A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don't understand. I fell in love with a man 6 years younger than me. He said he was in love with me. Everyone said we seemed happy together - and yet he started to treat me like I was 2nd best and when I asked if he wanted a future with me - he said he always dreamed of never settling down.We have known each other for a year and a half. We dated 8 months; broke up for 5 because he put the relationship on the back burner and started having an internet relationship with a girl overseas. He then he came back to me after 5 months saying he learned his lesson and never wanted to lose me again. After I asked about the future - he withdrew and finally broke up with me saying he loves me but cannot settle down and I'll "thank him" some day.However I know he loves me deeply and is afraid of commitment. But he may never be ready and I'm approaching 35. My question is: do i cut off all contact or keep a glimmer of hope? We have mutual friends and he said he wanted to remain friends. But he was a selfish boyfriend and in the 2 weeks since the breakup has proven he is a selfish friend He reponds if i text him something simple but does not initiate contact and has not once asked me how I'm doing. Hopeless , right? Problem is - I've never loved like I've loved him and I still feel a connection. I'm afraid I'll never find someone like him again. How can I deal?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes you are right. I gave him a second chance after our five months apart because he said "i realize what i lost and i never want to lose you again". It lasted 4 months. He won me back over by being attentive and loving and then once I had fallen again - he pulled away until I finally asked the "where is this going" question and told him I hope to be married in the next 2 to 3 years because I want a child.I gave him space for a month and he refused to talk to me about anything serious. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and forced a conversation. He said loves me but he cannot provide for me or a child and will "likely run away" and just wants to be friends. Well know that we are broken up nearly 3 weeks - he has made no effort to be friends. I know some of it is lack of interest on his part and some of it is guilt for having broken my heart - twice. In the break up conversation he acknowledged "I can't keep doing this to women. I know I'm a jumper. I respect you too much to keep hurting you. "Honestly I think he needs to have a whole lot of empty meaningless sex and will realize he's over that in a few years. Of course the little hopeful girl inside me wants to maintain contact in hopes that he will wake up to reality sooner. :(
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (30 June 2012):
 I have beent here also. It is very difficult to be friends with someone you have seen romantically. I do not know why people even say this because it usually does not work. What happens is that you remain friends, then everytime you see each other you have a tiny little bit of hope left that he will come around and want to be with you again. So, you are stuck in a dead-end relationship hoping and not moving on with your life. You can remain on friendly terms, but that does not involve still seeing one another, doing things, and talking/texting/emailing all the time. It simple means that each agree to separating and that when you do see one another, you will be friendly and not hositle. Sometimes people cannot do that either. From my point of view, and only because I have tried this, it is best to go your separate ways, don't have any contact, and start looking for someone who wants a committment. I honestly do not think everyone lies when they say they love you. I really think that most people say things in the heat of the moment and that they don't realize the seriousness of what they are saying. Also, a lot of people don't even know their own minds. They may think they love you until you get serious on them, then they realize that isn't really what they want. I think anonymous hit the nail on the head when she said that she posted a similar question and didn't like the answers. We don't like the answer that we should move on. But, from people who have experienced it, that is the best advice you are going to get here. If you stay friends, you are going to keep hoping and stringing yourself along thinking your boyfriend still wants you. That is a lot harder than actually getting the distance you need trust me. And, Blonde30's said you just going around in circles if you don't get the distance. Very true. You just keep putting yourself back into a pointless situation, hoping, and getting disappointed until you can't take it emotionally anymore.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2012): Been there myself. Feel for you. Wrote a similar question here myself. Didn't like the answers I got. Ah... Maybe, just maybe there's a chance your situation will be different. But in my experience, it doesn't matter what they SAY, it's what they DO. Men will lie, and they'll say things because they want them to be true, or feel that way at the time on a whim. I know it hurts like hell... but I think you need to get your distance from him as quickly as possible. Don't allow yourself to be treated like this. Time heals. Time and as much distance as possible. Hugs to you. And you will meet someone else who blows you away. And who actually would never let you go.
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