A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello all! I’m in a tough situation..So last week my boyfriend broke up with me because of pressure from his family. Here’s the gist of it: We started dating a year and half ago. I’m bi-racial, half black and half Hispanic. He’s Indian. When we started dating, I asked him if he was allowed to date someone like me given that Indian’s tend to only date their own race. He laughed it off and said “of course”. So since that was out the way, we started dating and everything was great! But after a while, I still hadn’t met his family. I originally thought he was just taking it slow, he had just broken up with his ex shortly before getting with me and she was Mexican by the way. But one night he came to me in tears and said that he told his family about me and that they freaked out and told him to end the relationship. By that time I was already in love and I thought we could overcome it, so we stayed together. Maybe that was a mistake... But fast forward through our relationship, we had so many happy times together and we were and still are so in love but I never got to meet his parents. I met all his siblings, all his cousins, aunts and uncles, but not his parents or his grandmother. I missed a lot of celebrations and holidays but I also got to be a part of a few that his parents were not involved in.I thought things were getting better, I thought they were coming around, I wasn’t hearing anything about them wanting us to break up. He would talk to his mom about me often, so I thought these were good signs but my boyfriend’s GPA fell 2 points and he had to go through a lot to get accepted into some of his classes because of this. His parents pay his tuition so he told them what was going on and they told him he needed to break up with me or they would pull him out of school and stop paying his tuition and his expenses. He felt he had no choice I guess, so he broke up with me and we’ve both been very devastated. He told me there was no way he could ever be fully happy with me because his parents will always put pressure on him from dating outside his race and he told me I deserved better than him and to move on. Despite all that, we’ve been spending a lot of time together, but we’ve just been friends and trying to help each other get through this. Or trying to at least..Since this happened I’ve been sick to my stomach. Crying a lot, not eating, throwing up. I’ve been so depressed and It’s taken such a toll on me.. I thought this was all because of the break up. But I was supposed to get my period a couple of days ago and I never did. I miss my period sometimes because I’m on birth control so I figured it was nothing. But today out of curiosity I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. If I didn’t have enough going on, now everything seems worse. I don’t know what I’m going to do, I don’t know how to tell him. I’ve always said I would never get an abortion but I already know that will be his first suggestion. If I go through with this, what will happen with his family? Will they disown him or do the same to our baby? Any advice on this?
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abortion, broke up, cousin, depressed, grandmother, his ex, move on, period, pregnancy test Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (23 April 2019):
 Morally I agree with you on the abortion question. I also think you are doing very well at a difficult time. Best of fortune in this.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2019): I agree with you. I commend you on being so level-headed and mature about it. I truly wish you the best no matter what the outcome. I think and hope it will go well. You must let him know.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know he wouldn’t abandon me but now I’m just thinking about the future, and school.. I’m thinking about his future too and I feel just so awful that we got ourselves into this situation.
But morally I’m not okay with an abortion either. It would haunt me forever. I’m going to tell him and I think I can make a better decision once I see how he reacts and what he has to say.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (21 April 2019):
Thank you for the clarification. Yes there is a lot of family pressure with indian families. Way more than USA. You really are fighting a culture battle here that you are not very likely to win. Indian men (speaking generally) have strong emotions. For this reason, I would say all is not lost. But . . . .
That grade drop has put you in mamas bad book. Education is also much more important to indian families.
About the pregnancy, I don't know where he is likely to go it is out of my experience with indians. I would let him know ASAP. In the USA you really have all the decision about an abortion. No one can force you to have one, or keep you from having one. (some states have made it very difficult)
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (20 April 2019):
 You can’t not tell him. I’m sorry, but you made this choice too. Not only that, but you’re not telling him for HIS benefit, but for the future baby’s benefit - IF you keep the foetus. I won’t bash anyone who says not to tell him, but I won’t agree with it because it’s not in the best interests of the future child to be kept a secret from part of their family they may search for one day.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2019): Do what is right for you.If you keep the baby be sure to file for child support. If you want a abortion that is your choice.And I know I will be bashed for this but it is also your choice of you tell him or not. You have no future with him and he knew this the whole time he was with you.I am so sorry but you were only used to sow his wild oats.He is too tied to mommy and daddy apron strings to marry you but he slept with you anyways.What a dog.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2019): Think twenty years down the line.By then the story would be about you and the child.Your boyfriend sounds very immature and not much of a solid man if he has ditched you now.Because your situation is complex you could ask your doctor for emergency counselling but that would most likely be towards a termination.If you are certain that is not what you want then in nine months you will have a brand new baby and be a mum.This is not an easy route as your life changes forever but it can be very fulfilling.Tell your fella anything you want but be prepared for his parents to want to step in and take over.So get your side of your support system started and figure out how involved in the childs life you intend to be, with or without intervention or assistance. I
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd by Indian, I mean India. Not native-American Indian.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to clear up a few things...
We’ve been boyfriend and girlfriend for a year and half. I wasn’t aware his parents had a problem with us being together until about 6 months in when he came to me one night and told me. It was all news to me. Plus he had a girlfriend before me who was Mexican so I really believed him when he said he could date whoever he wanted. They broke up Because the relationship was toxic and emotionally abusive, and the girl has harassed me before in the past, she’s even thrown things at me while walking across campus, so I definitely believe him. They did not break up because his parents didn’t want him with her, but he did say his parents weren’t thrilled about him being with her either, they just dealt with it apparently.. Another thing that I didn’t know until much later. In other words he lied to me and finally told me the truth one night.
Because I loved him and he made me happy, I forgave him and I wanted to continue the relationship and so did he. I guess that was a mistake but I figured once they got to know me, they may change their minds. He told me they would love me if they knew me but it’s the “culture” thing. Our relationship was NOT a secret. We had a normal relationship, his family was the problem, otherwise we didn’t have any big issues, hardly ever fought, we were and are still in love. I wasn’t having sex with him after he broke up with me like one person said, but we had a lot of sex while we were together in a relationship. I was NOT having unprotected sex either, I’ve been on birth control since before I met him, for my period only. Protecting against unwanted pregnancy was just a plus for us. I thought about going off the pill before because it was making me act crazy, and we talked about it also but I just switched to another one instead and all the craziness went away.
After some time, things seemed like they were improving with his family. And he thought so too, we thought we saw some good signs. From my understanding, they hadn’t pulled the race card in a while and he had gotten to a point where he could talk about me to his mom without her getting angry. I completely understand why his parents are upset about his GPA. If I was paying my kid’s tuition and ALL expenses, I’d me upset too. But they already did not want him with me, so his GPA falling was just what they needed to push him and basically emotionally blackmail him into breaking up with. He literally told me he wishes he wasn’t Indian, he wishes he could be with me and make his family happy, but he can’t. Despite his family, there was no trouble in paradise. At least for me that is, but when he broke up with me, he told me his parents never stopped putting pressure on him about our relationship but that he just didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want to hurt me. He only told me the day before we broke up that his parents told him he needed to break up with me or they would stop paying for his car and his apartment. But He told me he wasn’t going to break up with me still because he loved me. Then the next day, he told me he had to and he cried and I cried and we both feel horrible.
Obviously the timing is bad. But if we were still together, the same exact thing would be happening right now. The timing seems “suspicious” to everyone else, but I know when I tell him he won’t think that because that’s not in my character. I missed 1 birth control pill. I didn’t hide it or keep it a secret. I told him I finished my pack and that I had to go pick up my new birth control pack from the pharmacy, but I didn’t have a way there (my car just got stolen). He said he would take me but we both just forgot. And I ended up missing a whole day and by the time he took me, I was late taking the next pill as well. This was about 3 weeks before we broke up. Despite not taking the pill, we still had sex. I’ve missed a pill before and everything was fine. Like I said, he was COMPLETELY aware that I missed a pill. I’m not using a pregnancy as a means to keep him or trap him. He WANTS to be with me, he just can’t. And I’m not expecting him to get back together with me, but if I’m going to go through with this, I need him to be here for me. My birth control pack says you don’t have to use backup if you just miss one... Well here I am... The timing is just bad but even if we stayed together, this would still be bad for us.
One more thing, his parents don’t do arranged marriages. All their kids are dating or have dated whoever they want (as long as they’re Indian of course). They would not send him to India, he’s never even been there before, his parents haven’t been to Indian in over 25 years! Their entire family lives in the same city as us!
My concern isn’t getting back together, my concern is will he abandon me? Will he be there for me? Will his parents freeze me out, or him? I know they wouldn’t disown him but the disappointment might never go away. They’ve never said anything bad about me, as far as I know. After we broke up, his mother sent me a video about “Knowing your worth” I guess as an attempt to make me feel better and not be hard on myself over the break up. Didn’t work though..
I haven’t said anything yet, we still talk everyday, all day. We still see each other everyday. We are still best friends, we still love each other. I’m just lost...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2019): You need to decide what is best for you. If you are going to keep the baby, then he needs to be told and needs to grow up, take responsibility for his actions and tell his parents where to stick it. But you need to recognise that, in all probability, he will disappear off into the sunset and leave you with nothing. So if you decide to keep the baby you should think about the (likely) scenario that you will have to raise the baby on your own.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (19 April 2019):
When you say "indian" do you mean native American or From India?
The cultures are radically different and it would affect my advice.
A 2 point drop in GPA means academic probation in a lot of schools. He did well to get reinstated.
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male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (19 April 2019):
You have a few options. But if you decide to keep the baby he has a legal and moral responsibility to support the child financially.
Tell him you are pregnant and see his reaction. Don’t expect him to ask you to take him back. He’s already made it clear that is not going to happen. Hopefully he will be a man and accept his responsibilities to the child. Personally I doubt it will happen but that’s based on my experience with Indians so my view may be skewed.
More likely you will need to find a lawyer and force him to court to receive court mandated child support.
For future reference when a guy tells you you have no future together. Stop seeing him.
Good luck, you’re going to need it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2019): Sorry OP but his Indian parents wont let you be with him..even knowing there is baby..they will send him to India and he will get marry to an Indian girl. He told you he cant have a relationship with you but you slept with him..thats all. You cant keep the baby with you and Only you or have an abortion and move On with your life finish your education and learn for this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2019): Silly decisions cause serious consequences. You knew his parents wouldn’t change their mind and so did he. He strung you along. He’s unlikely to be as devastated as he’s showing you. All I can add to the others is that my cousin had a baby out of wedlock with an Indian man who then went on to marry an Indian woman and have two children. Their children are acknowledged by his family, but her daughter isn’t and has never met her dad or half-siblings. Some families with cultures that don’t like “mixing” will gradually accept “outsiders” but so many don’t that it’s rarely worth the risk. Is it worth waiting for cells to become a baby only to probably have half of their entire family shun them for life? I don’t know anyone who’d want to be born into that or want that for their child. Either way you need to make your decision as a single mom before the cells become a baby.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (18 April 2019):
 You need to tell him OP, the sooner the better. Be prepared though that there a great likelihood that he's going to come out of this unscratched because his family will most likely want to have nothing to do with the baby. They will also look at getting him married almost immediately- not to you but to a girl of their choice so that he doesn't get into any more trouble.
It's mostly your choice from here OP. If you decide to keep the baby then the best you can do is get child support. If you decide to get an abortion then you will again most probably have to do it without him by the side. It's your decision OP and they are all hard choices but tell him immediately and do not let him go scot free.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (18 April 2019):
This is what happens when you make bad decisions. You both should have stopped sleeping together or at least used two forms of contraception. Are you (both) mature enough to be parents if you did this? I’m not so sure. Contraception can fail, but at least you’d have been mature enough to have used it. Sorry to sound harsh, but it needs to be said.1) Tell him.2) Don’t try to get him back. He’s played you.3) Choose to keep the foetus, abort it or put it up for adoption once it’s a baby. If you keep it, you will be a single mum, so make sure you could actually cope financially and emotionally with that.4) Get support for whatever you decide to do. Keeping, aborting or adoption will be hard - especially without the support of a committed partner.5) Learn from this and prepare for whatever you decide to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2019): Despite your condition, it sounds like he comes first and you’re afraid of losing him. How about we start with this fact: he wasn’t afraid to lose you. If you’re not convinced, try telling him of your condition. That said, woman up and make your own decisions on how to go from here. It’s YOUR life. How you rise from this would be all up to you. Seek the support of family and friends if you’re having this baby. If you are, I hope you have the best 9 months and that s/he would take after you.
Love, M
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2019): Notify your boyfriend that you are pregnant...pronto! Can all this nonsense about being afraid to tell him. You weren't afraid of non-protected sex. Sorry to be harsh, but this is a serious matter. He must know sooner than later!
A baby probably isn't going to restart a relationship. He has a moral and financial responsibility for the child he impregnated you with. Chances are, he will run.
The entire mess about his parents is conveniently pulling his race-card. It's how he gets out of relationships when he's all done. He could see you were getting very serious. Getting pregnant is quite suspicious; considering the timing and knowledge that he has avoided introducing you to his parents all this time. It is what it is! You're now pregnant. No one considered this as a possibility, I reckon.
If you've never met his parents; how can he prove they were pressuring him to end the relationship? Why wouldn't his aunts, uncles, and siblings spill the beans, if they were so race-conscious or bigoted? He's not a female. Traditional-Indian parents aren't as harsh on sons as daughters about who they marry. He may not have admitted it, but he is probably already setup for an arranged-marriage; while all is pending on his completing his education. Meanwhile, he's irresponsibly dipping his wick and dumping women he can't marry.
Of course, keeping the child is a matter of choice. If you don't want to get an abortion, what others recommend is neither here nor there. It's your body, your conscience, and your decision. They can't force you to do anything.
Obviously he doesn't have the common-sense to use protection; when he claims to be so afraid of his parents. He's having sex without a condom, but never considered he could end-up getting someone pregnant??? Yet his parents don't want him dating outside of his own race? I wonder if the Mexican girl also ended-up pregnant?
The child should not be used as a pawn to get him back; nor to force your way into a family that probably wouldn't accept you, or the baby. From what I know of their culture, they will freeze you out. Almost to the degree you'd feel invisible. In parts of India, their cast system labels some people "untouchables;" and it's still recognized, even now in the 21st-century!
I'm bi-racial too. Greek father and Indigenous Native-American mother. My father's side froze my mother out like she was from another planet; but time and my father's persistent efforts changed that. There's no guarantee how your situation will turn-out. When old-school traditional-parents pull the purse strings and make threats. It's a very risky roll of the dice. They'll just yank his butt back to India; or send him to another school abroad.
He must know as soon as possible. They will eventually find-out about you through relatives. If he's so worried about his parent's concerns, he should always use condoms. You should have been more responsible for yourself. What about your future and your family?
It's not as bad as you might think. You'll now have to figure-out how to navigate through life as a single-mother; and still pursue your dreams. If he won't decide to defy his parent for your sake, and that of the baby; it is clear he doesn't love you like you love him. You're just someone he was dating and having sex with. All the stuff about being financially cut-off is likely to be true; but it didn't stop him from having unprotected-sex. Therefore, getting someone pregnant and leaving them behind was never his concern.
Turn to your family. Don't face any of this alone. You're in a little bit of a shock right-now; and you're allowing his dilemma with his parents to force you to perceive that all is hopeless in this situation. That isn't the case.
You'll get through this. You'll figure it out. Don't be surprised if he does assume responsibility. He may suddenly return to India, and leave you in a lurch; but you're not the first woman such a thing has happened to. Get your family involved, and stop placing everything on him. Hope for the best, and prepare for whatever comes your way.
Sweetheart, it looks bleak now; but you've got this.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 April 2019):
 He's already told you that there CAN'T be any relationship, you just CHOSE to ignore it and kept sleeping with him.
NOT a good choice.
He will probably NOT stay with you or marry you because you are pregnant.
You DO owe him (I think) to let him know and what you intend to do about it.
You have 3 options.
1. Carry the baby to terms and keep the baby.
2. Carry the baby to terms and put it up for adoption (you will need his permission for that)
3. Have an abortion ASAP.
YOU need to decide based on what YOU want to do and feel is the best option for YOU because you most likely CAN NOT rely on him.
Perhaps you should talk to your parents about this?
No matter WHAT you choose, you will need support, emotional support.
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