A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i feel really bad, my on off partner of 18 years and i were in the process of what i thought trying to work things out. he has always been there for me until i messed up, i played a silly trick on him and now its kind of back fired and he refuses to talk to me.i got a friend to ring him up to see how he would be if she chatted him up, he doesnt know this girl, so was unaware it was my friend. at first he didnt seem interested, but as she struck up conversation, he said he had no woman/women in his life and in other words he were single. this really hurt me as we have daily contact and was constantly telling me he loved me. I know i have played a silly game and have messed up, but at the same time i am upset and feel it has all been a lie. now i have confronted him he has shut me off and wont talk to me. he has never ignored me before like this, i know there is wrong on my side. what do i do? should i give him time? or count my loses and try and move on. this is the father to my children. he has never shut me out like this before in the whole time ive known him so i know he really is not happy.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 July 2012):
 I'm happy to hear you And your husband are both willing to seek help together. Your marriage has already survived so much, there is no reason why it cannot survive this latest hurdle. Best of luck to you both.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell he is arranging Relate counseling for us so he wants to sort try and sort this out and resolve issues.. If he wasn't sure I'm sure he would have just given up and walked away, but he hasn't has he. I know more than anyone as I've been the person he has spoken too like 5 times a day. I myself and him. Well his suggested Relate and I think that's a good idea.. I'm sure he has been unsure at times, I have been myself, like I've said before we have had a lot of bad luck. I think we are both doing the sensible thing. As do both our familes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLike I said I understand where your coming from and what you are saying, I'm not saying your right or wrong in what you are saying. But I also don't think you can see it or know it all. There is always more, we haven't been split for 18 years, within that time maybe a year and a bit all together now, if we had I'm sure I would of moved on. Everyone will have a different opinion, we all have different morals, faiths and backgrounds. You think its best to move on and I appreciate that and thank you for your advice. But we are still talking it through and are thinking about going to relate now. We are not living together, but have contact every day,
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@imheretohelp you have a wise head on your shoulders, but I'm sure after having children of your own and getting married will change your opinion on some of your views. Your known someone to go through bereavment of a child, but you didn't go through it!! Its not something you can expect to quite understand.. Like I've said life isn't all black and white.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd I also forgot to say that I do receive counseling, because of the line of work I am in , it does help a lot to have someone non judgmental and out of the situation to listen..
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs I've said I've had time to reflect and yes we were in the process of trying to work things out before I messed up and played a silly trick. I'm not jumping into a relationship with him and I don't see myself as clinging on or holding on. My children know they are loved by both of us and I think I've showed them about values in life. The silent treatment he gave me scared and shocked me as he has never done this to me before. I think we have both learnt a lesson in all this.. We all have different expectations in our lifes and expect different things from out relationships I understand. I value all your views and agree to a certain degree. Like I said and I will say again, the main reason I was upset was because he was ignoring me and in the whole time I've known him he has never done this to me. Wrong was done in both parts, but I hold my hands up and say mainly in mine. Either way I need to get on with him for the sake of my children as he is always going to be there and I don't want to be on bad terms.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not putting all eggs in one basket and understand exactly where your coming from in what you are saying.. He has been a very supportive partner in the past when we've been together and when we've been apart, we have a bond. I did a very silly thing in what I did and I know I've pushed him so far and maybe deserves more.. I don't believe any 18 year relationship is plain sailing and mistakes are made, it takes give and take both ways. Both my children need there Mother and Father if we are together or not and they need us to be on good terms which I'm sure you will agree, I don't really see how that is in denial. I don't think it as being casual, I just see it as I've had time to think and reflect and calm down.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPlease try not to judge what you may not have been through.. If you had you may see where I'm coming from. I care about him a lot and love him.. I was very upset when he wouldn't talk to me of course I was and I know I did a VERY stupid thing. I posted on hear as I felt I needed to air it and hear others views. Losing a child and depression does not always bring couples closer, anyone that has suffered these things would know, people grief in different ways and at different stages. I thank you all for your advice and views xxx
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 July 2012):
 I have to agree with our super young but already very wise Auntette IAmHereToHelpYou.
You suffered a terrible tragic loss,- but most often real couples are brought together by losses and adversities, after all isn't it what a COUPLE is about, fighting together against the bad times, as opposed to each on your own. Ditto for depression , whether it was reactive to your loss or due to biochemical inbalance, yes, depression may make you feel like withdrawing from those you love, but if THEY will love you, they won't let you go, they'll FIGHT with you, at your side, against this illness.
It sounds to me that you want to rewrite history, and find some plausible motivation for why you have let this gentleman dance in and out of your life, talk, not talk, go away and come back for EIGHTEEN YEARS. It's a long time. TOO long.
You say, very wisely, that your focus is not on him only, and you've got your personal goals and plans, so if it happens it happens otherwise....If you are so casual about it, why did you even bother to play such an elaborate trick on him ? why did you even care if he called homself single or not, and why were you so upset that he " shut you out " ?.... whatever will be will be,right ?....
Time will tell ?... Why are you even still interested in what time would have to tell you in reference to him ?....
After eighteen years, what do you think time is going to tell, that may be so surprisng and new ?...
If you break 11 eggs and they have all gone bad, do you really need to open the twelfth to see how it will end ?....
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't feel I'm making excuses, what will be will be, me and my children's Dad are on talking terms now. My main priority is my children. Life is not all black and white and be very complex, I'm not concentrating my whole life on us getting back together, I've got a career and goals in my life. If it happens it happens, I'm just glad we are on speaking terms.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIts not that we couldn't figure it out.. We have both needed space, because of very personal reasons such as the death of our first child and me suffering from servere depression. Life is never a bed of roses. If two people are going to be together they will be, only time will tell.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your advice today.. We have spoken, so he not ignoring me, he thought that we should both calm down and have space.. His got a lot going on, his there for the children, which is most important and we are on speaking terms, which is a relieve as I hated getting ignored.. Either way we both need to get on we have children together and at least he knows how I feel now and I know how he feels.. We will both have love for each other no matter what and maybe he needed to hear that. I'm not expecting for us ae to get straight back together, if it happens, it will take time and hard work.. I'm sincerely thankful for all your honest advice, I've taken it all on board
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi I totally see where your coming from and I see fault on both sides.. Its been my choice that we are not together due to personal issues.. He has always claimed to love me and want to be with me.. Our realtionship hasn't been plain sailing and there is fault on both sides in all kinds of ways.. We have 2 children together and years ago went through a bereavment of our first born daughter when she was 2. I can't just leave the sitaution and count my loses, this has been a life time friend.. And to be honest I can't put all the blame on him and leave things on bad terms. I'm not going to hound him as I know he now needs his space. I just feel so sad and wish I could turn back the clock.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (30 June 2012):
I have to disagree with Aunt BimBim. 18 years with you, you've got KIDS- the first girl who chats him up , he says he has no women and he is SINGLE ???
Yes, the game you played was silly, childish and disrespectful. But, obviously the problems you've got are beyond and before the trick you played ( and if it even came to your mind to play it, it means you felt on very shaky ground ... ) I think he got mad just because he got CAUGHT, not because he feels mistrusted disrespected etc.etc.., he could not care less about that . 18 years of on/ off, and after 18 years of seesaw ( and making kids togethr ! ) you still " try to work things out " ?... He's never shut you out like this before... why the heck shoud he have EVER shut you out, aren't you the mother of his children ?.... I don't understand what you are tryng to work out, and to squeeze out of him : a committment ? A serious relationship, a declaration of deep everlasting love ? After 18 years... ?? I admire your persistence and devotion, but no, one has to reach an age and a stage in life when they KNOW what a losing proposition looks like. I think it's high time that you cut your losses.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, you've just confirmed to me the truth.. I've sent him a text with an apology, telling him I loved him and knew I was at fault. Our relationship does have a past and I am insercue and we have been though so much together. I don't want to hound him as he wouldn't answer my calls yesterday, but just dropped by with shopping for the kids unannounced. I just hope I've not pushed him to far :(
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (30 June 2012):
You need to do some serious grovelling. This silly trick as you call it was so totally unfunny, imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and some guy rang you up, I am sure if at first you weren't interested and he persisted you might soon feel a little bit flattered and start flirting back.
Contact him now, tell him you are sorry, tell him you know it was a dreadful immature thing to do, tell him you know he wasn't really interested, tell him you love him so much you want to know what you need to do to fix this terrible situation you caused.
Accept the blame and the fault, from where I sit it is all yours, if you honestly want to mend the rift in the relationship dont try and justify your actions, especially not to him.
Good luck
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