings, etc... couldn't stay away from eachother for more than two hours(mostly phone and text messaging of course(sometimes 10 times a day)). saw eachother 10-15 days in a month (flew once/twice a month). Then recently we went on a vacation (out of country). things were still great but when we came back he suddelnly burst into tears (just wasn't the type to cry)and broke up with me in the airport.he said it was a combination of small things that led him to believe that we weren't gonna make it.I never saw it coming!I spoke with him a few days later trying to find out what happened. he wouldn't be clear about it. from what he said it felt like he just wanted to date new people.(I mean going from moving in together to this in a matter of a few days is just weird!) I have never run across a situation like this or heard of one before.Is he falling back to his old pattern of being a non-commital person? I have stopped talking to him because it hurts me to see him go out with other women but I feel like I still love him very much. I'm pretty sure that if I try hard enough to bring him back, I can but should I? I am too afraid he'll do it to me again. I wonder if he's been thinking about leaving me for a long time and waiting for an excuse to tell me!I know a couple of his family members have been recently on his case regarding us moving too fast...could that be the reason?any openions? thank you.
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broke up, long distance, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2007): It sounds like he is affraid of commitment and wants to go back to those first, fun, exciting stages of a relationship where everything is fresh and new and not too serious. He should have been truthful at the beginning and should not have lead you on with the planning of children and marriage. It sounds as though he liked the idea of starting a family etc, but the reality was far from true and he just was not ready for that stage of life. Lifes a big bitch and these lessons will only make you stronger. If you win him back you may find that the cracks start to show again as it is clear that you both want different things.
A
female
reader, cc28 +, writes (23 June 2007):
cc28 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you guys for responding to me...very clear now. but I'm so mad at myself for not seeing this sooner but I'll try to not carry this feeling to my next relationship. bottled up emotions in men can really hurt women. it's funny how when you love someone you think they feel the same things you do. thanks again...
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (23 June 2007):
 I agree with Yos and Aunty Sarah, and I would combine their answers into one. So, I don't think you should try to win him back. And, I don't think you should wait for him to come back to you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Sarah  +, writes (23 June 2007):
 The answer above is sound advice. I had this happen to me a few years ago, it's horrid isn't it! It does tend to make you more wary the next time around and whilst things seem bad now, they will get better. Next time you date someone you will have the foresight to take things slowly and have the self control to let the man do all the work. I think that your EX had a vision in his head of how a perfect relationship should be. He found this in you......and was scared of what he had found. It's a bit like when you really like a certain food - strawberries for example - if you eat enough of them you feel sick and proberly will never touch them for a good few years! Don't take any responsibility for this break down in your relationship. Pick your self up, dust your self down, buy some new lippy and get back on the scene with a new you.x
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (23 June 2007):
 It's not unusual behaviour for a guy I'm afraid, in fact it's stereotypical and very common. Men often bottle up negative emotions, so it can seem like everything is fine until suddenly it turns really bad really fast. He may also have been holding on hoping that his negative feelings would go away, but instead they grew and got worse. I've done it myself more times than I care to admit. Men are in general much worse at talking about negative emotions than women, it's a life skill that can take a long time for us to learn (if at all).
It's very possible that you two moving so fast triggered this. Talking about rings and babies after six months (at your age) is VERY premature in my opinion. That would be enough to give many guys in their teens and twenties cold feet.
It sounds like your relationship was very intense. He may have begun to feel crowded or that you were seeking validation and approval more frequently than he could cope with. He may have felt stuck: either he keeps up the amount of contact you are used to and feels pressured and emotionally drained, or he reduces it and you get upset and try to communicate with him about that (leading him to become pressured and emotionally drained). A Catch 22 situation in other words (in guy-logic). You might want to consider this for the future.
Whilst at the beginning of a relationship intense emotions drive us to want to be in continuous contact with our partner, this is not sustainable and starts to subside. It's important to handle that shift realistically, and not try to force the same amount of contact or introduce factors like marriage and kids to try to 're-confirm' the relationship.
I'd not suggest getting back together with him. He has said he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship: trying to force him to be is only going to cause more heartbreak for you. Men at your age are really not big on commitment in general, it's not at all easy to find someone that wants marriage and a family so young these days. It's tough because (in my experience) women generally want more commitment earlier in life than men, leading to lots of mismatches. Being in your twenties is a difficult time for a girl who wants to settle down.
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